As a bit of an introduction, here’s a little blah blah blah so you know who I am and can maybe get an idea of why I let Jane rope me into the Date of the Month Club challenge. Then, when you figure it out, if you could just let me know, that would be great.
I‘m a 30(mumble mumble)year-old Midwesterner who is decidedly single. I have never been married and I fully embrace my spinsterhood. Clearly evidenced by my small cat collection (which I refuse to allow to get any bigger, at this point...no crazy cat lady here).
I’ve never really dated much. Some would say that’s because I think I’m so much better than everyone else, but those people are just jealous. Really it’s because I was dorky and awkward in high school and way more interested in learning and being a nerd, so not surprisingly, I didn't get a lot of dates. No lie...I didn’t even kiss a guy until I was 17.
When I went to college, I retained my interest in learning and being a nerd, but I met my match about halfway through in spite of it. At that point, I thought that was going to be it. Until it wasn’t. And then I didn’t want anything to be it. Until something was. For a long time. But then that wasn’t. And even the next thing wasn’t, and I knew that right away. He was just too much fun to let go of without playing around for a while.
There just wasn't a lot of opportunity for dating in all of that with someone/not with someone stuff. That and I'm not the kind of girl who guys ask out. I'm buddy...a pal...a partner in crime. I'm not a date. I never have been.
Despite not being girlfriend material I have managed to be in love and subsequently busted up into pieces. As it turns out, even when you are in love with someone and think you will always be in love with them, they can pull the plug and leave you wondering if everything you thought and felt was even real at all. So, if you’re me (and I am), you are very careful not to let those feelings get the best of you again. Up goes the wall. And really, it’s quite cozy behind the wall. And cats can get in, so why not just stay?
But maybe there’s something more. Maybe there’s something I’m missing out on. Maybe I don’t have to trample on the next guy because I lack the ability to actually get attached. So, part of this exercise is me daring myself to have feelings. Maybe by making myself get out and share experiences with people, I could start removing bricks from the wall. Perhaps it’s 1989 in the East Berlin of my heart.
That being said, in my old age and ultimate Gen X cynicism, I have come to the pragmatic conclusion that it is wrong to assume that there is someone for everyone and each person finds that someone eventually. We don’t all end up married. We don’t all end up with some star-crossed soul mate. We don’t all have the inalienable right to “...love, honor and cherish, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” That’s just the simple reality of it. And I believe that I am one of those people who is not likely to travel in the carpool lane on the highway of life. Which is ok, because I like surviving in the wild on my own. Mainly because I’m not good at sharing food.
The question remains, why accept the challenge? I’m not looking for a man to fulfill my every hope and dream. I’m not even looking for a man to help me fill out the Sunday crossword puzzle. So why do this at all? Why commit to going out with 12 new people when I’m not even looking for 1 new person? Do I enjoy futility? Do I think the men in the Midwest enjoy futility?
No, I’m not interested in finding a mate, but I don’t want to deny myself experiences by sitting at home alone just because I’m not actually shopping around for the next Mr. DateClubSheila. I suppose I am doing the challenge to see what happens. I like random adventures and this seems like a fun one with the added benefit of meeting new people and maybe finding some interesting new places in my fair city. There are so many fantastic people here and every time I find myself amongst a new group of friends, I wonder how I lived here without knowing them. Maybe I can find a few more.
AND, this just came to me in a flash of genius, another benefit of this little challenge will be meeting guys to hook up with my other single friends. Who cares if I don’t want to get all relationshippy with them? Maybe my girlfriends do. I could date my way to Yenta-hood. I’ll be the tester. Like an application developer, I’ll test them out before releasing them to my market. Think of all the wedding cake I’ll get to eat!
And for my final reason, the other aspect of this whole relationship process that I find exceedingly difficult to deal with is the rejecting of other people. I have a very hard time saying “no.” (Not like that, dirty mind.) I just know there must be a way to be a kind and gentle person while still letting someone know you do not see a future before everyone gets in way too deep or broken to bits. I just haven’t discovered what that way is. But I need to discover it quickly before I waste any other sweet guys’ time. There are too many in my wake as it is…and only because I have a hard time being honest with myself, and with them.
That’s my story. And like this rogue bit of toilet paper from the coffee shop bathroom on my shoe, I’m sticking to it. I don’t have huge expectations for the challenge. I mean, I don’t think I’ll find love. Which would be a relief. I don’t want to find love. Even without psychoanalysis, we all know my fear is finding someone I really fall for, only to have him not feel the same way, sending me back to the stone mason for more heart wall bricks. Hey, maybe the stone mason will go out with me.
I do think I will end up meeting 12 new guys and going on 12 o.k. dates and having 12 somewhat similar conversations. Perhaps a few of them will become friends, but I foresee shaking a lot of hands and saying “It was nice to meet you. Take care.”
That is if I can even find 12 guys who will go out with me. Who knows what will happen if I have an incredibly difficult time finding dates every month and have to go to desperate lengths to keep myself in the game? Other than me losing 10 bucks every month for a year. Surely I can find 12 guys who would go out with me at least once, right? (Surely...Shirley?...Anyone?) Oh no. I’m going to be Jr. High Sheila again, aren’t I? Just put the braces on me now and pass the Cool Ranch Doritos.
When it comes down to it, I think I will have a year like I’ve never had before and will find myself doing things and taking risks that I may not have had the cajones to do or take in the past. My supreme wish is to have fun and interesting experiences. I want to be able to tell the story of this for years. And I can’t tell stories if I’m at home stacking bricks and playing Conasta with the cats instead of out making my path in the world. Because telling stories is pointless when you never do anything interesting, yes?
Feel free to watch while I go out and do something interesting.
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