J: More Thinking

Bestest Guy Friend and I got the chance to go to lunch together today.

Somehow the subject of that scene from “Up in the Air” came up and I shared with him how much it had affected me. The sadness of recognizing the way expectations change. The loss of giving up on ideals. The fear of settling. The young one’s pride in thinking she had the world by the tail. The hope that when it happens it wouldn’t feel like settling.

While Bestest Guy Friend could understand where I was coming from, he offered up the idea in a slightly different way: While we “settle” more regarding some things as we get older, we also settle less on other things.

When I was engaged to my ex-husband, the fact that he didn’t want kids (and I did) didn’t matter that much. He’d surely someday change his mind.

It didn’t matter that his big ambition was to be a writer. Or an inventor. Or a musician. (Depending on the day). He’d surely someday be famous.

It didn’t matter that he jumped from one job to another. He’d surely someday find a boss who finally ’got’ him.

It didn’t matter that he went through money like it was going out of style. He’d surely someday make enough money to get us out of debt. (He was going to be famous, remember?)

It didn’t matter that he lied to our friends & family. He surely wasn’t lying to me.

Besides, those things…they were all “little” things. Things I could easily change about him…surely.

Riggggghhhht…

(These are just a few of the reasons I’m the “divorced one” on this blog.)

Granted…I was married at twenty-one. TWENTY-ONE! I had no clue what I was getting myself into. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I have already (without even realizing it) made some very different choices.

It’s not okay if I can’t respect him or his choices. It’s not okay if he doesn’t have enough ambition to support himself. It’s not okay if he’s unreliable or breaks his word. It’s not okay if his passion is video games or drugs or alcohol or strip clubs. It’s not okay if he doesn’t want kids or hates dogs.

No matter how cute he might be.

Looking back, when I consider all of the important areas where I was willing to settle at 21, I have a feeling “shorter than me” won’t seem like such a deal-breaker when the truly important things are there.