J: Canoe vs. Kayak

My Dad came into town to visit me for the week. It was wonderful having him here and while I cherished the bonding time that a whole week of Daddy/Daughter time provided, it became very clear to me that at this point, I have fully embraced the single life.

For me, this week was an exercise in thinking in “Two’s”, something that I haven’t done in a very long time.

For seven years now, I have lived on my own. Yes, I’ve always had dogs, but dogs don’t feel cheated when one “cup” of coffee drains the entire coffee pot. Dogs don’t think it’s lame if the dinner plan is nothing more than a bowl of cereal. Dogs also don’t double the number of dishes that need to be done or have preferences regarding television shows or brands of ice cream. You also don’t have to tip toe around dogs in the morning, hoping not to wake them up.

But dogs also don’t fix all the squeaky hinges in the house, replace the light bulbs, hang pictures or put up new fences. I found that despite being out of the habit of “two’s”, I wouldn’t have traded this visit or the time with my Dad for anything!

I know that my mom has always made sure that his every need is met before he can even realize that there IS a need. While I realize that I can never really keep up with Mom’s level of attention, my hope is that he didn’t feel neglected by my fumbling attempts to overcome my one-ness for the week.

One of the most telling illustration of my single-ness happened when we decided to go for a paddle on a local lake. The question was whether we’d share a canoe or get individual kayaks.

In a kayak, you choose your own speed, you choose your own direction. You have no one to blame, but yourself, if you end up in the lake instead of floating on it.

In a canoe, (especially if you’re the person in the front) you’re completely dependent on the other person for movement in any specific direction. And no matter how hard you paddle by yourself, if you want to move quickly, you have to work together to move forward…or backward, if the situation requires (i.e. a little too close to the trees on the shore & the spider webs danglinging from them--eek!)

I’m sure you can probably guess which boat I would have preferred. But, in deference to Dad’s desire to bring along his good (and quite expensive) camera to get some good pictures, and to reduce the risk of said camera taking an unfortunate dunk, we went with the canoe.

Granted, there was a scary moment in the beginning when we were just a breath away from putting those lifejackets to their intended use…but in the end, what I really noticed was the great conversation that the canoe invited. I also noticed that the same route that on previous occasions had taken 30 minutes in a kayak, took just 15 minutes in a canoe.

So, now that my eyes have been opened to the fact that my natural inclination is for kayaks…and now that I’ve also seen that there are huge benefits to canoes, what does that mean in real life?

It tells me that I have some major control issues. So, what do I need to do to become more ‘relationship friendly’? How can I learn to really want to be part of a two in everyday life?

Is all this desire for a relationship something that in actuality, I wouldn’t know what to do with if it came along?

Scary!

Is this why I can’t find a real relationship…because I’m not really really ready? What will it take to BE ready? Isn’t it normal, after 7 years of singlehood to be comfortable with a solitary life…and yet yearn for more? Isn’t it normal, after 7 years of singlehood to be comfortable with my way of life and with the fact that I am independent and managing my life very well thankyaverymuch?

I guess the scary part is that as the years go by, it’s not getting any easier. I’m becoming more and more set in my ways…more comfortable with cooking for one and going to bed when I want to and complete control of the television remote and managing my own schedule and minding my own budget and only having myself to blame when my house is a mess.

I am becoming more comfortable paddling at my own speed in my own direction. And maybe that’s okay.

But maybe it also means that I just need to be aware of the fact that it might be all the more challenging to find that lifelong love. That I’m going to just have to be more patient. And also, that whoever he is…he’s going to have to be pretty darn special before I hand over my heart and give up my full independence & the very fulfilling single life that I’ve built for myself.