S: Walking on the Edge

There wasn't really any making up last night. And I am very worried today. To the point of distraction.

Guy and I talked about what had transpired in the morning, which led down a path of other things and opened his eyes to something that had been an issue in his former marriage (oh how I hate having any similarities to his ex-wife). And now his lack of faith in the permanence of feelings is getting the better of him and he's putting up a wall. He's decided that eventually I will leave him. I will get sick of the same things his ex got sick of and I will walk away, leaving him once again to pick up pieces. Both his and those of his son.

I can't look into the future, so I don't know what will happen. And, personally, I don't have a lot of faith in forever either, based on my own experiences, so who am I to talk? How do I combat this? I want to tell him that I'm not going to walk away, but it's been 2 months, so much more could happen that we haven't even yet begun to fathom. And we already know there are deal breaker level issues to work through.

But so far, I feel like I'm in it. I love him. A lot. And when we have conflict, my desire is not to run but to get past it and move forward. When we miscommunicate and get frustrated, I don't find myself disliking him or being frustrated with who he is. In the moment, I know I love him and am just frustrated with the situation. And I always know he loves me and we can get it figured out.

Will that change? I don't know.

And how can I promise him that I can stay committed when I broke an engagement? There are certain circumstances that would have kept me in my previous relationship, but really, it was a different situation. I believe. IS this relationship different or are they all basically the same?

I know he is thinking about what I said I had been feeling and what it means for him and our relationship and right now I'm really scared that he's going to make a preemptive strike. I asked him flat out that if he thought I was just going to leave him eventually does he just want me to go now rather than drag it out and he replied that he thought that's what I was prepping him for during the conversation.

But I don't want to leave. That is the exact opposite of what I want. I want to stay and keep figuring "us" out. When I articulated what I had been feeling, it wasn't because I thought I needed to extract myself from the situation to stop feeling it, it was because I didn't want to bottle it and I thought we could work through it.

I'm just worried that he will find it easier to break up with me than figure it out. Especially if he thinks I'm just going to go away anyway. I'm scared that he's going to decide that it's not worth the risk...that I'm not worth the heartbreak and he's going to break up with me before I take up any more of his life.

And that would be that.

I would recover. I'm resilient and I put up walls fast. But I wouldn't let myself be fooled again into thinking there is such a thing as what we have right now. I would not deny my spinsterhood for another if this is how this ends up going down. I would no longer believe.

And worst of all, I would be without him.

To me, the thought of life without him is far more grim and unimaginable than any issue we may come across...any hurdle we may have to leap over...any conflict we may have to resolve. Life with him may not always be perfect, but if it involves him, how bad can it be? How could I choose "go away" over "stay in his arms?" Even if those arms are tense sometimes.

Right now, I'm doing my best to battle his wall-building. He's going into protective mode (which is what I REALLY want to do myself, but know how that would tailspin us to the ground) and I'm staying right up in his grill. I told him that I see a future with him and everything about this relationship is worth the risk. I'm not letting him put walls up without a fight.

I tell you what, dating after the age of 25 is difficult. There is so much baggage to deal with. So many preconceptions about what things mean and where things will end up. So many feelings based on what's happened in the past. Even though the circumstances shouldn't be compared...one can't help but draw lines and make conclusions. Isn't that living and learning?

All I know is that I feel differently about Guy. Why can't this be different? Why couldn't we have what it takes to keep making it work no matter what comes at us?

I don't know.

All I know is that this is far too good to be over now.