S: Not Such a Beautiful Morning

The day did not start well with Guy. I don't know what's going on. I mean, there are surface issues...little stuff...but it just seems like lately he's trying to find stuff wrong. He sees issues in everything when really there are no problems at all.

This being the case, he kind of picked a fight this morning. As I was leaving. So we couldn't really work it out and I had to leave angry.

The difference today is that instead of feeling defensive and like I had once again screwed something up, it was my turn to be frustrated. I don't feel bad at all. I'm mad. He's inventing issues and it's not fair for me to always be on the defense.

The good news is that I had a good workout when I got home. I was actually energized because I didn't feel like I had messed up. Nothing like being ticked with your (still very lovable and cute even when he's making you mad) boyfriend to really give you something to work out with those weights. This helped me get past some of the frustration and think a little more clearly.

But this isn't over. And I'm not taking the fall. I'm not going to apologize all over myself or spend the day wondering what I did wrong this time.

O.k., well, maybe we'll meet in the middle on who did what and how it affected the other. But I refuse to feel bad.

The comfort in all of this (and the point of blogging our drama) is that I don't feel like fleeing the scene. I don't want to bag it. I know he loves me and we'll get to the bottom of the issue and address what's really going on. My feelings for him are not changed.

I keep saying this (because it's amazing to me), but this is not normal in my world. I'm not a fighter. I've always had huge issues with conflict...which is one of the reasons my engagement ended without a white dress and cake. He and I never fought because I was (well, we both were) afraid of fighting, and therefore, we never resolved anything.

I have such a strong need to be liked and to please people that fighting scares me. It makes me feel like that person is not going to like me any more. It makes me feel like things will be over and there will be nothing I can do about it. I have always avoided conflict at all costs.

But I don't feel like that now. I'm not worried that if we disagree it means that we have to break up and never see each other again. In fact, the disagreements have been good. We are learning how to get along and stay stable together and we are always closer afterwards.

If I think about it, most of my really strong and longest lasting relationships have involved a big conflict at some point and, you know what, those people are all still in my life. So my fears are irrational, and it feels damn good to be facing them head-on and dealing with stuff as it happens. My inner bottle has been empty and uncorked for so long, I may be able to give up the Pepto.

Now...wish me luck for some good making up tonight.