J: Like Me

At a pre-dancing dinner with a friend, I mentioned that I’m getting out and trying to date more. She got a thoughtful expression on her face and out of nowhere, she said: "What about [the one I call Dancing boy]?"

Seriously!

I was shocked and asked why she mentioned him…why him specifically…why was he the first to pop into her mind? Her response was: “You like dancing, he likes dancing, you’re both going to the same church and have the same interests, I think you have a lot in common. He's attractive, and charming and you're both single.”

I told her I very much would like to date him but that I had come to the realization that he’s “intimacy challenged” and just not available. She was surprised to hear that and said that she had once been a close friend of his and that they had had deep discussions and…well…there was more, but it was a long story.

I told her where I’m at with him…trying so very hard not to read anything extra into his thoughtful texts and emails. Trying not to have hope whenever he throws me a crumb of attention. I begged her to please, please please tell me that story because...no matter how long the story was, I had a very strong feeling that I needed to hear it.

In short, it turns out that a couple of years ago, she was in the exact same place with Dancing Boy as I am now. He was txting her after an evening of dancing, with what sounded like the exact same texts he's sent to me. He sent her the same encouraging and charming types of emails as I have received. He led her to believe that he was interested but would never take that one last step that would make it a relationship that went beyond friendship.

Finally, she ended up confronting him. She needed to find out where he really was in regards to his feelings for her, but also to let him know how it had felt…all of the confusion, the pain, the hope, the frustration & the disappointment. He acknowledged what had happened and apologized and they were able to repair their friendship…but by that point, something had changed and things, even to this day, are not exactly the same between them.

Wow.

I was right. I NEEDED to hear what she had to say. Having someone else tell the story of what I've experineced in the last 6 months with this same guy was a little bit freaky. I was hurtful. It was disappointing, but also exhilarating and it turns out that it was also very healing. It helped to know that I’m not crazy. After hearing her story, I noticed a shift my perspective. It all of a sudden feels easier to let go of everything I had hoped for when I know that I’m not concocting something out of thin air that’s not really there.

But, it’s also sad to me (and more than a bit disappointing) to know that someone has actually had the discussion with him about this behavior and how damaging it can be…and it’s still happened again.

I guess it comes down to the fact that all of this has changed the idealized image of him that I carry around in my head.

While I’m now back on my feet and dancing again, since dinner with my friend, I haven’t texted, emailed, called, or anything else to let him know when & where I’d be boot-scootin’. Of course, he hasn’t contacted me either. Maybe, just maybe, finally I can let go of whatever it is I’ve been holding onto with this guy and focus on being able to find something real with someone who actually wants me, too.