S: Wake Up to a Break Up?

This weekend has not been that great. I have spent most of it worried that Guy is going to break up with me.

On Friday evening, we went for a long bike ride with a couple of people he works with. At some point, he said something to me that I took wrong, which hurt my feelings, so I hung back for a bit. I tried to move on, but I could tell at our halfway stop that he was frustrated with me.

Then, on the way back, he seemingly committed a slight biker foul, which bugged me, so I was once again in a funk. And by the time we stopped at our usual watering hole, he was beyond frustrated with me.

I tried to say something about the foul and he had a defensive reply, so I dropped it, not wanting to argue with him. And then I tried to just let it go and have a pleasant time with our friends and our beverages. He was too frustrated for that. He even went so far as to scoot his chair away from mine and then didn’t speak to me.

When we got home he asked me what all that was about. I explained my side and he got mad. He was frustrated that I had been offended by what he said, saying that I always thought the worst and he hadn’t meant anything bad by it. He wondered if I was punishing him for not taking me to the lake with him and his son (now who's thinking the worst?). Then he said he feels like he can’t say anything to me anymore without me getting upset and how he doesn’t want to walk on egg shells.

I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to walk on egg shells and I apologized for misunderstanding.

He was also angry because I had ruined his evening. He had a rough week at work and was looking forward to a nice ride and some time with me and I ruined that by getting upset.

Again, I apologized.

He said the same thing had happened Wednesday…that I had gotten mad at him over some thing he said that he didn’t mean anything by and subsequently ruined the ride.

I recall him saying something that made me feel bad about the way I was riding, but I was never mad at him. He had said that night that I was quiet, but there wasn’t any reason for me to be quiet, I was just tired from the extra long ride.

Anyway, I asked several times what I could do to salvage the evening and make it right and his only response was that making it right would have been for it not to have happened at all.

To which I replied that I could not go back in time.

I wanted to just leave, but I didn’t think that would help. But I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what he wanted me to do and he wouldn’t tell me.

We went around a couple more times, but I could never get him to a solution, so finally we dropped it and watched a movie while we ate our usual post-ride pasta. (Well, I nibbled at it, not really having much of an appetite at this point.)

When we went to bed I asked him if he would just let me know when everything was ok and he wasn’t mad anymore and he said he wasn’t, but it was a very quiet evening in the bedroom.

The next morning, he had to get up and pack his things to take his son to his friends’ lake house for the long weekend. He got out of bed without a word to me. I stayed around to eat breakfast with him (he kept saying I could eat when I wanted to, but I waited for him). We ate and then I had nothing left to do but go.

As I was leaving, I stopped to give him a kiss, tell him I loved him and to have a good weekend. He said he loved me too and then we stood there not knowing what to say and he said he hadn’t slept much the night before. Then he began to make the sounds that have me worried that he’s getting ready to cut me loose.

He said he hadn’t slept. Then he said he didn’t want us to have drama and I always seem to be finding drama where there is none…or finding reasons to be upset. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship where he has to walk on egg shells and worry about everything he says. He also said that things are tough at work and he doesn’t need things to be going badly in his relationship too.

He just kept saying, “I don’t want to be in a relationship that…”

He rehashed everything from the night before and I re-apologized. I didn’t know what else to do.

Finally, it was getting late and he needed to finish packing, so I left. I popped my head back in the door and told him that I would wait to hear from him, leaving the ball in his court. I want to see him, but it’s up to him to decide if he wants to see me.

The question that was on my mind was, “Are you breaking up with me?” But I didn’t have the guts to ask it. I didn’t want to know.

I sat in the garage and fell apart a little bit, but then decided I better leave before he came out and found me there. I think he finally opened the door as I had backed out and was closing the garage door.

It was a long drive home. And probably quite a show for those driving around me.

I just couldn’t help thinking that he brought that stuff up as I was leaving, said he hadn’t slept much and kept saying “I don’t want to be in a relationship that…” because he was thinking about breaking up and didn’t want me to spend the weekend with the wrong idea about where we are in all this. I really think he spent the night thinking about breaking up with me and that’s what he was trying to tell me.

I am so not ready for us to be over. I just think we have so much that is great, that it’s worth a few miscommunications once in a while. He’s the one who told me months ago that it wasn’t always going to be perfect.

So how can he get so upset when it isn’t?

I spent Saturday in a very bad place. I didn’t hear from him all day. And, it was hard to do, but I didn’t send him a message all day either. I started to a few times, but stopped myself. I was not going to be first. I told him I’d wait to hear from him, so I had to keep silent until he reached out.

I wasn’t really expecting to hear from him during the day. He was at the lake, so they were probably busy. I figured if I was going to hear anything from him, it was going to be in the evening after his son went to bed. And even then, he’d be hanging out with his friends, so I still might not hear until later.

If I heard anything at all.

I decided to head out to hang with some friends later that evening and as I was getting ready to go, I got a message. Just a short text from Guy asking what I had done that day and saying they had just gotten back from fireworks.

I was actually quite surprised to hear from him. And pleased. He was thinking about me. And not bad thoughts, but innocuous, run-of-the-mill, just like any other weekend away thoughts. This was a good sign.

I responded, but didn’t hear anything more. I also sent an email, just in case the texts didn’t go through (we have a bad track record) and ended it with “I miss you.”

Then I didn’t hear anything all day Sunday. But, by Sunday, I had a long list of things to do and my friends wanted me to come back and hang with them, so I was pretty busy.

Pretty busy realizing that life would go on without Guy, if he decided he didn’t want to “be in a relationship that…”

I still wasn’t in a place where that’s what I want him to decide, but I had a whole day laid out in front of me that would happen without him in it. So it became possible to see beyond.

As I was getting ready to head out for a concert, I heard from him. Another brief text about the day, to which I responded, but heard nothing more.

Another good sign, though. He’s thinking about me and sending me a text when he can. That says something. It says he hasn’t written me off, and hopefully it says he hasn’t been there bashing me with his friends, talking himself into ending it.

But I still wasn’t sure if the messages were just meant to be polite. He never reciprocated with an “I miss you.” And there wasn’t any love in the texts. Just a quick assessment of the day. So the signal is still a bit mixed. Is he just being nice and fulfilling some communication obligation since we are still together, knowing full well he's breaking up with me when he gets home? Or has he been thinking about me just like he would any other time?

Oh well, I was ready to have some fun. And to look good doing it. So that’s what I did.

The concert was a blast. I have not gotten to spend nearly enough quality time with my friends, so it was good to be able to just hang and not have anywhere to run off to. We got rained on, we got buzzed, we got treated to a good show. There were many laughs and much fun.

And it was then that I decided that if he wants to break up, fine, I would manage to enjoy life without him. And maybe that would give someone else the opportunity to enjoy life with me.

I sent him a pic of the mass of people and rain at the show and told him that was what I was up to. Then, later, back at my friend’s apartment, I took a pic of wet me and sent it to him saying that’s what I looked like after a rainy show.

AND...he responded. I was shocked. He asked what I had been up to. I told him and he said I should have fun and be safe. Then he said “Good night, beautiful!” Which is classic, old school Guy.

Like, nothing has changed, everything is normal, Guy.

Then, he texted more saying he was trying to sleep but his son was kicking. And that he preferred sleeping with me. And, finally, he said that he missed me.

Ok, this is starting to sound like someone who has gotten over it.

This made my evening.

Although, he better watch out. He gave me two days to get over him. He may find, if he wants to go around again, that I just throw in the towel. I’m not so scared of the end any more.

They come back today. I expect to spend the evening at his place, but no plans have been made. The only thing that I have heard beyond last night was a text asking if I had made it home. I replied that I had and have not heard anything else. I’m sure they are busy getting in the last hours at the lake before heading home.

I’d love to be invited over to share dinner. But the weekend was about quality time with his son, so it’s more likely that I’ll end up over there later, after he’s asleep.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. We should probably address the way things were left, but I can’t get a good read on where he is with all of this. I have no idea what to expect when I see him. I have no idea how I will feel or what he will say.

When searching through old posts to link up to a past reference, I found some entries in which I wondered if he was finding things to fight about on purpose and searching out reasons for us to not be together. I was reminded of a conversation in which he stated he was just waiting for me to get fed up with him and leave.

Here he is accusing me of these things that he was doing himself. And when he was doing these things, did I break up with him? No. I understood. I saw the value in what we had and I held on and tried harder to show him I wasn’t going anywhere.

Hopefully he’ll choose to do the same.

Because I’m definitely not ready for this to be over.

But if he chooses differently…

I’ll be fine.

I’ll put my $10 in the piggy bank and get back in the game.

But this time I’ll leave the wall up. A spinster knows better.

Even so, I’m still hoping for a happy ending today. In every sense of the phrase.

We'll see.