J: What's Next?

Well…we had talked about continuing with our stories on this blog. But since I’m officially done with the challenge and both Elle & Sheila are happily tucked away with their men, it’s seeming like we’ll have less and less to write about in regards to the “Date of the Month”.

I’m still out there on the dating scene but Mr. December has made a surprising comeback!

That man has played his cards right! In mid-January he texted me letting me know that so far, he pretty much likes everything about me and that he wanted to take me out on a serious date.

And, (surprisingly) instead of freaking me out, his text made me smile.

So we had a ‘real’ date: a seriously fancy dinner (hands down, the nicest I’ve ever had) and then some seriously hokey country dancing. We hit both ends of the social spectrum…and I couldn’t have had more fun. Our next date is set for tomorrow and already I’m looking forward to seeing him again and can’t wait to show him around my neck of the woods.

The thing is…I’m just so comfortable around this guy. We can (and have) talked for hours about everything from sushi to religion. I was a bit worried about the friend-to-potential-boyfriend transition. But so far, it’s gone quite well. And thankfully, he’s taking this very slowly. Since I learned my lesson about rushing last year, I’m extremely appreciative about that…but also a bit impatient. Which is delicious. (Again…another sign that he’s playing this game the right way.)

If you would like to keep following my story, check out the blog that I’ll be participating in this year with a new group of ladies. We’re calling it “Well, you know how women are…” and we’ll be covering a range of topics from general themes like “love” (this month) to more ummm…touchy issues (like last month’s “What do you do if you walk in on your son/husband looking at porn.”) We’d love to have you join the dialogue. You can find us here.

Thanks, again, to everyone who’s been reading! It was without a doubt, a year I will never forget!

E: So Happy Together

2010....what a whirlwind year! My wrap-up is way overdue, and I hope we still have some readers out there. Nevertheless, I will re-cap. I left you hanging back in October, with my question of whether or not a Mr. October would need to be found. You see, April #3 had swept me off my feet and we had been together until September, when he got weird and decided we would be better off apart. That lasted for one whole week, after which he came to the realization that we are perfect for each other and that he would do whatever it takes to prove that to me, if I let him. So, I took some time to think about how I really feel about this man and the proposition of letting him back into my life...

My conclusion was, that I undeniably love him and always have. And I do think we are perfect for each other in so many ways. In the big ways (same outlook on religion, kids, etc) and in the little ways - the ones that seem to count the most to me. Those little ways that make me smile, give me security in the relationship, and know he's for real.

We have a compatibility, chemistry(!), and deep love that I haven't experienced in over 10 years, and quite frankly, had given up on ever finding. And let me tell you, it was worth waiting for!

Thank you, Match.com. And thank you Jane, Sheila and Date Club Challenge! I can honestly say that this challenge forced me to get out of my comfort zone and take charge of my dating life. Without it, I would not have had the urgency to get signed up with yet another online dating sight, and Mr. April #3, well, he just might not have met me. And I might still be out there going on dates with men who have boils on their back, want to whisk me away to Vegas after 2 dates, or just plain don't like me because I threw up on their shoes. xoxoxo -Elle

S: The End and Everything After

The year of dating has ended, but I’m not sure I can say I completed the challenge. I only went on 5 of the 12 required dates. But it feels like I completed an entirely different challenge. I fell in love twice.

Me. The Spinster. I fell in love twice in one year. Something I wasn’t sure I was ever capable of doing again.

I suppose I get a little credit for that.

When I started this challenge a year ago, I had absolutely no interest in finding someone. I was happy to be on my own and had decided that I just wasn’t one of those people who was destined to end up with a “the one”. This didn’t bother me, it was just a fact of life.

I was doing the challenge for Jane. And for something to blog about. I had no dreams of finding a mate. I didn't even think I'd find someone who would make me want to drop out of the challenge to date for a while. I thought I would go on 12 rather unremarkable dates, if I could manage to get anyone interested enough to go out with me, and at least have a year of practicing my awkward conversation skills. I thought I'd come away with some blog material and a few amusing date stories.

Never would you have been able to make me believe I would end up falling in love…twice, let alone finding someone I can’t wait to permanently commit myself to.

I knew that at the end of the year of dates, I would not want to keep going on dates. I did not know that it would be because I had found someone who makes dating a thing of the past for me.

Overall, I’d say the challenge was a valuable experience. Yes, I got my heart broken this year because of this challenge, but that’s not the point. I had the guts to put it out there to get broken. And then I survived it. I survived it in such a big way that 1. I now feel quite sorry for the moron who broke it and 2. Having fallen in love when I thought I couldn't, I felt strong enough to get back to the challenge right away and leave myself open to fall in love again.

And this time with someone who knows himself and what he wants. Someone who knew right away that he wasn’t going to let me go. Someone who is patient enough to give me space and let the relationship progress at my pace. Someone who believes I'm worth it and who I believe is worth it. Someone who loves me because of who I am, not in spite of who I am. Someone who makes me extremely happy and who is extremely happy with me. Someone who fits me quite perfectly.

We were set up by a friend, so maybe we would have met and gone out eventually. But without the challenge, I would not have started dating again so soon after getting my heart broken. I would not have let my friend fix me up with someone just going through a divorce. I would not have tried so hard to get us on that first date.

This means we could have missed each other. We definitely would have wasted a lot of time not being together. Maybe he would even have started seeing someone else and the timing would never have worked out.

So a huge “thank you” to Jane for dragging me into this. I may have missed some heartache without it, but I would have also missed something amazing that I thought I would never find.

What I learned from this challenge is that I am one of those people who gets to have a “the one”. And that people are right about finding someone and just knowing. That it can be simple and obvious and not feel like an uphill climb or an obligation.

I know that if you stay true to yourself while being open to love, you can suddenly find yourself very very happy.

S: What Happened to December

Holy Sped Up Month, Batman! Where did December go? I think I blinked and missed it. And I’m already halfway through blinking away January.

But what a good month December was. Well, there was still the usual 2010 crap, but somehow none of that matters anymore now that Mr. November is in the picture.

And he’s in the picture in a big way. For good. Which means he deserves a name. How about Joe? That’s a good, solid, man name. Very appropriate for a good, solid man. Who is not really named Joe. Or is he?

Mid-month, after a couple of weeks of official dates and extra-curricular, random, I-can’t-wait-until-Friday-to-see-you get-togethers, Joe and I had a our 3rd (and final) “just dating” date. It was a very fun night full of spontaneity and trying new things that culminated in a long and open conversation about all the baggage we aren’t supposed to talk about on dates. I needed to know where he was in his divorce healing process and he needed to hear about the things that made me trepidatious in this new relationship.

It was a perfect night and began one of those weekends during which we were never apart. We spent 2 days together, just us. We skipped social engagements. We weren’t concerned with our appearance. We stayed in. We just wanted to spend as much time as possible together. We fell in love.

My favorite picture of us came out of that weekend. It’s a perfect representation of our relationship and how it began. And nobody will ever see it. The moments were shared just between us and so should the picture be.

Here’s what I learned in December:

It doesn’t have to be difficult.

I had no idea it could be so simple and obvious. I didn’t realize that the right relationship wouldn’t have me always struggling to dig myself out of a hole or change the way I am to make it work. I had no idea that the right relationship didn’t have to feel like an obligation…what I’m “supposed” to do.

Finally I’m with someone who both matches me on paper and for whom I have feelings. And, even though the timing may have been a little off (he having JUST gotten divorced and me still getting over Guy), we both feel lucky to have fallen into this so unexpectedly.

The other update I have to provide for December has to do with closing the Guy door. I finally had to tell him that I was in a relationship and he and I were no more. The week following my weekend of Joe, Guy had a few beverages at a work party (I was warned of this by a friend who works with him…and I fully expected to hear from him that night).

Sure enough, the texts began. He was friendly and then made a request for something I could no longer provide. I responded that it wasn’t going to happen because I was seeing someone and it’s a pretty big deal. I told him he got his wish and that I had moved on.

He replied that he was happy for me and that it was his loss. He then wished me the best and said that he knew I would move on before he did. My response to this was that he knew we didn’t belong together and ended our relationship, so I believed he had moved on months ago. He said that, yes, he had ended it, but he hadn’t moved on or else he wouldn’t still be texting me.

He then told me that he had just been telling his friend that night what an idiot he was and that he had made his own bed and now had to lie in it. I replied that I didn’t want him to feel bad. He did what he had to do. He wasn’t ready and I wasn’t the right person.

At this point, I now feel like I’m helping him through this because I am completely over it. Now that I see what it can be like, I know that it wasn’t right and shouldn’t have gone on forever. And I’m glad it ended when it did so I could be available to move on.

I heard from him once more right before Christmas. He began texting under the guise of helping me clear snow off my driveway. Fortunately I had already done this, so I could honestly refuse his assistance. By this time, things had gotten serious with Joe and I wasn’t at all interested in hearing from Guy.

Eventually the messages moved to the territory of “are you home alone…no one should be home alone tonight…” This was danger and I knew it. He was feeling lonely and I was feeling sympathy. For a moment I thought about taking him a piece of homemade pie that I had, but I couldn’t even imagine trying to explain that to Joe. So I told him that I had to stay away. That things were going really well with Joe and he was too good a person for me to screw it up by putting myself in a “dangerous” situation with Guy.

He said he understood. And, because I felt bad, I apologized to him for not being able to be there for him.

I don’t know why. He gave that up months ago. He doesn’t get to have me there for him. I’m not sure why I would still feel obligated to do so. Most of the time I’m too nice.

I think he got the hint though. I thought I had been clear before and this time the message was the same. We’re done. No more text beck-and-call. No more get-togethers when one or both of us is feeling a need. It’s really over. Whether he’s ready or not.

And that feels perfectly fine to me. In fact, I almost feel silly for being so hung up on him now that I know how much better it can be.

I just didn't know.

And so, despite everything, I can’t complain about 2010. Finding Joe has been such an amazing way to end the year that I can’t remember how bad the rest of it felt. The topsy-turvy is gone and I feel settled and stable and unbelievably happy.

J: A Date! A Non-Quota Date!

I. Am. SO. Excited!

I have my very first eHarmony date tomorrow and I CAN’T WAIT! This is the first time in a very very very long time that I’ve actually been this excited about a first date!

It's a whole new game!

I’m not going out with this guy just to meet a quota. Not even subconsciously. After all…there is no quota! Yay! This date is not about going out on a date because I am required to go on a date, it's not about quantity…it’s about quality. Or at least, I think he’ll be quality! I certainly HOPE he’ll be quality! Out of over 250 eHarmony matches, he’s the one that I’ve been the most intrigued by…and the most excited about.

From all that I know about him through eHarmony's fancy “guided communication” process and from our open email banter, I genuinely like him and am truly excited about meeting him in person! And with their “29 Dimensions of Compatibility” surely we’ll at least get along long enough to finish a drink or two, right?

So, tomorrow’s the big day.

Now...if only I wasn’t stuck in my uber-geeky glasses due to my upcoming Lasik surgery…and if only I wasn’t so self-conscious due to those extra 5 holiday pounds…and if only I didn’t have to meet him RIGHT after work, dressed as “Corporate Jane”.

Aaah well…I’ll just plan to suck it in, stick out my boobs, wear extra mascara and smile a whole lot…and maybe I’ll throw in a hair-flip or two.

Wish me luck peeps! I'm trying really hard not to get too excited about something that could ultimately disappoint.

But…you never know, right? It’s a new year…anything can happen!

J: 2010-CHECK!

Wow…how this year flew by! It seems like just yesterday I was tentatively tiptoeing into this challenge. I really didn’t have very much hope, and certainly didn’t expect to be nearly as successful as I was.

But is “successful” the right word? I’m not sure.

Yes, I accomplished what I set out to do. Every single month, I went on at least one date with someone new. Some months I even went out with more than one guy.

I stepped out of my comfort zone. I became comfortable with the dating process. I now know how to respond when a guy buys me a drink. I’ve tried internet dating and 8 minute dating and blind dating. I’ve asked guys out, myself. I’ve learned the perfect way to respond to an awkward text. I’ve learned how to reject (and be rejected!) I’ve learned not to let my heart get too involved too quickly and I’ve learned (the hard way) why it’s so important to keep it guarded. I’ve dated more guys in this one year then in all of my previous years of dating combined and have had more experiences than I ever expected.

So, if you judge success by those measures, yes, I was 100% successful.

But what I really, really, in my heart of heart wanted from this year was to NOT be successful. I wanted to meet someone who wiped this challenge from my mind, completely.

I wanted to be Elle…who met someone early on and is still in love with that same man, today.

I wanted to be Sheila…who let her thick walls down, got hurt…but bounced back and ended up meeting her Mr. Right.

Towards the end of the year, I met someone special too, yes. He filled me with hope and made me believe that I could kiss this challenge good-bye as well. That didn't happen. But through the experience, I remembered what it was like to be in a relationship. I realized how much I truly want that in my life…despite the fact that it isn’t always rainbows and roses.

Most importantly, however, I learned that I’m not willing to settle. I wouldn’t accept a one-sided relationship. What I was getting wasn’t good enough and I deserved so much more. In spite of what my heart wanted, I had the self-respect to get out of the relationship and to take a chance, heading out alone (again) in search of something better…something more real…something that will make all these years of waiting worthwhile.

And that, itself, is something to be proud of.

So, the big question is...will I keep up this challenge into the next year?

Probably not.

At least, not with a quota.

This year, I found myself accepting quantity instead of quality, over and over. I went out with guys that were convenient verses guys that I was truly interested in getting to know....always hoping that maybe I’d be pleasantly surprised. Usually, I wasn’t.

So, for me, 2011 will be about dating guys that I truly want to date instead of focusing on sticking to a timeline & constantly checking the calendar.

And after this year of experimenting, challenging myself and stepping out on that limb, I can go into 2011 with confidence and a better understanding of who I am and what I truly want and need out of a relationship.

A huge "Thank you" is due to my femmebuds; Elle & Sheila. Without you, I might not have been brave enough to fully step out into this challenge or to stick with it for an entire year (let alone write about it for the world to read!) I’ve grown closer to each of you through this year and through this challenge. And if nothing more was accomplished, the growth of our friendship has made it worth the journey.

Thanks to you, readers, for travelling with me on this journey. It wouldn’t have been the same without all of your comments and advice.

It’s been a crazy year, full of fun, stress, excitement, heartache and joy, laugher and tears, longing and surprises, elation and disappointment ...and (if I’m telling the whole truth) I’m SO relieved that it’s over!

On to 2011! Maybe this will be the year “he” shows up.

Maybe not.

If nothing else, 2010 and this challenge has proven that this single gal will be fine either way.

J: Still

Here it is, two month later and I still go back and forth about whether I did the right thing by breaking up with myself for Mr. September.

Still, I wonder if I made a mistake.

Still, I wonder if I was too impatient. I wonder if I should have given it more time.

Still, I wonder if I should have relaxed more…to let it just be what it was.

I still miss him. I still wonder what he did for Christmas Eve…for Christmas Day…for the time that we both have off work. I wonder whether he has plans for New Year’s Eve. I wonder if his kid had a blast on Christmas morning. I wonder whether he made it all the way through the LOST series, what he thought of the ending and whether he actually bought that wetsuit and is still out on the lake, despite these chilly temperatures.

It’s ridiculous. I know. It’s also pathetic…we’ve now been apart for longer than we were together. And, at this point, in my head, I realize that it’s probably not Mr September himself so much as that little taste that he gave me of that meaningful relationship that I’ve been trying so hard to find.

When we first started seriously dating, we became friends on facebook. When we broke up I kept him as a “friend” but to keep myself from obsessing I blocked him from showing up on my feed. It still takes everything in my power though, not to check out his wall to see what he’s been up to.

He, on the other hand, has obviously not done the same thing. Within the last month, he’s “liked” my status no less than 4 times.

The first time it happened, I was thrilled…maybe it was a “sign”. Maybe he was still interested? Maybe he was reaching out? Obviously he’d been watching what I’d been up to! My friends who I freaked out to about it all reassured me that it was just a gesture of friendship…he probably just honestly liked my status. Still, immediately following the “like” I hoped for more…a call…a text…anything. But I waited and…NOTHING.

The next “like” did the same thing to me, to a lesser extent.

By this most recent “like”, I was just pissed. Is he really so clueless?

If this keeps making me so upset I should do something about it, right? But what? Defriend him? No way! I left the door open when I broke up because I LIKE the guy. I didn’t want to shut off the opportunity for anything more, if he would ever come to his senses and decide I was worth dating after all. Defriending would be slamming that door closed.

Defriending would also be saying “you hurt me so badly, I can’t even handle seeing you show up occasionally, electronically.” My pride won’t let me do that either.

Yet all I wanted for Christmas this year (other than being able to complete this challenge: CHECK!) was a call from him, asking me out because he has realized that he wants me in his life. I think that I just want the opportunity to try again. I want to know, beyond a doubt that I did the right thing by giving space. But...I also want to be liked back. I want to be truly cherished. I deserve that.

And since that’s obviously not happening, wish #2 is to figure out SOME way to get over the guy once and for all.

Yes. I know. Pathetic. I'll move on, people, I promise! I won't keep posting about this guy. This will be the last time for me to go on and on about this pitiful stuck state that I can't seem to escape.

I guess Christmas just made me nostalgic for something that I thought I had that never really existed.

Aaah...well. It's way past time to be moving on. Bring on the next one...and Santa Baby, make him a good one this time, okay?

J: A Very Merry Christmas for Jane

Earlier this week, my half-December date asked me to meet him out tonight (Christmas Eve) for some dancing. When I said that I wasn’t sure what my plans were, he tried to convince me to come by bribing me with the promise of a Christmas gift.

So, I was thinking that since he wanted me to meet him out so badly that he was resorting to bribery, the least I could do was consider it an official DATE.

And then, today, he started a conversation via text to make sure that I wasn’t going to back out due to the mass amounts of rain that started pouring down…which turned into a Princess Bride quoting contest (Cute, no?)…which turned into an invitation to pre-dancing dinner. (Definitely a date!)

So, dinner it was, and then dancing. Lots and lots of dancing!

Which means that today, Christmas Eve, marks the day that I completed this challenge! I have officially gone out with (at least) one guy per month for an entire year. I actually accomplished what I considered to be impossible, just 365 days ago!

What a perfect Christmas gift…it was just what I was hoping for!

Now please, don’t get me wrong…I didn’t go out tonight just to check the box. I really do like this guy. We’ve had a BLAST dancing together. And dancing tonight was no different.

Plus, I must say that it was nice to have a little romance on the night when the rest of the world is snuggled up with their families.

We ended the night with a big hug and a “thank you” and a “Merry Christmas, see ya soon!”

And we will actually see each other soon…the next time we’re both out dancing. But, what I wanna know is whether Mr. December (because, he now has officially earned the full name) will call and suggest additional non-dancing activities. Because, if (when) he does, I’ll say yes.

J: A December Almost-date

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been flirting with a NEW dancing guy. He’s in my classes, I see him out socially, and our West Coast Swing can’t be beat! I know that he’s interested in me. While he hadn’t asked me out…a girl can just tell…

Last night was my dance studio’s big bi-yearly show and both this new guy and I were performing. While the two of us weren’t dancing together for the actual performance, we had the chance to dance together between acts and spent the hours that we had to be there before the show, hanging out together.

The performance went pretty late and it wasn’t until after it was over that I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything all day (too worried about nerves getting the best of me!) So, as we were chatting after the event had wound down and everyone was getting ready to go, I mentioned that I was craving a big stack of pancakes and he suggested that we go get some. And, naturally,

I agreed.

Immediately!

I was thinking three things:
#1: Yay! I get to hang out with this guy and actually get to know him a little bit better.
#2: Hooray! A December date!
#3: Mmmmm….pancakes!

But, as we were finalizing our “where” a friend of ours (and fellow performer) walked up, heard us talking and invited herself along.

It was a nice meal together but a little strange. The guy and I split an omelet and pancakes, the friend got a separate dinner of her own. The guy and I sat by each other and did most of the talking, the friend was strangely silent. It truly felt like the guy and I were on a date, and the friend was there as our chaperone.

So…while #1 and #3 worked out for me, I don’t think that I can officially count this as a December date. Maybe I could consider it to be ½ a date? An almost-date? Call him Mr. Dece and hope that Mr. mber shows up too, in the next 11 days?

He DID ask.

He DID pay.

We DID get to know each other better.

There was the INTENT…it was the execution that didn’t quite work out.

S: Mr. November FTW aka Sheila is Off the Market

I have just pulled my profile off of OkCupid.

Mr. November has won.

There will be no Mr. December. I'm not even going to be cynical enough to believe there is the possibility that things with Mr. November could go down in flames before the end of the month.

I may have thrown up on a few of the loop-the-loops, but the thrills were worth the ride. I'm back on the roller coaster.

And I can promise you already that this one will have far fewer scary drops.

I guess I have to turn in my Spinster card again.

With a GIANT smile on my face.

J: Yoo-hoo…Mr. December???

Will there be a Mr. December? I’m thinking maybe not.

With the big holiday and the general stress and emotion around being alone that all of us singles feel, I don’t know how many guys are really looking for a first date this month.

Also, with my switch over to eHarmony, things have slowed waaaaay down. Mainly because of their torturous “guided communication” process where you have to go through 5 million different stages of communication before you can actually email back and forth and get a feeling for who the guy really is…as well as show a bit of personality, yourself.

I’ve had over 170 “matches” so far and not one of them has gotten to that “open communication” stage.

Granted, I haven’t actually begun communication with even a fraction of those 170 matches.

Most of them are awful. Terrible. At least from their profile…(or honestly…from their pictures.) But, I’m still trying to keep moving forward with those that I’ve started the process with…and I’ll keep trying.

But, realistically…finding a Mr. December via the eHarmony route isn’t looking all that promising.

I have been flirty with a guy that I’ve been dancing with lately. We were chatting about facebook and at one point he said “didn’t we talk about this already” and I said “We don’t really talk, we yell” (in reference to the fact that we only talk when we’re dancing because when we’re around each other, it’s always in a dancing setting) and THEN I threw out the “we should go to dinner or something…I want to hear your story” comment (yes…one that I’ve been planning for a week or so) and he immediately agreed with me but then we both were distracted and the conversation didn't go any further.

So, now, we’ll see if he takes the bait. I’ve put my neck out a bit…it’s his turn to take it the rest of the way. If he does…great! If not…oh well, I guess.

Because, honestly, I’m not all that worried about actually finding a December. While I’ve hit every single other month of this challenge, I’m not feeling a driving need to claim a December date. For the year, I’ve gone out with 13 guys already. Isn’t a good baker’s dozen enough?

Obviously, I’m not going to say no if the new dancing guy actually asks me out for coffee. And I’ll keep working that dismal eHarmony scene.

But, if I just don’t find anyone worthy of the title of “Mr. December"…I’m thinking that I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

S: Living in the Recent Past

I don't care what any of the calendars say...in Sheila's World, it is still very much November.

Mr. November, that is.

After two official dates and four extra-curricular get togethers, Mr. November is beginning to look a whole lot like trouble.

I want to move slowly, but definitely in a forward trajectory. I am rather curious about the potential of this guy. I'm really not sure how he got thrown back in the bin.

Nor am I sure where he is in that healing process. I am acutely aware of the danger of this situation.

And acutely excited about it.

But now we have reached the point when it's time to tell stories. We have plans every night this weekend. One of them really needs to involve some "ok, time to let the real shit out" talking. Time to find out where the cracks in the marble are.

And time to find out if I'm going to let the last month of this little experiment pass without trying to get a date. So far I don't care to communicate with another guy. None of them make me laugh like he does. None of them treat me with respect like he does. None of them have crushes on my cats like he does.

And none of them keep my hands warm and my face smiley.

Trouble, I tell you. Trouble.

J: This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to somebody special

Lately, I’ve been feeling all sorts of sorry for my single self.

It’s Christmas again, a YEAR after this experiment started and I’m still alone!

I’ve been seriously grumpy, disappointed, and dreading this entire month.

Ask around! Everyone will tell you that basically, I’ve been the definition of "Bah Humbug".

But, on Sunday I went to church and the pastor spoke directly to me. He said that you see what you focus your sights on. The perfect example that he gave was car shopping. Once you start thinking about the car that you want, all of a sudden there are thousands of that exact car (in the exact color you want) out on the road. They’re EVERYWHERE!

I realized that I’ve been focusing on the one big rejection I got this year, which has made me blind to the fact that acceptance is all around me.

I’m surrounded by it!

I haven’t missed a single month of this challenge. I got the vacation fling I hoped for. Mr. October would do anything to get a call back from me telling him that I wanted a relationship. Mr. November probably would too. The guy I met out dancing the other night would definitely have asked me out if I had given him even a half of a chance.

And all I see is rejection?

All I see is a holiday month ahead of me, filled with loneliness?

Not only do I have the potential for love (albeit with guys I’m not interested in), I’ve been overlooking the fact that I actually already have love.

I have people who love me. I have friends who truly want me to spend Christmas with them & their families. They want me there to share the season, their traditions, their joy. They truly care about me…whether I’m happy or sad…at my best or my worst…they LOVE me.

The way to make it through this Christmas is not to be sad and depressed that I’m all alone. The way to not only survive but also truly enjoy and appreciate this year’s holiday is to focus on the love that I already have around me instead of focusing on the lack of romantic “love” that promises big but never truly delivers.

Plus, I can focus on appreciating being single for another year, and the best benefit of all: no inlaws!!!

S: Appropriate or Not?

I'm going to let you be the judge. I just had this exchange via a certain dating site. Keep in mind that I have never communicated with this person before.

Him
Subject: question
Entire Message: Do you have kids or can you still make babies just wondering?

Me
Subject: Re: question
Entire Message: What a ridiculously inappropriate and personal question to ask a stranger. Not cool.

Him
Subject: Re: question
Entire Message: Huh? Your selling yourself on a personals web site where people go to find a husband or wife and you can't answer a simple question can you make babies something so simple? Wow just what a man wants a woman who can't talk honestly truth and Yes! Personal matters! Got news for You! I can still make babies and clearly You can't.. Why else would a skinny ass uppity blond be on-line unless her major flaw was she can't make babies... Screw your cool. I like honesty and truth. Something your also clearly flawed at.....

end exchange

I don't know. I thought my response was pretty honest. And, coincidentally, I actually use my name on the site. This fellow does not.

I do like the label "skinny ass uppity blond". Very Diane from Cheers.

What do you think? Is "can you still make babies" a proper opening line?

Footnote: If I really wanted to know, my reciprocal question would be "can you make female orgasms?" Because I bet not. Why else would some old fart who could still make babies be online?

S: Well Done, Mr. November

What a great date!

I haven’t had that fantastic a date since…well, you know…Mr. Old News.

It didn’t even feel like a date. It had all the trappings of a date, but it just felt like hanging out and having some laughs with a friend.

I don’t mean to put Mr. November in the friend category, I just mean that it was comfortable. We spoke the same language. There wasn’t all that awkward date pressure.

I never even checked the time. Instead of 45 minutes feeling like an hour and a half, 5 and a half hours felt like 45 minutes. We closed down a bar on a Tuesday night.

I’m guessing that part may have helped. Dinner wine and after martinis got us to relax a bit. Hopefully we don’t always have to be enjoying beverages to have fun, but for the first time at bat, the nectar of Bacchus prevented any “Oh my God it’s the longest time anyone has ever gone without speaking!” moments.

Not that we got schnockered or anything. We are responsible adults. And it was a Tuesday.

Anyway. Fantastic date. Kudos go to Mr. November. I had so much fun that I am looking forward to the next time we go out. No obligatory second date this time. I actually want to see him again. Not because I hope he’ll do better, but because I don’t think he could do any better.

And really, at this point, we have such a long list of restaurants we want to eat at that we’ll probably have to go out for a year just to get to all of them. Which doesn’t seem like a bad idea, other than the sheer quantity of calories consumed.

Judging by our first meal together anyway. Our dinner was delicious. I twisted his arm to get a particularly tasty appetizer, but he loved it so I’m sure it only endeared me to him. That’s the hope, I guess. Our dinner conversation was good. Lots of good get-to-know-you stuff without just sticking to the obvious, boring crap, but also avoiding the kinds of things you just shouldn’t talk about on a first date.

After dinner, as planned, we went down the street for drinks at a fun little neighborhood martini bar. There was laughing. There was chatting. There was arm touching. And, I even got recognized. Yes, that’s right, Little Miss Thang does some internet videos and independent movies sometimes and every once in a while, people in her not-so-big city recognize her from these things when she is out. This is always a strange experience. And never before have I experienced it on a date. I tried to be cool about it. I then demanded loudly that everyone stop staring at me…there was nothing to see…I’m just a person like they are. Do you think that seems cocky?

Time flew by and we decided since we were the only ones left, they may want to close the bar. And now we get to the ever-popular end of date random chat until he decides what move he is or isn’t going to make.

I have determined that there is absolutely no way to avoid the awkwardness at the end of a first date. From now on, I’m just going to call attention to it. I’m tired of ignoring the elephant in the room. I have a new theory on how it should be handled, but Jane made me promise to write it in a separate post, so I can’t tell you what it is right now.

Anyway, we fell victim to the typical first date ending. We stood outside awkwardly making goodbye sounds while he tried to decide what the best move was. I just wanted to say good night and head to my car. He wanted some sort of physical punctuation to the evening.

I’m not a first date kisser. If I remember correctly from the early days of Guy, I was mocked for my physical distance over many of our first encounters. What can I say? I’m slow. It takes me a while to feel comfortable with that sort of thing. I have to assess the situation and see how I feel about everything.

I have a circle of safety.

Because it was such a great date and I am interested in future great dates, I was kind and didn’t just rush to my car, but I really didn’t want a kiss. Or anything. The result of this was a strange half hug and what amounted to him smelling my hair.

People always like how my hair smells, so this probably worked in my favor anyway.

After this tragic denouement, we good nighted and made our separate ways. I wasn’t bothered by it because it was to be expected. I was enjoying the after glow of a very good time. I thought it might have bothered him a bit though.

It is because of this that I allowed myself to be the first to text. This is not usually how it happens, but I thought maybe I’d throw him a life preserver after that. The text was random and meaningless, but it opened the lines of communication and after a short exchange, he apologized for the awkward end to the date. I told him I wasn’t worried about it because that’s just how it goes and that we’d power through. It was certainly nothing that required an apology.

This seemed to set his mind at ease.

At this point, we have already determined what our next date will be, we just haven’t discussed when. And I'm very much looking forward to it. More food and fun is slated and I’m guessing it won’t disappoint. The disappointment will be how busy our schedules are this month and how long it might take to be able to get together.

In the meantime, we will continue to have text and email conversations. He has become the one who I always hope the dinging on my phone is heralding. He’s the one I want to hear from now.

This is the delightful side effect of a good date. Forward movement. There was some static from Guy over the last week. A couple of times he came close to asking to come over. And guess what. I don’t want him to.

Come over that is.

I do want him to ask. Because, for the first time, I could tell him that I’m seeing someone and I don’t want to screw it up by carrying on some stuck-in-a-rut affair with my ex-boyfriend. For the first time, I’m more interested in someone else than in him. For the first time, I can see how somebody else might be better.

Well done, Mr. November.

J: Cruisin' Connection

Soooo…I know after my last post, this won’t surprise you: I ended up having a ‘Love Boat’ experience of my very own with my piano man.

Apparently, meeting someone on vacation is not like meeting someone in real life.

Suddenly, you’re faced with a situation where you know that once the week's over, you’re never going to see the other person again….or at least it’s highly unlikely that your paths will ever cross. And in addition to the lack of a future, the time that you have together in the present is exceptionally limited, requiring the courtship process to speed along at a breakneck pace.

I saw “short-term-fun-time” when I looked into his eyes. I didn’t see either of us making wedding plans or naming our 2.5 children. So all the compliments & appreciation he showered on me was enjoyable instead of freaking me out & driving me away (as Mr. October’s did).

Plus, I had the added benefit of ‘dating’ a star of the ship. We hung out with his dueling-piano buddies when we were out and everywhere we went, they were showered with compliments and adoration and free drinks. These guys were seriously good! (Even my dad, at one point, proudly told me about his encounter with ‘the piano guys’ at lunch one day and how excited he was to get to chat with them. Little did he know…) ;)

And, due to being a performer on the ship and paid by the cruiseline, my piano guy was officially “staff”. So, in addition to the excitement of hanging with a ‘celebrity’ I also got the thrill of sneaking around, Dirty Dancing style since he was basically putting his job on the line by ‘fraternizing with a guest’.

As the week wound to a close, we exchanged phone numbers (and last names). And, believe it or not, since disembarking, we have actually texted. We also have an understanding that if he ever ends up in my city, he’ll give me a call.

But, I’m not holding my breath. I’m not waiting by the phone.

It was what it was. And that’s all that it was. And that’s all that it will be.

And both of us understood that without a word being said.

There’s no obsessing.

There’s no rejection.

There’s no playing out the relationship into the future...wondering about Christmas plans, or whether his family would like me, or wondering how to deal with all that baggage from previous relationships.

There's no freaking out about why he hasn't called.

And, those red flags? No matter!

It was just enjoying the moment, in the moment, for what it was.

And it was fantastic!!!

J: Cruisin' Solo

Well….apparently, since this cruise spans the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s the PERFECT one for families. This is obviously not the week for singles to be traveling. There are quite a few hot guys on this ship but inevitably, about 5 seconds after I’ve spotted one, the beautiful wife shows up or the darling kids run over and hang on his shirt tails…and another one is crossed off my list.

To increase my odds of meeting someone on this cruise, I’ve been attending the “Sailing Solo” meetings. Unfortunately, however, the average age of that crowd is approximately 55. Not good. Granted, there were about 3 guys who were closer to my age, but none of them were remotely interesting…even though each one of them, in their own awkward way tried hitting on me.

Well…I guess I should say, that was my experience up until yesterday when the guys from the dueling pianos act showed up at our singles event. All three of them were super cute…and musicians (remember how I feel about musicians?? Yum!) and, as piano players, aren’t they pretty much guaranteed to have magic fingers? ;)

So, the four of us sat around chatting over our drinks…and I obviously hit it off with one of them more than the others and before I had to leave to meet my parents for dinner, he made sure that I’d be going to at that evening’s big party. Which I was.

After dinner, we met up at the party and danced together and then took a walk together on the main deck and ended up making out on the smaller, sunbathing deck which was by this point in the evening completely deserted.

Nothing “real” is going to happen with this guy. He works on a cruise ship, and lives such a different life from me.

Plus, this would be uber-long distance…and I can’t handle “long distance” when the guy is just an hour away.

Plus, we're not exactly in the same place, emotionally either...he’s still a little messed up from a relationship of his own that recently went sour. (Wow...that seems to be happening a lot these days).

Plus, unfortunately, the guy really didn't get any of my jokes. There were a lot of "oh, that was a joke, right" comments from him. Uhhh...yeah.

But, there was chemistry. Definitely, there was chemistry...

And, this is a cruise ship...

And I’m on vacation...

So, tonight we’re meeting up after he’s done with his dueling pianos performance of the night and we’ll see where this thing goes.

J: Cruisin’ with the 'rents

I’m sitting in an airport waiting for the flight that will take me to Miami and the start of my family’s Caribbean cruise.

This one is with my parents and my brother and I’m doing my very best to be excited about it. But the thing about family vacations when both kids are still single is that they can quickly rewind the clock 20 years and bring out the worst in everyone. It would be different if I was doing this with a husband and a kid….or just a husband…or even just a *boyfriend*. At least in that situation, I would still be seen as an adult by my parents.

But, we’ve never been on a cruise before. And it’s been a very very long time since our last family vacation. So, who knows, it might be fabulous. It might also be extremely frustrating.

I am planning to spend time with the family but I’m also really, really hoping for a nice “Love Boat” experience. It could happen, right? I hear that they have tons of singles events on board and surely other single guys who were dragged along will be looking for a little holiday romance as well, right?

And, luckily, I’m not sharing a room with my brother (although he will be next door…with the ‘rents just across the hall.)

I’ve had my November date and it’s not quite December yet so this would purely be a ‘bonus’ opportunity in regards to this challenge.

Who knows…anything can happen if I keep my mind open.

I specifically brought my computer along for blogging purposes....even though I won't be logging in due to the per-minute cost on the ship. So, while there will be some radio silence for awhile, hopefully I'll have a bunch of posts for you when this vacation is done.

Wait...or maybe I should hope that I don't blog at all since I'll be too busy having fun and won't have time to be on my computer at all.

Fingers crossed, friends...fingers crossed.

S: November Cup Update

And we have a winner!

The November Cup has been taken by Contender the Third!

At the start of the race, C3 had worked his way into the lead by being the only contender to have actually made mention of a social outing. And, only a few laps in, this contender earned a decisive victory by suggesting dinner early next week.

We went a few rounds about where we would eat, because I’m notoriously bad at choosing a restaurant, but the message exchange was actually quite fun. He plays along very well and we feel the same way about a lot of food related topics. This is promising for dinner conversation. We’ll see if he ends up being any better at in-person bantering than the last two Misters.

After the flurry of exchanges to get our plans hashed out, I found myself disappointed that there wouldn’t be more to discuss. What do you email about once the date has been made when the original intent of your messages was to get a date made? I didn’t want our exchanges to come to a screeching halt. I was having too much fun.

Good thing I’m a master of random crap. I threw out some odd topics of conversation and the banter continued. Until now. Because he left town for the weekend.

And now I kind of miss Contender the Third. The newly crowned Mr. November. I found myself looking forward to his responses to my random crap. He takes the bait I put out for him and he makes me laugh. And then sets out new bait for me.

I’m actually looking forward to our date as more than just a quota filler after the last week of back-and-forth. I didn’t feel a great connection during the group drinks last week, but now that the ice is broken and it will just be the two of us, perhaps things will flow a bit better. We both have a better sense of what can be discussed safely with the other and we have a little bit of shared history to get us going.

And wine. There will be wine. And martinis. This will definitely take the edge off. But not too much. It’s good to have a little edge. It’s much easier to keep one’s distance when sober.

So that’s it. The November Cup has been decided. I was sweating this one, but a worthy stallion has come through.

In a late breaking photo finish, Contender the First also suggested a get together for drinks not a couple of hours after I accepted Contender the Third’s dinner request. I’d rather have Contender the Fourth cross the finish line for December, but it looks like I’ll be able to keep C1 at the starting gate for an early take-off next month.

Then I have to figure out what to do with the remaining contenders.

S: The November Cup

I just checked the calendar…we are halfway through November. This worries me because I have yet to score any date plans. And I’m not sure I will. This month is running low on weekends and one of them is a holiday. Scheduling options are getting scarce.

I have a few Mr. Possibilities I’ve been working on, but I don’t know if any of them will hit the “go out” button in the next couple of weeks. Every one of them seems close, and yet…nothing. And I’m still in this place of feeling like I can’t do the asking because I think it makes the subsequent “I don’t want to get involved” chat more difficult. I mean, why do the asking if I’m not interested? How do I explain that?

So it’s going to be a race to the finish this month. Here are the 3 contenders for the title of Mr. November. At this point, they are neck-and-neck. And I may get left in the dust.

Contender the First -

There is a fella I’ve been exchanging messages with on my chosen dating site. He started the conversation by letting me know he was amused by my profile. Not the first time I’ve heard that, but if a guy says it in an interesting way, I’ll respond. He seems intelligent, can banter and hasn’t made any overt, disrespectful sexual remarks. My tactic with this contender is to keep encouraging talk of food preferences we have in common in order to work my way into a lunch or dinner invitation.

There are two major issues with C1. First, he’s still married. He’s listed himself as “separated.” I don’t know what this means, but right now I couldn’t be more done with dealing with Bitter Divorce Guys (BDGs). (To be fair, I haven’t yet sensed his bitterness, but I have yet to meet a divorced guy on the dating scene who isn’t). And if he’s not even actually divorced? He’s all kinds of potential train wreck. But, all I need is one date. One dinner and a kind “I can’t see getting involved while you’re still married and dealing with this crap.” Just one. This month. Like…now.

The other issue, you ask? He is currently out of the country. Yes…you read right…*out of the country*. Just as I was working my, get-him-to-ask-me-out-and-make-sure-he-thinks-it’s-his-idea magic, he sends a message saying he’s getting on a plane and crossing the pond. Great, I’m trying to get a date on the calendar in the next couple of weeks and he leaves the country. The good news is that he sent me a message from over seas. I was surprised by that effort. Definitely a sign of interest. I guess we’ll see what happens when he gets back. Just need that one date. You know…yesterday.

Contender Uno may be lagging behind the pack due to his relative proximity to me and any place we might go together.

Contender the Second -

There is another fella I’ve been conversing with on the same dating site. I sent him a random message a while back and finally got a response apologizing for the delay in reply. Again, just like Contender the First, he seems intelligent and fun to banter with, but I’m not that excited about him. He corrects me. Don’t correct me. That’s just rude. We have some grammar pet peeves in common, which gives us something to chat about, but I can’t deal with hanging out with a corrector. You spend too much time wondering if you’re saying the wrong thing and if he’s judging you. And then you have to try really hard not to correct in response to his corrections.

BUT, I just need the one date. It just doesn’t seem like he’s going to ask. We exchange friendly messages, but he doesn’t seem in any hurry to meet. He asks me what my plans are for the weekend, but then doesn’t really take it anywhere from there. I’ve started to believe that he will not be asking me out in time for him to be Mr. November. If at all.

Which, in reality, I don’t mind. I’m not very interested in him. Actually, if we did go out, I think the lack of spark/interest would be mutual. I think finally I would find myself in a situation in which we both know it’s not going any further and we’ll both be fine with it. (Also, I suspect he may be writing a secret blog about dating too…he’s not the dating site type.)

Even so, Contender the Second is picking up the rear with Contender the First at this point, due to his lack of a sense of urgency.

Contender the Third -

This contender has been added to the roster by more traditional means. He’s my second fix-up of the Date Club Challenge. Guy was the first fix-up, although a subtle one. Ok, he was more of an ambush, but I’m paying the price for it, so I don’t feel bad.

Anyway, a friend suggested a fix-up between me and a guy who works in her office and I told her I was o.k. with it, knowing full well I need to get a November on the books. So, she set up an after work drink get-together between the three of us and another friend. It went well. He’s a nice guy. Very congenial and polite. The four of us had some good conversation over some drinks and appetizers.

Buuuuut, no spark. My friend called right after, and before her phone died, I told her if he asked me out I would go, but that I didn’t feel any strong sparks flying around. Frankly, if he didn’t ask me out, I’d be fine. But we didn’t get to talk much, so maybe there’s more there.

Here’s the little bit of news she passed on to me during our brief post mortem chat…he’s getting divorced. Like, right now. His divorce is final this week. Again, he didn’t behave like a BDG, but he’s going through this as I type. He can’t be in a good place.

I suppose this isn’t a bad thing. It gives us both a safe reason not to get involved. No need to reject anyone personally. We have an “out.”

Back to the race. Contender the Third moved to the head of the pack today by being the only one to actually have suggested a social outing together. As is the modern custom, C3 friended me on Facebook a day or two after our fix-up and began a conversation. We’ve been having some fun going back and forth for a few days and both playing the “how can I create an ask-out situation without going out on a limb” game. It’s working.

I got a bit concerned when he said he was out of town for the next two weekends and how did December sound, but then he also added that we could possibly go out during the week. I made a push for during the week.

Place your bets on Contender the Third. He’s a few lengths ahead.

BUT WAIT! Another stallion has just entered the race.

Contender the Fourth –

The very thoughtful dating site will sometimes send me mate suggestions. Most of them are frightening. This one was not. This one is tasty. And he sent me a message. Yay! I do like hearing from the tasty ones.

He has some catching up to do and I’m not sure he’ll make it, but he does seem interested. He’s younger than I’d like. And, if we go out, I could see him being a bit cocky for my tastes, but he comes across as a nice guy in his messages and hasn’t gotten creepy yet. And no sign of a divorce.

And did I mention the tasty? Yum.

I don’t imagine he’ll catch up to the other contenders at this late date, but he might. He certainly has the confidence to. I won’t have to do a lot of encouraging. This is not a contender who gets shot down.

If he doesn’t win the November Cup, my bets are definitely on him for December.

So, the race is on. Four contenders. Two weeks. Can Sheila pull this one out or is she going to owe Mr. Piggy? Put on your best hat, sip your mint julep and sit back and enjoy the show.