E: Catching My Breath

I had 4 (count 'em, one two three FOUR) dates in February! And it's the shortest month of the year. In fact, I had 3 dates in 5 days. This is insanity. I can't keep up. And mind you, my dates aren't usually short. One lasted for 6 hours. I must fill you in...

You already know about Mr. February, so let me start with Fellow #2. This is one of the men I met at a networking event, the ravishingly good looking one, I might add. This had to be one of the most bizarre, confusing dates to prepare for. You see, at the networking event Fellow #2 made it clear that he has a steady girlfriend. Although I felt intense attraction to him at the event, the flirting stopped once I heard that. So imagine my surprise when I received an email from him a week and a half later asking if I would be open to "catching up" sometime. What the heck does that mean? Does it mean catch up on business (even though our businesses don't have anything to offer each other), or does it mean just hang out, or, better yet, does it mean what I prefer it to mean: I broke up with my girlfriend and I am interested in you. My reply was, "Sure, here's my phone number, call or text me sometime." To which he replied, "Great, let's get on each other's calendars - what works for you?" What do you mean, what works for me? Are you thinking a platonic lunch, some drinks after work, perhaps a Saturday night date?? I was even more perplexed on how to answer that one, and had to call a few girlfriends (even Jane!) for advice. Jane, in her quick-witted dating frame of mind, said I should ask if he prefers business or casual Elle. Great idea! Cute, playful, and begs to be told how to define this date. I replied, "How about drinks on Wednesday night?" He said he was thinking more along the lines of lunch (darn, does that just mean friend?) but could make Wednesday night work too. Still confused, I opted for the Wednesday night and just met him out for drinks. He was just as I remembered him to be - devastatingly handsome - but within the first 5 minutes of conversation had referred to his girlfriend. (present tense). Wow - so this really WAS just a get together to "catch up." I didn't really expect that. Who does that?? And I wonder if his girlfriend knew? Anyway, once the oddness was aside, we sat and chatted for almost 3 hours over a couple drinks until the bar closed. He paid for my drinks, said we need to do this again sometime, and walked me out to my car. It was the weirdest "un-date" that I have ever had. The next morning he texted to tell me what a good time he had and that we will need to do it again soon. And he friend requested me on Facebook. I guess that's appropriate, since we are friends who like to catch up. HA

Moving on to Fellow #3, who was my first official Match.com date! I had reservations about this one from the get-go, but part of this challenge is to date outside of the realm of your "ideal", so I went ahead and accepted when Mr. Beer Distributor asked me out. My preference is white collar, but how has that worked for me? I was all about giving him a shot.

My first red flag was that the guy only likes to communicate via text. In fact, I didn't speak with him on the phone until the night before our date. I was beginning to wonder if he had some kind of speech impediment or something, because of the lack of phone convo. Anywho, I agreed to meet him at a local restaurant. He looked a lot like his pics, but seemed short. FYI - when a guy puts on his profile that he is 5'10", that really means 5'9", with shoes on. So in reality I towered over him with my 5'7" frame in my sexy 3 1/2" boots. We sat down to dinner and got ready to order a drink and get this, he ordered a pina colada! Now I understand that he delivers kegs all day and must be sick of beer, but puleeze order a manly drink on a first date! If it would have come with an umbrella I think I would have bolted.

But I forged on through the date. Already I could tell from the conversation this was going to be a long night. The convo was mediocre at best, and I just lost interest and basically stopped talking for the last 30 minutes. I was busy listening to him blab about anything and everything...even the fact that he hates doctors offices and one time had to have a cyst on his back drained and you should have smelled the awful smell - must have been rotten flesh... Ok, so I'm sitting there eating chicken listening to this guy talk about the rotten flesh smell coming out of a cyst on his back. Can it get anymore brutal?

Finally the check came, and the date was over. But the nightmare wasn't. He texted me the next morning, "So, how was your first Match date?" Bearing in mind that there are psychos and serial killers out there, I chose to be extremely nice, classy and professional. "I had a fun time. Thank you for dinner." To which I received an immediate response, "So, how about a second date. (insert wink characters here)." OK, I don't have the same qualms about rejecting a guy as Jane does. I dont' mess around, but I do it in a kind way. My reply was "I think you are a really nice guy, but I just didn't feel a spark. Good luck with your search - I think you are a nice person." To which the reply was, "Should have gone to Starbucks then. Word of advice, say that at dinner then pay your half of the bill. I'm really not interested in hearing what a nice person I am." WTF?? Can you get anymore juvenile? Apparently so.... My reply was, "I believe you were the one who mentioned dinner. And I take back everything I said about you being nice." To which the response was "Kiss my ass." Hmmm. You've just given me great blogging material, jackass.

Needless to say, my first Match.com date was less than desirable. But my second one was... Enter Fellow #4, one with whom I had been playfully bantering with by email for about a week. I of course had to fill him in on my woeful first date, to which he was mortified that anyone would text me such rudeness. He asked me out for the next evening, which was February 28th. I hesitated for a moment - could I put him off until March? Then I decided that was silly. It was Sunday night, I was free and he was free and it made sense to go out no matter what the calendar said.

Ours was the 6 hour date, on which I found myself laughing frequently. He is just such a funny guy, and quite intelligent, too. He has a southern accent (love that) and even brought treats for my dog. He's someone I definitely want to hang out with again. And I need to determine if there is a romantic connection there. He did not kiss me, and I am not sure. But I'm hoping to find out someday soon...although another date with Fellow #4 will not help in my quest to find Mr. March. I think Mr. March is in my Match.com email box somewhere. Better dust him off and set some plans. :)

S: Spinster License Revoked

It is 3 in the morning and I have just returned from another fantastic evening with Eligible Bachelor, aka Mr. February. It is dangerous for the two of us to spend time together because it flies by so quickly that I’m afraid we will age prematurely.

I know I should first post some cute story about our date in February, you know…the official Date Club Date, and I even have one started about how sweet he was and how much fun we had and how easy it was for us to talk and how I of course spilled because I’m an embarrassment to myself and how the date went on for 6 hours and neither of us wanted it to end, but I don’t want to waste time on that. I’m skipping past it. It’s boring.

This is the juicy stuff.

Suffice it to say that our date went well, as evidenced by the fact that I haven’t been able to stop spending time with him since then.

Me.

The confirmed spinster.

The one who didn’t want to get into a relationship. The one who wanted to play the field and see if she could get 12 guys to go out with her. The one who wanted to have the most amazing year figuring out how to be good at dating. The one who very much likes walking alone.

I am totally sunk. He caught me completely off guard. I’m wrecked. I am a disgrace to the name of spinsterhood.

And I don’t care.

This is too much fun. I can’t get enough of him. Just when I think I want him to give me some space, I’m finding a reason to get out so I can be available for lunch. Just when I think I’m going to stay home and get some things done (like working on Date Club posts) and maybe get some sleep, I’m trying to figure out how soon I can get over to his place, knowing full well that I will not just stay for the two hours I have allotted.

Of course, this is not the plan. He was just supposed to be one date in one month out of one year. And now I just got home from seeing him for the I-can’t-count-how-many’th time in 2 weeks and I can’t wait to see him again. I actually miss him right now.

And the unbelievable part is that he can’t wait to see me again. He’s trying so hard not to crowd me but then he can’t help himself and he invites me over. And I can’t help myself so I go over. We talk…and stuff…and then BAM 5 hours is gone, and the circles under my eyes get darker while the smile on my face gets wider. All the time wondering what he has done to me to make me like him so much so fast.

Oh, and the issue of the physical displays of affection? Gone. I am totally past it. He played that one just right. He caught on early and started giving me lip about my “5 foot buffer” and then somehow it turned into a challenge to see which one of us could stay out of the other’s safety zone the longest. It took him until about 4 a.m. the next night we got together to throw the game and bust through the buffer and kiss me (followed by a cheeky “I lost.”) And thank goodness he did, because we are not going back. Buffer zones need not apply. Kiss early and kiss often.

I am one lucky Sheila, that’s all I can say.

This part is just the most fun. I love it. This is the exciting time when you can’t get enough of each other. When everything is new and unexpected. Every story. Every look. Every kiss. Every compliment. Every move. All different from any in the past. All ever more alluring. There are so many possibilities at this time and everything is just so electric.

And now is the time when all the good traits completely overshadow any of the possible bad ones. When this new person is everything all the others were not. Every detail is more unbelievable than the last. And, let me tell you, there are some fine qualities here. He’s a gentleman…who is so cute about the things he can’t say in my presence. He’s secure…he doesn’t need me to constantly validate my interest in him. He’s confident… I can call him names and he doesn’t get upset he just dishes back. He’s mature…he just knows how to be a grown up. He’s playful…meaning he doesn’t always have to be a grown up. He’s genuine…no games, what you see is what you get.

And he’s totally into me. Oh Em Gee is he ever into me. (This man saw me in a hat just out of bed when he came over and shoveled and he still can’t get enough of me. Case closed.) He wants to see me all the time. He gets excited when we make plans and tries to find excuses for us to get together. He thinks I’m beautiful and tells me so regularly. He wants to find out what I need in a relationship and make sure he’s providing it. He listens. He’s attentive. He appreciates me for who I am, even when I freak him out. He goes out of his way to do stuff for me and never asks or expects anything in return. He just wants to make me happy.

And did I mention that he’s H-O-T hot?

Hummanuh hummanuh…weak in the knees…hot.

He says I’m in better shape than him and he works out extra hard now to keep up with me. But the truth is that he’s in better shape than I and now I have to work out extra hard to catch up to him. Which means, if nothing else, we’ll both end up in great shape when it’s all over. And that can’t be bad. Right?

Yes, eventually there will be a post about all the things that aren’t great about him and why it didn’t work out. In fact, this is the point at which I start calculating how much the inevitable ripping apart is going to cost me emotionally. We have reached the point of no return and will now go “to the Pain” (to quote from The Princess Bride). Meaning the longer we continue and the deeper it gets, the more it will hurt when it ends, but we decide that it’s worth it for the greatness that is the right now. The Pain is later. The great is right now. We live in the now.

This is insanity. I mean, how sad is it that the spinster of the group didn’t last even two months in this challenge? Of course, I still have to decide about March, but I find myself enjoying what’s happening right now so much, that it may well be worth a ten dollar boost for the Piggy just to keep seeing him in good conscience.

There is, however, a more difficult decision to make as we get more involved. When and how do I tell him about the challenge and the blog? And how will he react?

I wasn’t really prepared for this.

I’m ruined. Absolutely ruined.

You can take my badge, but please let me keep the cats.

J: Rejection 101.2

Well…no more avoiding the inevitable.

I got another date request from Suitor #8.

So, I decided against the ignore-him-and-hope-that-he-gets-the-message method and chose to go with a more direct route. With this decision made, it was officially time to let they guy know that I wasn’t interested in going out again.

According to the informal guy poll I quickly ran, 100% of all guys questioned (both of them) said it was important that my message leave no room for doubt. I should make sure that it cut to the chase with no room for interpretation and no ‘flowery’ language allowed.

So after typing in the message and obsessing over the wording and struggling to hit the “send” button, I finally sent: “Thanks for the invite. I’m just not interested in a dating relationship.”

While I enjoyed the feeling of relief that immediately rushed through my body I didn’t enjoy the guilt that came along with it. Was I too harsh? Was it strong enough…maybe he’d interpret it wrong? Did I hurt his feelings? Maybe a little flowery stuff would have been better?

Within the hour, I had a message back. It went something like: “Ok thats fine. I understand. I had a great time meeting you. You're a great person, wished it would’ve worked out. Best of luck to you.”

Aaaah…guilt.

Guys have it so much easier. They never have to send a rejection message. They can just stop calling.

S: Mr. Every Day in February

O.k., I know I totally owe you a post about my date with Mr. Saint Eligible Bachelor February. And I promise there will be one.

I just can't stop hanging out with him long enough to get it written.

Here's the faster-than-a-bullet-hence-the-bulleted-format-speed-post version:

• Friday night: Ended up picking up a pizza and taking it to his house at Midnight, as he texted that he would wait up and even cleared his driveway for me. Talked until 4:30 in the morning.(Minds out of the gutter, lovelies, we really only talked).
• Saturday morning: He came over to my house to help shovel my driveway.
• Saturday night: We both had separate parties to attend, but he wanted to see me. Said he stayed out waiting for an opportunity. (Never once seemed needy or suffocating, for real.)
  
• Sunday: The actual date. So...much...fun... Lasted 6 hours. Felt like 6 minutes.
  
• Tonight (Tuesday): Chirped at me when he was in my neck of the woods to see if I wanted dinner. I had cabin fever from a day of working from home, so I accepted. Somehow this turned into a 5 hour date. A rather enjoyable 5 hour date.

Dateketeers, what am I to do? This guy is, like, the most fun. And he's sweet and polite and, get this, he uses people's names and actually converses with them when transacting business. And, let's not overlook the fact that he is rather easy on the eyes.

So, oopsies...I think I accidentally like one of my months.

When I get around to posting details, we have to discuss how it's possible that I can't wait until the next time I get to see Mr. S.E.B.F, but I have yet to desire any physical interaction. You'll have to help me figure out what's wrong with me. I know it's cold here right now, but could it be that I too have gotten frigid?

And what in Cupid's name am I going to do about finding a Mr. March?

How about we get that groundhog back out and have 6 or so more weeks of February? Pretty please?

More soon! Scout's honor!

E: H-E-Y, must be the aura!

Ok, I think my aura has changed. I am seemingly now a man-magnet! I've officially been on Match for 6 days, and let me tell you, it's changed me. For once I'm in the driver's seat. For once I have choices. I'm not worried where my Mr. March will come from, in fact I'm being choosy about who will get the title!

The emails are still flooding in, the eyes are still winking, and I am still beaming. And I think this has changed my vibe. Suddenly I find myself in less of a desperate situation, and more in a fun, flirty, game where I have my pick of the crop! It has changed my attitude and made me more confident, and I think that has attracted other fellows I have come in contact with outside of Match!

Take this for example. I went to a regular networking function after work one night last week and have had 3 guys follow up with me from that event! One was a shy email "Nice to meet you. Will I see ya at the next event?" Another called for coffee, and yet another one (ravishingly good looking, I might add) emailed to ask me out. I'm here to tell you this kind of follow up has NEVER happened to me in the past!

Anyway, just thought I would share how much fun this is, and encourage my fellow date club comrades to do the same, if their social calendars can handle it. :)

Must go get my beauty rest. I have a date tomorrow night, country line dance lessons on Thursday, and another date on Friday night. Yee-haw!

J: Pushing the Needle...Part 2

Not only did I turn February Date #3 into my potential Mr. March, I also got a "I'm glad you're easy-going. :-)" for my efforts.

Fantastic!

J: Rejection 101

I’m coming to the point where I am going to need to let Suitor #8 know that I’m not going to go on another date with him.

My bestest guy friend tells me that I should have already informed the guy of this fact. I missed my opportunity, apparently, when I responded to his request for a 2nd date with “I already have plans for tonight.” According to him, that was the perfect opportunity to let #8 know that it’s not just tonight that I’m busy…it’s every single other night in the foreseeable future.

Apparently, it’s not a “kindness” to ignore the texts and the invitations and hope that he gets the hint. Yes, I could do exactly that and eventually he’d get it. But really, it’s just not nice. My bestest guy friend also said that he would much rather be told up front that a girl he had asked out “just wasn’t feeling it” so that he could move on instead of obsessing over whether his timing was just bad/he didn’t give her enough advance notice/maybe her schedule would lighten up next week.

Valid point.

I had a very different conversation with Sheila. According to her, at this point this guy isn’t going over the top for me. (For God’s sake…when he asked me out for our second date, it was with less than 24 hours notice!) In S’s words “it’s not like he had a hot air balloon ride planned…he wasn’t slaying dragons for you or writing you poetry or buying you flowers.” Until he shows that he’s head over heels for me, there’s really no need to have the conversation. It’s perfectly okay to just let things dwindle away until the point at which he informs me that his life is not worth living without me…at which point, I really have no choice but to respond.

Another valid point…and truthfully, one that I much prefer. Especially as her approach doesn’t involve any kind of “I’m not feeling the chemistry with you” discussion. (Conflict avoidance-my favorite!)

With these two opposing opinions, I went to scour one of my favorite dating books (“How to Get a Date Worth Keeping” by Dr. Henry Cloud) for advice in this area. As far as I could tell, the book had just four paragraphs on rejection. (Really? Just FOUR!!?!?) Under the sub-heading of “Move beyond the Fear of Hurting Someone” Dr. Cloud offered up the following very basic advice: be honest from the beginning. As long as you’re being honest, you’re not responsible for his feelings. “He or she is an adult and freely chooses to be in the dating arena.” And we should all be very aware of the fact that being in the dating arena, by it’s very nature, means a whole bunch of rejection.

Okay, so, apparently, that’s where I got into trouble.

Because, when this guy looked me in the eyes after lunch and said “we should get together again” I just couldn’t make myself say “Thanks for paying for my lunch, but ya know…I’m just not feeling any chemistry between us. I actually didn’t feel anything from the start but figured that I’d give you another chance because…what the heck...but, um…yeah…you still aren’t knocking my socks off.” I can’t do that! So I found myself saying: “Sure” or some other such stumbly response.

And… I gave him a hug. A HUG?!? Yep.

But, that’s me…I’m a hugger. I hug. Everyone. Just the other day I hugged a coworker I hadn’t seen in awhile. I realized about a half of a second too late that hugs aren’t exactly appropriate work etiquette in the corporate environment, but that’s just the way I am. Sorry!

So, big surprise… after the date, I found myself in the middle of giving a hug before I realized that it probably wasn’t the best idea.

Back to my conversation with my bestest guy friend…apparently when his date initiates a post-date hug, it’s seen as an encouragement. Grrreat. So, um, how are you really supposed to part ways? A high five? A handshake? A “good game” pat on the butt?

So, lessons learned here: (1) no hugs and (2) I need a better response than “sure”. But, for now, I still need to deal with this. I guess the question comes down to: if I run into this guy again, what can I live with?

There is the distinct possibility that I could see him at the next 8-minute event. Do I really want to have to miss out on future speed dating fun just because I’m too chicken to tell one guy how I really feel? How does that 8-minute conversation go?

Jane: “Hiya, I remember you…you took me to lunch and we never spoke again because I was avoiding you by claiming to be waaaaay too busy. But look, I’m obviously not too busy now, if I’m here again, looking to meet new boys.”

Annnnd we’re back to where we started.

When talking about this with another good friend she told me that she never felt so free as when she first learned how to tell a guy that she just wasn’t interested in a relationship. I would like that!

At this point, at this very moment, I don’t have to do anything. I’ll wait and see if he asks me out again and then from how he asks, I’ll figure out how to deal with it. But, here’s the thing…if I don’t figure this out with this guy, I still will eventually have to learn. Might as well suck it up now and start learning. I've got a lot of year ahead of me.