S: The Rest of the Story...Finally

The ending is happy, so if you want stop reading here, you certainly may. Life is short, and my posts are usually long.

When we last left off, I had been wondering about the weekly bike ride and whether or not I would go. I didn’t hear anything from Guy about the ride all that day and finally decided that I did want to go. AND, if I was going to not assume the worst (which would be him not wanting me to go), then I should assume that I ought to join in.

I called and got his voicemail and left message saying I wanted to go but that I didn’t want to make it unpleasant for him if he didn’t want me along because of what was going on. He didn’t respond. So, again, not assuming the worst, I got into my gear and packed my gym bag and rushed off to try to catch the crew before they left.

But I was too late. They had gone. He never said a word. This took me down a couple of notches. But life goes on. I had errands to run on that side of town, so I went about my business. Very shortly after I had stopped by his place (where the ride starts), I got a text from him saying he got my message, they left already and were stopped somewhere picking up other riders.

This somewhere was nearby and I was still in the area, so I texted back quickly that I had wanted to ride and was still in the area if it wasn’t too late.

No response.

O.k., seriously, I’m trying my best not to assume the worst, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that he didn’t want me on the ride. How should I take that?

Well, however I should take it, I kept my chin up and decided that we would get this figured out this very night when he got home. I’m not living in limbo any more. Whatever happens, happens. I’m a big girl and I can deal with it. I’ve dealt with worse.

Later, I texted that I wanted to get this worked out that night. He didn’t respond so eventually I called him. He intimated that he already had it figured out and started to explain and I stopped him and said that I would much rather discuss it in person. He told me I could come over, so we hung up and I made my way to his place.

Once again I found myself on one of those long drives during which I didn’t know if I was headed to my execution or not. Somehow, during these drives, I’m pretty sure the Earth’s plates have moved and his house is much further from mine than it usually is.

I finally arrived, didn’t pull my car in the garage as I normally would, and went inside to face whatever it was I was going to have to face.

We weren’t really sure to begin. I told my side of the whole door locked story and then he told me what it felt like from his perspective. And then I felt really bad. The view from his side sucked. He woke up worried about me and was treated to a snarky text or two. For seemingly no reason. It stung. I understood that.

He went on to say that he thinks I have no faith in him, that I always assume the worst about what he has done or said. And he had a point. It’s not that I don’t have faith in him, though. I don’t have faith in me. I feel like I screw up a lot, so I’m at the point of always assuming I’ve done something wrong and upset him.

Apparently, he’s gotten fed up with that. Really done. He said he didn’t want drama…in his life or his son’s life. I agreed. I don’t want drama either. And I definitely don’t want to be a negative influence on his son. But I’m not a drama person.

I’ve had a stressful year financially and because I’ve been trying to do a lot of things to stay afloat, as well as maintain a relationship with him, I’ve become physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. This causes me to react differently to things than I feel I normally would. When Guy met me I had had a slow month where business is concerned. Now, as time has marched on, I’ve had a slow year. It’s been very tough. And, yes, that has affected my outlook and the way I handle things.

Anyway, we talked and talked and went over things we’ve gone over before. (And certain things he swears we've talked about, but I don't have similar memories of.) I told him I finally realized my reactions are also partially based on the fact that I’m not feeling entirely secure in the relationship right now. He said that he’s told me how he feels about me and I’m still assuming the worst. That I’ve already had a chance to change my behavior. To which I responded that before I didn’t realize what it was that was causing me to feel that I was always doing something wrong and now that I know, I can see it coming and change my reaction.

He seemed dubious. I could tell he wanted to pull the plug, but he never said it.

I told him that all I could do was ask him to give me a chance. That I felt like we had something worth working on and that I hoped he would see that and want to help me work through it. And then I promised that if he stuck with me, I would take that as an indication of the strength of his feelings for me and that would give me the security I needed.

He didn’t really make a choice either way at this point.

The discussion then turned to other things, which I won’t get into because blah...blah...blah, and went on for a while longer. Then he said he was going to bed…if I wanted to stay.

He wanted me to stay.

We didn’t break up. He didn’t actually say, “Yes, let’s stay together.” But he wanted me to stay. So I took that as, “Yes, let’s stay together.”

I think we both went to bed not intending to do anything of an intimate nature, still a little unsure of our footing and what just happened. We had been one utterance from breaking up. But you don’t have an emotionally intimate talk like that and not feel the need to be physically intimate, so it just kind of happened. And involved much more than just the physical. It meant a lot. That we would stay close…not separate.

The next day, I felt fantastic. I felt renewed. I felt loved. I felt secure. He stayed with me.

And ever since then, if the negative voice in my head tries to make me think ungood things, I remind it that he stayed with me and that is my sign of his love. He had his window to escape through and he closed it. He didn’t want to let me go. That’s something I can hold on to.

Things still feel a little different. He really is different with me than he was just a few months ago. I need to ask him how he’s feeling since our conversation. Just to know where he is. But for now, I assume the best. And that has kept me my normal, happy-go-lucky self, who I haven’t been for a couple of months now. I figure that’s the best way to keep him around. Be the fun hottie he fell in love with in the first place so he can’t help but want to stay.

In all, the thing is…I love him. I’m still at the point of not being able to see myself without him. And, I want to be with him in spite of the recent rocky terrain. We hit the bumps, but they don’t make me want to exit the road. That counts for something, right?

I guess we’ll see. For now, onward and upward. Getting back to good.