S: Comment Response - Why Date?

Anonymous posted: Hi.. I'm a 30-something man with little dating experience. I'm curious about the idea of dating when you are not looking for a relationship. Isn't that the point - to hopefully find a relationship? I guess it can be just for fun, but do the guys know that? (I don't mean this to be judgemental.) Thanks, enjoying the blog! (Found it via twitter #100dates.)

Mr. (Probably Handsome) Anonymous Gentleman, thank you so much for your comment! This is a very valid question and I hope you don’t mind that I have decided to dedicate an entire post to it, rather than just bury this tome of an answer in the comment section of the other post.

I definitely did not take your inquiry to be judgmental and realize that my motives may be difficult to understand. I may not even be able to articulate them properly myself, but I want to try because I appreciate the dialogue. Please read my response with the friendly tone that is intended. I am in no way offended by your remarks and my hope is that I do not come off as defensive or argumentative.

I’ve given it a lot of thought (judging by how long it has taken me to respond to your comment), and there are several reasons why I am doing this challenge, and dating in general, even though I am not hoping to end up in a relationship.

First things first, and to put things in proper context, you made that comment on the post in which I recounted my reasons for not dating a friend. One of the reasons I told him I thought we shouldn’t date is that I am not at a point in my life in which I want to get involved in a relationship. Which is true. And for me, to risk a friendship by taking it to the next level, it would have to be because it was going to become a long-term relationship, not just a casual dating experience. So, in that regard, I was not prepared to begin a relationship with him because I’d rather remain a free agent at this stage in my life AND keep him as a friend.

O.k., so why date if I don’t want to get involved in a relationship?

Let’s see if I can break it down. (I’ll be as surprised as you are if I can.)

Reason 1. Because it’s fun. (Hey, that rhymes.) You make the first point yourself. Dating can be fun. You meet someone, you enjoy their company or their conversation. Maybe they make you laugh. Or perhaps you make them laugh. You have a few things in common and wonder if you could discover more. What do you do? You go out. You try to extend that discovery phase. There is a lot of excitement and potential in the discovery phase. And the electricity! Who doesn't like electricity?

You see, I don’t consider going on a date to be an implicit contract for a future together. To me, a date is something you do when you want to spend more time getting to know someone. It gives you a chance to converse with them and further understand who they are. This does not have to mean anything more than just a cursory interest in that person. Many times you get to a certain level of acquaintanceship and your curiosity is satisfied. Other times you decide that you want to know more or do things that you have in common and enjoy together. But until you actually sit down and make it clear that you want that person’s full and singular attention, no assumptions should be made about futures and statuses and such. It’s just dating.

In my opinion, people put too much stock in dating. Every time they go out with someone the question in their mind is “is this THE ONE?” What if the question was just, “Who is this person? What makes them tick? What can we enjoy together?” Voila! Pressure’s off. If you find yourself craving more time with them, you let them know. If your interest has waned, then that’s fine. We will not be all things to each other all the time. But we can certainly have fun with each other for some of the time. I think there’s a difference between looking for a life partner and spending time with someone you have a strong connection with.

Reason 2. “Nice to meet you.” (Another rhyme!) Dating is an excellent way for me to meet the people with whom I share my city. I am surrounded by amazing and interesting people in the Midwest and I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of getting to know them. I don’t think I’m going to end up married to these people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to meet them and add them to my list of compatriots. Knowing the people around you builds a sense of community and makes your home a home.

Besides, I never know who I’m going to meet. Maybe I don’t like this guy but while we’re out I meet his friend. Or his brother. Or we run into someone he went to school with. And suddenly, one of those people sparks an interest. My network expands. I have new friends, colleagues, associates. I feel like I get better as a person when I get to know someone new. My friends become part of me and I grow around them, like a tree grows around a fence that is constructed near it. Even if I’m not interested in finding a love match, finding new fences to grow around is a good side effect. And really, the more people around here who are willing to bail me out of jail, the better.

Here’s my other theory in this regard, I can test these men out for my friends. O.k., so I go out with a guy. I think he’s great, but I’m not interested in starting anything serious. I have other single friends. Worthy women who may indeed be looking to get themselves into something long-term. Now I’ve screened him and am fully prepared to set him up with one of them. I’m like the date tester. How generous am I?! I’d much rather test samples of ice cream, but ice cream can’t buy me a drink, so this will have to do.

Reason 3. I am boy crazy. (Ha! Did it again!) Yes, I’ll admit…I’m Sheila and I’m boy crazy. I always have been. I’ve been flirting with boys for as long as I can remember. I just don’t want to settle down with one.

Just because I am not in search of my one true love and soul mate doesn’t mean I want to sit at home having Facebook chats with some tech support guy in India, code named “Chaz.” I want to be out there flirting and being flirted with and getting fluttery when I get a text or an email and giggling at the replies I send. It can be very flattering to get 
attention, and I will not deny that I have an ego and it needs pumping every once in a while. Besides, I’m really good at flirting. When they finally add flirting as an Olympic sport, they’re going to name all the best moves after me. The world must be allowed to witness my talent and be warmed by my sunny banter.

Reason 4. Living life a bit more. (I’m on fire!) I love life experiences. What it comes down to is that just because I am not looking for the next Mr. Date Club Sheila, that doesn’t mean I have to sit at home alone crocheting scarves for my nieces and nephews. I want to experience life and part of life is going out on dates and dealing with what that involves. I want to have stories to tell and experiences to laugh at and cry over. I don’t want every weekend to be the same. I mean, I like Golden Girls as much as the next cheesecake addict, but I don’t want to be up watching it every Friday at 1 a.m. Unless I’m tripping in from a night on the town with a box of leftovers I’m about to dig into.

Overall, I don’t see dating as a means to an end. (Although, I do see it as a means to the end of the challenge and getting my ante back.) For me, it’s not like getting in the car and hitting the highway in order to arrive somewhere in a specified amount of time. It’s more like cruising Route 66 and enjoying the sights and not really caring whether or not I get anywhere. It’s a journey. And I may never arrive at a destination, but I want an unbelievable collection of postcards from the stops along the way.

So, for now, those are my reasons. But I reserve the right to change my mind. I am all for following the path the universe lights up for me along the way. If I stumbled across someone on that path who completely spun me around, I would not resist it. I just don’t count on it. I don’t intend to go through life searching for something that isn’t likely to exist. If, while I’m traveling Route 66, I find a place that feels like home and I decide to stop, then I guess I have found a destination. But I’m not going to go looking for it.

Before I peace out on this, I do want to address your question about whether or not the guys I go out with know I am not looking to get involved in a relationship. And the basic answer is yes. Well, it will be yes. So far it hasn’t really come up (except with my friend and I did tell him…which is why we’re here now). Anyway, it won’t be a secret, but it’s not like it’ll my lead in or anything either.

I can see how that would go…

Sheila: Hi! I’m glad we could get together. (gets serious) I’m not looking for a relationship.

Date: Umm…ok…well, I think I hear my mom calling me. (bolts)

Nevertheless, I know where I am in life and I’m confident in that, so my intention is to make it clear. I would never go out with a guy and make him think I was trying to find a mate. Conversely, I think it would be wrong for a guy to assume that by going out with him once, I have agreed to retire with him in Boca.

I don’t want lead somebody on, but the guy needs to be careful about allowing himself to be led. Assuming a date is a promise for more is a disservice to everyone. Think about it this way, just like buying a girl dinner and a movie does not obligate her to any physical relations, it also doesn’t obligate her to any mental or emotional relations. And really, the guy who expects that taking me out means that I’m going to spend the next 6 months thinking only of him until we get engaged is going to have his heart trampled on by any girl he goes out with and will miss out on a lot of fun because he’s so stressed out about making the date so perfect.

Besides, all of us Date Club Sistahs agreed that we would not misrepresent our intentions with the guys we date. We’re not out to make fools of anybody or break hearts. We are doing this for ourselves. To change our own attitudes. To enjoy the freedom our singleness.

And, you know what? It’s my contention that most guys aren’t looking for a “relationship” either, so I doubt I break any hearts anyway. I don’t think guys generally go out with women to get involved in meaningful, long-term relationships. Guys go out with women to try to get laid. Sometimes that means they have to spend some time with the woman. Every once in a while it turns into a long-term thing. But, in general, when guys are hitting on me and asking me out it is not because they hear wedding bells or even that I will be meeting their beloved mum in a few weeks. They want to know how much effort it will take to get in my pants.

All we are doing at the Date of the Month Club is turning the tables a little bit. Mostly to see how we ourselves can stretch and grow. To see how this can change us and make us better, more interesting women. Now when I am out and trying to make time with a guy, it’s not because I think he might be the one but because I want to see how much effort it is going to take to get him to go on the one date with me. I want to get in his planner.

What I'm trying to say with all of this is, no, I don’t want to get involved a relationship right now. I am not interested in searching for my permanent mate. I don’t want to go around with my “perma-mate checklist” out discounting anyone who doesn’t fit all the criteria. And I also don’t want to catch myself trying to make someone who isn’t right for me fit my “ideal mate” mold because I want so desperately to have found “the one.” What I want to do is enjoy as much of life as possible. I’ve never really sowed any wild oats and I want to live a little. And flirt a lot.

Maybe later I will want to settle into something that lasts. Maybe somebody will come along and change my mind about all of this and I’ll have to eat a heapin’ helpin’ of (soy-based) crow and admit I was wrong. Who knows? If I happened to meet someone with whom I connect, I would not be opposed to spending more time with him. And, if the logical forward motion was to get more serious, then fantastic, I drop out of the challenge and have my fun with Mr. Right Now. In which case, I’ll forfeit my $50 ante and take my goods off the market. He just better be worth it.

Hopefully this answers your question. Otherwise I’ve wasted minutes and minutes of your life and I have no way of repaying you. Except…well…what are you doing in March? Because I do need a date. I'll buy.