S: Break Update

We are still together.

And things are normal.

I think.

I didn’t hear from Guy for most of Monday, except for the text in the morning making sure I made it home safely the night before. I kept waiting for him to let me know when they were headed home and possibly make some plans for later, but nothing.

I wasn’t sure how to take this, but I felt it was better to assume he was busy with his son and I would hear from him later on, probably after he had put him to bed.

And yet, it bugged me. Why the silence?

Then I decided it was better to assume he did not want to see me and to just go on with my day and evening...and life. I had things to get done, so I focused on getting them done.

But I just couldn’t take it. I still really didn’t know what was going through his head. Was he thinking about breaking up? Were the affectionate texts from the night before just a product of malted beverages? Did he even want to see me at all? Was my silence causing issues for him because he didn't know what was going on with me?

I wanted to reach out and see where he was in the world. I needed to know if he wanted to see me. The wondering was making me crazy. But I had told him I would wait to hear from him, so I didn’t want to text about plans for the evening. I had left that ball in his court, so it seemed kind of pathetic for me to start pressing to make plans.

I caved anyway. I sent a text. BUT, it was a text showing him the dress I was trying on at the time. Casual, light-hearted, having nothing to do with seeing him or the state of us.

See how silly I get when I’m trying to protect myself?

Relationships are so weird.

He replied right away with how good the dress looked and let me know where he was. This was a good sign. I still wasn’t sure about how the rest of the day would play out, but things still seemed ok.

I responded, and then there was more nothing.

It got later, I got a few more things done, but then I really needed to know if I was expected at his place or not. So this time I really caved. I sent a message saying I wasn’t sure what his plans were.

A short while later he replied that he had just gotten home and had a few things to do but I should come over any time.

STILL, I was unsure of his feelings. There was no “I can’t wait to see you.” Just “come over.”

Arrggh! By this time, I’m just making myself crazy. Reading between lines. Conversations on auto-replay in my head. Hearing only break up songs on the radio. Everything was a hint.

Do we all see now why I’m a spinster? I appreciate my sanity. Who can stand this?

Finally it was time to head over. I felt like I was strolling to my execution.

No, it would be fine. Surely he would have said something like “we need to talk” by now. Right? It’s all good.

When I arrived, he said nothing. He didn’t greet me in an overly affectionate “I missed you” kind of way, but he also didn’t stop and say, “Ok, let’s talk.” I could NOT get a read on him. He felt a little distant, but on the surface everything was as per the usual.

We discussed our weekends and then both got to work on the things we needed to get done. No talk of Friday or any of our previous conversations. But not a lot of lovey dovey stuff either.

It was hard not to read weirdness into all of it, but I resisted. I behaved normally. I was happy to be with him, so I just focused on that. Mostly because I was too much of a wuss to bring up what had happened.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to go down the path, nor did I want to be further accused of seeing the worst in everything. I didn’t want to give him a reason to break up with me if he didn’t already have one in mind. So I just worked. And nibbled on his shoulder every once in a while.

Fast forward to bedtime. Ding! Bedtime.

And suddenly, situation normal. The usual adult activities ensued. In a most fantastic way.
Just like always. No weirdness. (Sorry for the TMI. I tried to make it tasteful and pivotal to the plot. Isn't that what they say?)

Definitely not the kind of things that go on between people who are planning on breaking up with each other.

It still seemed like Saturday’s conversation should be addressed. So, as we did the cuddle thing, I told him I was glad that we had done that instead of breaking up…that that was much more fun. He agreed. But that was it. No questions or explanations. So I finally told him that I spent the entire weekend thinking he was going to break up with me. He said he was sorry.

And that was it.

No further discussion.

We were both falling asleep (and I'm a big wussy), so I let it go. It really was not a fair time to start a gargantuan discussion. Besides, we weren’t broken up, what more did I need?

At this point, it seems like the conversation should still be addressed. I think. I don’t know if it’s just my own curiosity or if there is still something that needs to be resolved. I mean, I know what he wants from me, so do I just do my best to make that happen for him...or do I really need to know what was going through his head on Saturday morning?

I’m trying to decide if there is a layer of weirdness as long as the conversation is unexplained, or if it’s just another one of those relationship hurdles we jump over and learn from as we’re moving forward.

I don’t want to make trouble. But I don’t want to let trouble fester under the surface only to cause cracking and eventual eruption. That way of handling things has been detrimental to past relationships. I just can't tell if there really is trouble or if I've cooked it up after one not-so-great night.

Overall, everything feels back on track today. Which is good. Because I really like the track. And, once again, I can’t wait to see him tonight.

I've lost my mind. They are so revoking my spinster card. I just hope they let me keep the cats.