S: Un-Birthday

In case you are keeping score at home…he didn’t acknowledge my birthday.

BUT, he’s not a jerk. He had a very legitimate excuse (although, to hear him tell it, he didn’t). He had the wrong day. He thought it was Wednesday.

He didn’t forget, he just didn’t remember correctly.

This makes sense to me. It happens. And it totally explains the day. I mean, I really couldn’t understand what was going on. He’s not the kind of guy to forget a birthday. He’s very thoughtful. And he likes making plans for things, so he doesn’t just let stuff go by unnoticed.

This is why I couldn’t figure out why he never said anything all day. Of course, I probably should have said something, but I have this thing about telling people it’s my birthday. I don’t like to spend the day going around saying, “Hey! It’s my birthday! Celebrate me! Do things for me! Buy stuff for me! Love me!” If people notice…great, but I’m not going to make a thing about it. It’s just my birthday…there’s no reason to throw a parade.

So I just kept waiting and wondering when he was going to ask what I wanted to do that evening.

There was ample opportunity. He stopped by my house to pick up things he had brought for the weekend’s party (See? Thoughtful…he made the party even better with his table and tent and very fun party attitude the whole night.), but said nothing.

I told him a story from the day that included a bit about someone wishing me a happy birthday and still…not a glimmer.

Then he half-assed said something about seeing me later and drove off to make dinner for his son. Not…a…word.

Again, I didn’t want to make a deal about it, but after he drove away, I got more disappointed than I expected to. I was actually sad. So, knowing full well that when I saw him later he would wonder why I was not my usual self, I figured I better tell him what was going on. I sent him a text telling him it was my birthday.

He immediately felt bad and apologized and told me that for some reason he had Wednesday in his head. Between phone calls from my family, I texted him that it was o.k. and not a big deal. It happens.

But he still didn’t make any plans. There was no invitation to come over right away to do something to make up for it. So, when my girlfriends, who I had blown off for dinner in case I had birthday plans, twisted my arm to join them, I went.

This caused trouble. He never received my last response telling him that I understood how a mistake can be made in the first year. He thought I was mad and being silent. And then I was silent for hours. Next thing he hears is that I spent the evening with the girls. Instead of him. He thought I was punishing him.

I wasn’t. That never occurred to me. I just wanted to do something so I wasn’t at home being disappointed. And I didn’t know he hadn’t received my text. In fact, in my world, I hadn’t heard from him for hours. I thought that somehow now I had done something wrong.

Then it got messy.

Although, you’d be proud, I held my own and didn’t even need my usual discussion lag time to respond to his points. For once I felt like I was at his level. This probably shouldn’t seem like a victory, but I really feel like I’m growing.

We talked. I almost walked. We talked some more. And we got it all straightened out.

Here’s the problem, text messages seem easy and convenient, but we so often miscommunicate through them and miss them altogether sometimes if they’re delayed, that our reliance on them gets in the way. Usually, you can trace frustrations we have back to misread or never received messages.

And we know this. Yet we still do it.

The good thing is we always work through it until we get to the bottom of it and realize where it all went south. This time was no different. We just kept at it until we both got to say what we were feeling AND feel like the other understood our perspective.

And then it was done.

And, hey, text messages aren’t all bad. This morning I was sent a very enthusiastic “I love you!” Nothing to misread there.

S: Of Birthdays and Such

So, today is my birthday. This has not been mentioned by a certain someone. I’m wondering if it will go unnoticed.

It’s really o.k. if it does, I mean, it’s just a day, right? And lots of other people have wished me a good day. I even got a free lunch. That should be enough. Yes? It shouldn’t matter if it’s just a Monday in his world. He’s got a lot going on. I know I’m not the center of his universe.

But still…celebrating special days can be so great when you have someone to celebrate with. Which makes it more of a downer when that someone doesn’t realize it’s a special day.

I’ve said it here before, the actual day of my birth is rarely a very good day, so it’s always better if I don’t think it’s going to be. I can’t be disappointed if my expectations are low.

This means that today is merely Monday, June 21^st. The first day of Summer. That is all. Happy solstice to you!

O.k., that’s out of the way, now for the "such" indicated in the title.

We had a doozy of a fight on Friday night. I’m no good at fights. I can’t argue. Really, I can’t. I’m completely incapable. It seems like a simple skill but I’m usually so surprised by what’s being reacted to or brought up that I can’t come up with quick responses.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. And by “lover,” I mean “bottler.” I won’t start a fight. I’ll just bottle the feelings up until they turn my soul into Swiss cheese. I avoid a conflict at all costs. All.

I realize this is unhealthy. I never said it was good. It just is what it is. But I’m trying to get better.

Of course, it doesn’t help that he is very adept at fighting. He starts talking to me like I’m a child and arguing me into corners by asking leading questions that have only one answer. And before I realize it, he’s shut me up while completely missing the point of everything.

I hate that I can’t fight. Always have.

This time I didn’t give up once I got cornered. It took me a few minutes, but I called him and made my point when I was able to think straight. Then, being very angry and not finished, I got in my car and drove to his house to do the thing that was the catalyst for the fight in the first place.

He wasn’t so happy about this. Nor did I expect him to be. Nor did I care. I was mad. I don’t usually express my anger, so I was kind of proud of myself for doing so.

The good thing is that, unlike in the past, I know that a fight is just a fight. It doesn’t mean we should not be together. And this one blew over quickly. I think he was over it faster than I was. The next morning, I wasn’t sure if we were on speaking terms or not. I couldn’t take it anymore so I sent him a text. Turns out everything was good.

So, apparently, you can fight and be mad and still be o.k.

Unless birthdays are forgotten. Then there’s trouble.

And lastly, this weekend is Jimmy Buffett weekend. On Friday (the work gods willing), we will endure a 5 hour road trip in order to spend the weekend maintaining a good buzz, hanging with friends and enjoying some cheeseburgers in paradise.

What’s fun about this, aside from being a weekend of debauchery, is that this is a date that he asked me on within the first couple of weeks of us going out. At the time it seemed dangerous to imagine we would still be seeing each other that far in the future. It also seemed strange that he would ask me on such a road trip when we had only been dating a couple of weeks. He must have been very confident about us.

And I suppose he was right. Just don’t tell him I said so.

Anyway, hopefully I have excellent stories of good times for you next week.

J: Happy Birthday Femmebuds!!!

How crazy that all three of us have summer birthdays. Even crazier, two-thirds of us have birthdays within not only the same month…but also within two days of each other!

One of the best things about this challenge has been the way the blog has kept us in contact…yes, yes, we stayed in touch before, but not like now. It’s been so much fun to strategize about getting our dates in time, sharing stories about those dates, and then watching both of you fall in love.

I want to make sure that you both know how much I love you and how lucky I am to be called your friend.

Have a great year! Love a lot, laugh as much as possible and live as fully as you can.

J: Like Me

At a pre-dancing dinner with a friend, I mentioned that I’m getting out and trying to date more. She got a thoughtful expression on her face and out of nowhere, she said: "What about [the one I call Dancing boy]?"

Seriously!

I was shocked and asked why she mentioned him…why him specifically…why was he the first to pop into her mind? Her response was: “You like dancing, he likes dancing, you’re both going to the same church and have the same interests, I think you have a lot in common. He's attractive, and charming and you're both single.”

I told her I very much would like to date him but that I had come to the realization that he’s “intimacy challenged” and just not available. She was surprised to hear that and said that she had once been a close friend of his and that they had had deep discussions and…well…there was more, but it was a long story.

I told her where I’m at with him…trying so very hard not to read anything extra into his thoughtful texts and emails. Trying not to have hope whenever he throws me a crumb of attention. I begged her to please, please please tell me that story because...no matter how long the story was, I had a very strong feeling that I needed to hear it.

In short, it turns out that a couple of years ago, she was in the exact same place with Dancing Boy as I am now. He was txting her after an evening of dancing, with what sounded like the exact same texts he's sent to me. He sent her the same encouraging and charming types of emails as I have received. He led her to believe that he was interested but would never take that one last step that would make it a relationship that went beyond friendship.

Finally, she ended up confronting him. She needed to find out where he really was in regards to his feelings for her, but also to let him know how it had felt…all of the confusion, the pain, the hope, the frustration & the disappointment. He acknowledged what had happened and apologized and they were able to repair their friendship…but by that point, something had changed and things, even to this day, are not exactly the same between them.

Wow.

I was right. I NEEDED to hear what she had to say. Having someone else tell the story of what I've experineced in the last 6 months with this same guy was a little bit freaky. I was hurtful. It was disappointing, but also exhilarating and it turns out that it was also very healing. It helped to know that I’m not crazy. After hearing her story, I noticed a shift my perspective. It all of a sudden feels easier to let go of everything I had hoped for when I know that I’m not concocting something out of thin air that’s not really there.

But, it’s also sad to me (and more than a bit disappointing) to know that someone has actually had the discussion with him about this behavior and how damaging it can be…and it’s still happened again.

I guess it comes down to the fact that all of this has changed the idealized image of him that I carry around in my head.

While I’m now back on my feet and dancing again, since dinner with my friend, I haven’t texted, emailed, called, or anything else to let him know when & where I’d be boot-scootin’. Of course, he hasn’t contacted me either. Maybe, just maybe, finally I can let go of whatever it is I’ve been holding onto with this guy and focus on being able to find something real with someone who actually wants me, too.

S: No Girls Allowed

This weekend was supposed to be guy weekend. No chicks allowed.

Which makes it somewhat amusing that I spent quite a bit of time with the boys. (Unless it means that I resemble a male so closely that they didn't know the difference.)

O.k., so really the camping/canoe trip got cancelled and the weekend (literally) got blown out of the water. This meant that the guys who had come from out of town to join the group had to find other things to do. Like enjoying malted beverages. Of course.

One of Guy’s buddies had already asked me earlier in the week if I was going to join them for a beer on Friday, so I had planned to crash that party from the beginning. I mean, who am I to turn down an invitation from a gentleman to partake of a brew?

Well, “joining for a beer” turned into crawling into bed rather impaired at 4:30 the next morning. Most likely because, as soon as they met me, the boys decided to get me drunk. I’m not sure why.

The next day, they wanted me to come back and play poker with them. I had many things to do at home, so I had to decline. This led to way more disappointment than appropriate on “no women allowed” weekend.

Apparently, Sheila is rather charming.

I do have a way with friends. And I’ve always had an easy time being “one of the guys.”

In order to alleviate their disappointment from the day, I made sure to spend some quality time with them that evening. Mostly keeping them from looking like a bunch of d-bags out on the town. From what I can tell, one halfway appealing female can legitimize your man gaggle. And make it easier for other females to warm up to you. (I’m happy to help when I can.)

This evolved into another 4:30 a.m. night and I am now officially exhausted. I guess I’m not the spring chicken I once was.

Boys wear me out.

But it was worth it. (Especially when one of them was adamant that he was 10 years older than me. It’s great to give off a 28 vibe a week before I turn…umm…way more than 28.)

I can’t wait for the next “no girls allowed” weekend.

J: Mr. June

Tuesday was my date with Mr. June. This was the guy that I mentioned in an earlier blog who worried me a bit by his preoccupation with appearances. This was also the guy who I was expecting to be Mr. May, but who cancelled on me twice due to his crazy work schedule.

So, Tuesday, we were going to stick with the original plan that we made back in May to meet and basically have a picnic lunch together. A creative, and fun idea! Unfortunately, on Monday night he texted me asking if we could still plan to get together but skip the lunch part since he only had a short time available to spend with me, and then he'd need to get back to work. Sure, no worries, I would pick up lunch on my own after we met and take it back to work and eat at my desk. (Fun!)

Tuesday arrived and we met and chatted (yes, it was for 45 minutes so it totally fulfilled the “a date is more than 30 minutes” rule.) I didn’t feel any real chemistry but he was a nice guy and when he asked if we could meet for lunch on Friday, I said yes.

That night he called to say that he had enjoyed meeting me and was looking forward to seeing me again.

Several days went by and Friday morning dawned with no additional contact. Finally, around 10 in the morning, I texted him to make sure we were still on for lunch. He texted me back with huge apologies. He had completely forgotten…and not only had he forgotten, he had also made other plans!

Tell me…do you forget a date when you’re actually interested in the other person?

No.

Granted, he really is super busy with work, but so am I…and I didn’t forget. (And I wasn’t even all that excited about the follow-up date.)

If I hadn’t texted to confirm, I would have shown up for lunch at the restaurant we had agreed to when we originally talked about the date and I would have waited…and waited…and waited…and eventually would have ended up walking out in shame at having been stood up. And it would be another lunch at my desk.

I’ve given this guy more chances than my gut said I should.

And maybe the timing was just wrong.

But considering this is the third time that he's flaked at the last minute…I’m done.

S: Co-Dependent? Depends.

Recently, the question on my mind is "Has Miss Sheila become co-dependent?"

I don't want to be co-dependent, because it seems like an unhealthy way to live, so I do my best to remain independent. But I'm not sure I would really know if I were co-dependent. I don't know that I actually have a firm grasp of the term.

The Sheila/Guy thing has raged on for nearly 4 months now and here's what's happening...I find myself needing to see him every day. O.k., I'm not climbing onto ledges or anything, but I have to admit to the fact that my day kinda goes in the crapper if I know I'm not going to get to see him at some point.

Is this wrong? Is this right? Is this crazy? Is this normal? Is this something only a crushed-out, twitterpated, 13-year-old girl should admit to feeling? (Full disclosure: I just texted him that I missed him because I haven't heard from him in a while. Shall I have my head examined?)

I know I should *want* to see him, duh...he's my boyfriend. I mean we haven't run off and gotten married, so of course I still want to spend time with him. The question is *how much* should I want to be with him? Should my mood be so affected by whether or not I'll have the opportunity to see him on any given day? Should a large percentage my personal well-being and positive frame of mind depend on getting to see my boyfriend? Is this how mature people have relationships or am I a teenager trapped in the body of a...very young and spry...30 something?

On the other hand, and possibly worse yet, what happens when the day arrives that my mood is not affected by whether or not I'll see him? Is that the end of the line? Is it all or nothing? Co-dependent or single?

Am I co-dependent because he makes me happy? Or is the true sign of co-dependence an inability to function when not in his presence? I'm pretty sure I can still have a life without him, it just wouldn't be as...well...good. Is my goofy grin a physical manifestation of an unhealthy attachment, or simply a reason to get some more Pearl Cream to smooth out those laugh lines?

And so, if I am co-dependent, what do I do? How do I stop it? Do I back off (which sounds like a terrible idea)? Do I stay the course and remain co-dependent?

I don't know. I'm clueless.

What I do know is that it doesn't feel like anything is wrong. I don't feel like our relationship is unhealthy.

Maybe I need someone to hand me a craft fair style "If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It" sign so I'll shut the (expletive deleted) up. As far as I'm concerned, there's no reason to go looking for trouble. I refuse to be a couplecondriac...finding issues where there are none.

You know what, world? I have a boyfriend. He is fantastic. I love spending time with him. If I could spend every minute of every day with him I would. I can't, and that's fine. I'll just spend the other minutes thinking about the minutes when I am with him. I will text him when I miss him and I will smile in a silly, head-over-heels way when he replies that he misses me too (which he did...and I did). And if that makes me co-dependent, so be it. It feels good. Dammit.