But what a good month December was. Well, there was still the usual 2010 crap, but somehow none of that matters anymore now that Mr. November is in the picture.
And he’s in the picture in a big way. For good. Which means he deserves a name. How about Joe? That’s a good, solid, man name. Very appropriate for a good, solid man. Who is not really named Joe. Or is he?
Mid-month, after a couple of weeks of official dates and extra-curricular, random, I-can’t-wait-until-Friday-to-see-you get-togethers, Joe and I had a our 3rd (and final) “just dating” date. It was a very fun night full of spontaneity and trying new things that culminated in a long and open conversation about all the baggage we aren’t supposed to talk about on dates. I needed to know where he was in his divorce healing process and he needed to hear about the things that made me trepidatious in this new relationship.
It was a perfect night and began one of those weekends during which we were never apart. We spent 2 days together, just us. We skipped social engagements. We weren’t concerned with our appearance. We stayed in. We just wanted to spend as much time as possible together. We fell in love.
My favorite picture of us came out of that weekend. It’s a perfect representation of our relationship and how it began. And nobody will ever see it. The moments were shared just between us and so should the picture be.
Here’s what I learned in December:
It doesn’t have to be difficult.
I had no idea it could be so simple and obvious. I didn’t realize that the right relationship wouldn’t have me always struggling to dig myself out of a hole or change the way I am to make it work. I had no idea that the right relationship didn’t have to feel like an obligation…what I’m “supposed” to do.
Finally I’m with someone who both matches me on paper and for whom I have feelings. And, even though the timing may have been a little off (he having JUST gotten divorced and me still getting over Guy), we both feel lucky to have fallen into this so unexpectedly.
The other update I have to provide for December has to do with closing the Guy door. I finally had to tell him that I was in a relationship and he and I were no more. The week following my weekend of Joe, Guy had a few beverages at a work party (I was warned of this by a friend who works with him…and I fully expected to hear from him that night).
Sure enough, the texts began. He was friendly and then made a request for something I could no longer provide. I responded that it wasn’t going to happen because I was seeing someone and it’s a pretty big deal. I told him he got his wish and that I had moved on.
He replied that he was happy for me and that it was his loss. He then wished me the best and said that he knew I would move on before he did. My response to this was that he knew we didn’t belong together and ended our relationship, so I believed he had moved on months ago. He said that, yes, he had ended it, but he hadn’t moved on or else he wouldn’t still be texting me.
He then told me that he had just been telling his friend that night what an idiot he was and that he had made his own bed and now had to lie in it. I replied that I didn’t want him to feel bad. He did what he had to do. He wasn’t ready and I wasn’t the right person.
At this point, I now feel like I’m helping him through this because I am completely over it. Now that I see what it can be like, I know that it wasn’t right and shouldn’t have gone on forever. And I’m glad it ended when it did so I could be available to move on.
I heard from him once more right before Christmas. He began texting under the guise of helping me clear snow off my driveway. Fortunately I had already done this, so I could honestly refuse his assistance. By this time, things had gotten serious with Joe and I wasn’t at all interested in hearing from Guy.
Eventually the messages moved to the territory of “are you home alone…no one should be home alone tonight…” This was danger and I knew it. He was feeling lonely and I was feeling sympathy. For a moment I thought about taking him a piece of homemade pie that I had, but I couldn’t even imagine trying to explain that to Joe. So I told him that I had to stay away. That things were going really well with Joe and he was too good a person for me to screw it up by putting myself in a “dangerous” situation with Guy.
He said he understood. And, because I felt bad, I apologized to him for not being able to be there for him.
I don’t know why. He gave that up months ago. He doesn’t get to have me there for him. I’m not sure why I would still feel obligated to do so. Most of the time I’m too nice.
I think he got the hint though. I thought I had been clear before and this time the message was the same. We’re done. No more text beck-and-call. No more get-togethers when one or both of us is feeling a need. It’s really over. Whether he’s ready or not.
And that feels perfectly fine to me. In fact, I almost feel silly for being so hung up on him now that I know how much better it can be.
I just didn't know.
And so, despite everything, I can’t complain about 2010. Finding Joe has been such an amazing way to end the year that I can’t remember how bad the rest of it felt. The topsy-turvy is gone and I feel settled and stable and unbelievably happy.
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