J: He liiiiiikes me!

It’s true.

We had a fabulous date last night. (Truly, a DATE…all of that...it wasn't just a line!)

He picked me up from dance classes and took me out for a very, very expensive dinner downtown, bottle of champagne, fabulous dessert (Basil ice cream?!?…Serious yum, people!) and fascinating conversation followed by singing at the top of our lungs in a piano bar and a delicious makeout session…which led to…more… including a sleepless night and exhausted but ridiculously smiley day.

I like this man.

He likes me.

We’re still “taking it slow”…whatever that means.

If “slow” is more dates like last night…I’ll take it!

S: Mr. September...Still Meh

Lunch was had.

The post could pretty much end there...that's how special it was. But who am I to be concise?

With little enthusiasm, but the determination to give the guy a solid second chance, I met Mr. September at the appointed lunch spot. He went for a hug and I did the sort of arm around, half hug thing. I just don't want to hug the guy.

The place was crowded and I noticed a local joint across the street that he had to try if he had never had their food before, so I asked if he wanted to relocate. He was up for it, so off we went. We had to hop in our cars to cross the busy, suburban commercial district street.

It is a this time that I notice we drive the same kind of car. Yet another thing in common. Why do I have no interest in this person?

We got there, he noticed we drive the same car and seemed delighted by the commonality. I’m thinking, “Crap, he thinks we have all this stuff in common, so this thing is really working.” We made our stuff-in-common commentary and went inside to feed our faces.

He immediately indicated that lunch was on him, which again I thought was very kind. As much as I appreciate chivalry, I still don’t find myself expecting a guy to pay every time. It’s nice when he does. It indicates a level of good treatment that is attractive, no matter the situation.

We got our food and sat down to munch on local deliciousness and work on some chit chat. And that’s what it was…work. Once again, it just felt a little awkward. We have a lot in common, yet our conversation doesn’t flow. We don’t seem to really connect. It was like having lunch with someone you are interviewing for a job with.

I keep wondering why the messages from him were so cute and entertaining, but talking to him is awkward and stunted and uninteresting. What I have realized is that the conversation isn't much different from an email. Paragraph. pause. Paragraph. pause. Paragraph...you get it. No flow. No back and forth exchange. Toss it up...knock it down. Pause for reload.

The whole date just wasn’t that great. In fact, thinking it had been more than an hour and that I needed to get on with my day’s activities, I checked my phone and made noises about needing to leave only to realize it hadn’t even been an hour. I just didn’t feel like staying. I wasn’t engaged.

With my last two boyfriends, the dates always went on forever. Even though we didn’t have all this stuff in common, the conversations would be so engaging that it was hard to end the evening. With this guy, every lull is an opportunity to start gnawing my leg off where it’s caught in the trap.

Finally, I said that I really had to go. I did have some things I needed to accomplish, so it wasn’t a lie. We made our way outside and then stood and talked some more. Because he wouldn’t just go.

At some point he had asked about my plans for the weekend. Halfway through telling him I didn’t have much on the calendar, I realized he was fishing for my availability, so I started going into all the things on my 'to do' list. And, in all reality, there is a lot I need to get done this weekend, so again, no lie.

At my car he asked about seeing a movie if I had some time over the weekend.

Dammit!

I told him I wasn’t sure. That it all depended on some things I was trying to get worked out today that I needed to focus on if I couldn’t get them figured out. He recovered by saying that he would probably lose track of the weekend doing yard work.

And then, after a bit more awkward conversation, he went for the hug again. Ugh. This time he held on and did the extra squeeze thing.

O.k., seriously, what is this guy feeling? Do these encounters not feel awkward to him? Does this actually seem to be going well in his mind? Because, no kidding, I…feel…nothing. If I never saw or heard from him again, I would not be disappointed. Not that he’s a repulsive person, but there’s just nothing between us.

And now, the new challenge is that we have reached the point at which I need to tell him nothing’s going to happen. Later in the afternoon after lunch, he texted asking if I wanted to go see a show next week. I asked if I could get back to him.

The deal is, I can’t let him buy me a ticket to a show…no matter how much I would love to go…because I know I don’t want to go with him and it’s way too much for him to spend on me for no reason.

So I have to strap on a pair and call him and tell him this is the end of the road. Which sucks. But I can’t lead him on. That’s not fair.

Besides, as Jane so astutely pointed out to me, if he’s already going for the hug, the next thing on his list is a kiss.

Noooooooo!

So long, Mr. September.

Why am I doing this again? When can I crawl back under my spinster rock?

S: Mr. September...Take 2

I'm giving Mr. September another chance. Mostly because he asked if I wanted to get lunch and lunch is one of my 6 favorite meals, so how could I resist?

Actually, I figure he deserves another chance. We have a lot in common, and his messages and texts make me giggle. You would think there would be something there. Right? Seriously, on paper, it should be the most fun ever.

Too bad I'm dead inside.

O.k., it's possible I'm being a tad melodramatic.

But really, I'm not sure how it will go. Despite the fun messages, the first get together lacked sparkle and felt awkward. But it was late. I was tired and distracted by the delicious street vendor food. Maybe this time we'll connect. Maybe the chain restaurant food will not be more interesting than the kind fellow providing it. Maybe the conversation won't feel so forced and on the surface.

Or maybe it will and we won't connect again. No biggee. I recall wanting to play the field a bit at the beginning of this year. Here's my chance. I'm going on a date. I can't play the field if that date turns into a game of Life with us cruising the board in a pink car with 2.5 kids and a dog. That just doesn't even sound fun.

Of course, it's not a Date Club sanctioned date, so I'll have to go on another one this month if I don't want to feed the piggy. And that might take some work. I haven't wanted to try too hard lately. And pickin's be slim on the Cupe.

Wait a minute. It seems as though my Date Club fembuds both have guys who aren't stupid and who do call them back and say they don't want to be broken up, which means I will end up with the contents of Sir Piggy all to myself. So maybe I do want to skip dates and load him up.

Maybe Mr. October will be a frozen pizza and a bottle of wine and a stack of ridiculous come-ons from my Ok Cupid inbox. And piggy will get a little bit fatter for ol' Sheila.

As I thought from the beginning...I shall be the last dater standing. Muahahahahaha!

(Anyone who accuses me of throwing the game will get a big giant boohoo story about my broken heart and how I will never love again. Try me. I'm gonna get me some shoe money.)

E: Seeking Mr. October?

Long time, no talk! For those of you who forgot who I am (and I don't blame you), I'm Elle, the one who fell in love with April Date #3 back in, well, April. My reasons for choosing not to blog the relationship were two-fold: 1) I wanted to keep the details of our relationship private, and 2) If he knew I was blogging about us, chances are he would feel compelled to find the blog and read it. He specializes in internet stuff and I especially didn't want him reading all of my dating escapades. I mean, I have some juicy stories on here (remember the pilot?) and last thing I needed was April #3 reading about some of my minor, uh, indiscretions.

I'm sure by the title of my blog you are now thinking, not you too! After the decline of my fembud Sheila's relationship at the five - six month mark, and now the decline of mine, ON the five-month anniversary, no less. (Which means, Jane, you have all of four months and 1 week left with Mr. September....enjoy!) ha ha. No, not really. I'm sure this is all a coincidence. Or is it? Do men get weird this far into a relationship? Has the newness and fun worn off at this point? Have I gotten too comfortable in my black workout pants, gray t-shirt and ponytail? But isn't this the place we all long to be at in a relationship....that phase where you don't have to constantly try to impress, and it's ok to go out to breakfast on Saturday morning without makeup, and it's ok to skip a day of shaving those legs? Hmmmm, questions to ponder.

The last 5 months with April #3 have been a whirlwind. In addition to my beloved dog dying, I moved and somewhat remodeled a new home. And watched money run out of my wallet like water. I don't do well living in chaos. It stresses me out. In addition to all of this, April #3 had his own stresses of being a full-time student, working full time plus some OT at his job, which he hates, and having had a painful operation that he spent 2+ weeks recovering from at my house. Add into the mix the fact that he works 2nd shift, 3 - 11:30, at a job over half hour away from me. Literally we would only see each other on the weekends, and that was if he didn't have to work on Saturday or I didn't have other plans, like shopping sprees with friends and such. The cards were stacked against us from the start.

Yet, somehow, we were able to develop this amazing connection that I had always thought was unbreakable. This magnetism-type thing is a rare find, at least for me. You can't go out to the clubs and seek it. You can't buy it. And you can't make this shit up. It's either there or it isn't.

Problem for us, was the mounting stresses caused us to act and react in ways that we do not normally. And we are both extremely stubborn. Communication broke down and he walked out. He wanted out. He couldn't handle the pressure anymore.

That was almost 2 weeks ago. But last weekend, after a week of extreme heartache for me, and setting my mind to the fact that we were over and I needed to move forward, he contacted me. Apparently that week for him was not only extreme heartache, but also self-reflection, and realizing that he was a turd, and that he never wanted this break up to happen, and that he loves me like there is no tomorrow and can't imagine his life without me in it. He explained that he tried to forget about me, but basically that it was impossible because "I had him at hello" and apparently still do.

So the decision is mine. I have the power in the relationship to call the shots. I do love him deeply and feel a connection with him that is like no other. But I don't trust him with my heart. He left me. At a time in our relationship when we needed communication the most, he chose to go out with his friends instead and not face the conversation.

He wants another chance. He wants to prove to me that I can trust him. And that our relationship is meant to be. He pointed out that we skipped a crucial step in our young relationship. We fell in love so fast, but never got the chance to date in a "normal" circumstance. A dating relationship where I do my own thing on Saturday and lay out by the pool, and he shows up that evening smelling nice with hair spiked (he has great hair for a 39-year old) and picks me up and takes me out for a night of fun on the town. Where we can just enjoy each others company, and give our relationship some roots. We skipped the fun step, because the chaos and stress got in the way.

Roots are good. Roots are what a relationship needs to weather the trials. We didn't have any built yet. And the wind blew us away.

Where does that leave us today? That leaves us with a date on Sunday. And I look forward to him showing up and smelling good with that cute spiky hair thing going on. I'm going to roll with it and see what happens.

Which brings me to the title of my blog. At this point in time, first day of October, I am not sure if I need to find a Mr. October or not. It's difficult to be in transition like this, but is also somewhat reassuring to know that by the end of October I will have answered the question for myself. Either I will be back with April #3, or I will have got back on Match and found a Mr. October! I know you, you're hoping I do. Just so I can once again share crazy-ass stories with you about some guy I met who lives with his mom and writes poetry in his basement and plays the tuba. Well that remains to be seen.

J: The part I didn't tell you

Here’s what I couldn’t bring myself to write last night…and the real reason I couldn’t sleep.

Mr. September apparently is a lot more recently out of his last ‘rebound’ relationship than I had realized. It also lasted a lot longer than I had realized. (Over a year!)

And, apparently I was the VERY first person he contacted on OKCupid.

I’ve dated a ton over the past year. He hasn’t dated at all. Basically, the last time he casually went out with anyone, he was 17 years old.

He mentioned, during our "let's take this back a step or two" conversation that he would still like to go out with other people...but nothing serious...maybe a cup or coffee or drinks or something.

(While also making sure that I understood that he doesn’t have anyone specific lined up…or anyone even in mind for said 'casual date'.)

And, actually, I really did believe him.

And I guess I understood where he's coming from.

He’s freaked out by the speed that we jumped into this relationsip and also by not getting the opportunity to see what/who else is out there before finding someone new.

He jumped from marriage to rebound to me. And while he made it very very clear that he really does like me…a lot…he also doesn’t want to lock into anything serious so quickly after his last relationship.

Like I said…I get it.

However, I told him that if he was going to be out there dating, I would be dating too.

And he wasn’t happy about that.

He asked (very sweetly) if he could also be Mr. October. I reminded him that he was already Mr. September and pointed out that what he was asking for was a double standard, and not at all fair. He sheepishly acknowledged that I was right and the subject drifted in a different direction. No real resolution…

But, here’s the thing that really bothered me…I knew that I don’t really have any desire to date anyone else. This pointed (in my mind) to a huge imbalance. And in my experience, imbalance in a relationship is a bad bad thing.

Early in the wee hours of the morning, I decided that there needed to be another conversation. I decided that while I didn't like the idea of dating around, I could try to deal with it. It would let me continue with this dating challenge afterall and it would teach me how to build up some walls of my own. But, I also decided that until there’s some commitment there, we need to back off on ALL aspects of the relationship that we rushed forward into…including (and especially, if we were 'dating around') the physical ones.

I woke up this morning miserable from just an hour or two of sleep. The first few hours at work were awful…all the way up until I got his call.

He started off by telling me that he had made a major mistake last night. He did NOT want to date anyone else. He wants just me! He didn’t even know why he had mentioned it. He likes what we have so far. He doesn't want to lose me. He wanted to give us a chance!

(But he still wants to slow things way down.) Groovy.

The sun came out. Birds fluttered in the sky again. A thousand-ton weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally feel the gallons of caffeine that I'd been guzzling.

I can do slow.

I can handle taking a step back if I know that by doing so, it will ultimately point me in the direction I think I want to go.

Last night, I had no problem with the idea of slowing down. I agreed with him, actually. What I couldn’t handle was the thought of him actually going on a date...or even wanting to go on a date with anyone else.

I like that he figured it out on his own. I like that he was man enough to admit to his mistake. I like that he apologized.

I also like that he likes me enough and respects me enough to realize that we’re not really going to go anywhere if we’re both always looking over our shoulders…especially considering that we're two formerly-married people who had both been cheated on.

This was the exact call and the exact conversation and the exact words that I would have scripted to come out of his mouth if I hadn’t been so exhausted and miserable.

He did good.

So, we’re on for tomorrow. We’ll be able to spend some quality time together, chatting, sharing stories, holding hands, making each other laugh, and getting to know each other all over again.

Slowly, this time, without all the scary premature expectations.

J: Women’s Intuition

Well...

I wasn’t wrong.

I wasn’t crazy.

Turns out Mr. September WAS pulling away.

Apparently, he is still really really into me…but at some point on Sunday evening he got completely freaked out.

We had a very long and very healthy conversation tonight...one that started on the phone & ended with me going over to his place for a hug, a kiss & a cookie. (Literally, a cookie… chocolate chip, specifically…no…I’m not speaking in euphemisms here). ;)

I’m home now and have been trying to sleep for more than two hours. Finally, I gave in and figured if I can get it all out of my head and onto…pixels...then I’d finally, finally be able to sleep.

Basically, the problem is that we moved too fast. (Who didn’t see that coming?)

Spending every moment of the entire weekend together didn’t help. So, he’s asked that we slow it waaaay back down. He wants to have a chance to actually date me.

And, I think that's a pretty good idea.

The question is…what does that look like? What does that mean? Are we now opening the doors back up to date other people? Do we just see each other once a week? Every other week?

Or, is it more subtle? Is it just a resetting of our expectations? Recalibrating our thoughts and not looking so far into the future?

Ugh…my crazy box is broken wide open on this one.

But the thing is…I actually feel better. I’m just so thankful that he trusted me enough to tell me where he’s at instead of letting all of those awful feelings fester. Besides, my intuition was saying that something wasn't right. And you know what they say about those gut instincts we women have....they're right 99% of the time.

We needed to have this conversation…and it's been had…and we can move on from here. Or not.

And, we’ll see what the next few days have to offer. We have plans for Friday evening and for
Saturday. Who knows what will happen and where we’ll be when Sunday rolls around.

Hopefully, I won't be on a search for Mr. October.

S: Just Needed to Blog This Out Loud

Sometimes...no, a lot of times...I see people with other people who so obviously love them and I wonder why them and not me. Why do they get to have that?

I wonder what's wrong with me.

And then I wonder if I actually want to know the answer to that. Because there's probably nothing I can do about it.

Finding someone to share your life with is not an inalienable right. We don't all get to have that. My guess is I fall into the don't-get-to-have group. I'm prepared for that. But it still sucks.

Because it's inexplicable.

I mean, why not me?

(It's the giant nose zit, isn't it?)