J: Still

Here it is, two month later and I still go back and forth about whether I did the right thing by breaking up with myself for Mr. September.

Still, I wonder if I made a mistake.

Still, I wonder if I was too impatient. I wonder if I should have given it more time.

Still, I wonder if I should have relaxed more…to let it just be what it was.

I still miss him. I still wonder what he did for Christmas Eve…for Christmas Day…for the time that we both have off work. I wonder whether he has plans for New Year’s Eve. I wonder if his kid had a blast on Christmas morning. I wonder whether he made it all the way through the LOST series, what he thought of the ending and whether he actually bought that wetsuit and is still out on the lake, despite these chilly temperatures.

It’s ridiculous. I know. It’s also pathetic…we’ve now been apart for longer than we were together. And, at this point, in my head, I realize that it’s probably not Mr September himself so much as that little taste that he gave me of that meaningful relationship that I’ve been trying so hard to find.

When we first started seriously dating, we became friends on facebook. When we broke up I kept him as a “friend” but to keep myself from obsessing I blocked him from showing up on my feed. It still takes everything in my power though, not to check out his wall to see what he’s been up to.

He, on the other hand, has obviously not done the same thing. Within the last month, he’s “liked” my status no less than 4 times.

The first time it happened, I was thrilled…maybe it was a “sign”. Maybe he was still interested? Maybe he was reaching out? Obviously he’d been watching what I’d been up to! My friends who I freaked out to about it all reassured me that it was just a gesture of friendship…he probably just honestly liked my status. Still, immediately following the “like” I hoped for more…a call…a text…anything. But I waited and…NOTHING.

The next “like” did the same thing to me, to a lesser extent.

By this most recent “like”, I was just pissed. Is he really so clueless?

If this keeps making me so upset I should do something about it, right? But what? Defriend him? No way! I left the door open when I broke up because I LIKE the guy. I didn’t want to shut off the opportunity for anything more, if he would ever come to his senses and decide I was worth dating after all. Defriending would be slamming that door closed.

Defriending would also be saying “you hurt me so badly, I can’t even handle seeing you show up occasionally, electronically.” My pride won’t let me do that either.

Yet all I wanted for Christmas this year (other than being able to complete this challenge: CHECK!) was a call from him, asking me out because he has realized that he wants me in his life. I think that I just want the opportunity to try again. I want to know, beyond a doubt that I did the right thing by giving space. But...I also want to be liked back. I want to be truly cherished. I deserve that.

And since that’s obviously not happening, wish #2 is to figure out SOME way to get over the guy once and for all.

Yes. I know. Pathetic. I'll move on, people, I promise! I won't keep posting about this guy. This will be the last time for me to go on and on about this pitiful stuck state that I can't seem to escape.

I guess Christmas just made me nostalgic for something that I thought I had that never really existed.

Aaah...well. It's way past time to be moving on. Bring on the next one...and Santa Baby, make him a good one this time, okay?

J: A Very Merry Christmas for Jane

Earlier this week, my half-December date asked me to meet him out tonight (Christmas Eve) for some dancing. When I said that I wasn’t sure what my plans were, he tried to convince me to come by bribing me with the promise of a Christmas gift.

So, I was thinking that since he wanted me to meet him out so badly that he was resorting to bribery, the least I could do was consider it an official DATE.

And then, today, he started a conversation via text to make sure that I wasn’t going to back out due to the mass amounts of rain that started pouring down…which turned into a Princess Bride quoting contest (Cute, no?)…which turned into an invitation to pre-dancing dinner. (Definitely a date!)

So, dinner it was, and then dancing. Lots and lots of dancing!

Which means that today, Christmas Eve, marks the day that I completed this challenge! I have officially gone out with (at least) one guy per month for an entire year. I actually accomplished what I considered to be impossible, just 365 days ago!

What a perfect Christmas gift…it was just what I was hoping for!

Now please, don’t get me wrong…I didn’t go out tonight just to check the box. I really do like this guy. We’ve had a BLAST dancing together. And dancing tonight was no different.

Plus, I must say that it was nice to have a little romance on the night when the rest of the world is snuggled up with their families.

We ended the night with a big hug and a “thank you” and a “Merry Christmas, see ya soon!”

And we will actually see each other soon…the next time we’re both out dancing. But, what I wanna know is whether Mr. December (because, he now has officially earned the full name) will call and suggest additional non-dancing activities. Because, if (when) he does, I’ll say yes.

J: A December Almost-date

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been flirting with a NEW dancing guy. He’s in my classes, I see him out socially, and our West Coast Swing can’t be beat! I know that he’s interested in me. While he hadn’t asked me out…a girl can just tell…

Last night was my dance studio’s big bi-yearly show and both this new guy and I were performing. While the two of us weren’t dancing together for the actual performance, we had the chance to dance together between acts and spent the hours that we had to be there before the show, hanging out together.

The performance went pretty late and it wasn’t until after it was over that I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything all day (too worried about nerves getting the best of me!) So, as we were chatting after the event had wound down and everyone was getting ready to go, I mentioned that I was craving a big stack of pancakes and he suggested that we go get some. And, naturally,

I agreed.

Immediately!

I was thinking three things:
#1: Yay! I get to hang out with this guy and actually get to know him a little bit better.
#2: Hooray! A December date!
#3: Mmmmm….pancakes!

But, as we were finalizing our “where” a friend of ours (and fellow performer) walked up, heard us talking and invited herself along.

It was a nice meal together but a little strange. The guy and I split an omelet and pancakes, the friend got a separate dinner of her own. The guy and I sat by each other and did most of the talking, the friend was strangely silent. It truly felt like the guy and I were on a date, and the friend was there as our chaperone.

So…while #1 and #3 worked out for me, I don’t think that I can officially count this as a December date. Maybe I could consider it to be ½ a date? An almost-date? Call him Mr. Dece and hope that Mr. mber shows up too, in the next 11 days?

He DID ask.

He DID pay.

We DID get to know each other better.

There was the INTENT…it was the execution that didn’t quite work out.

S: Mr. November FTW aka Sheila is Off the Market

I have just pulled my profile off of OkCupid.

Mr. November has won.

There will be no Mr. December. I'm not even going to be cynical enough to believe there is the possibility that things with Mr. November could go down in flames before the end of the month.

I may have thrown up on a few of the loop-the-loops, but the thrills were worth the ride. I'm back on the roller coaster.

And I can promise you already that this one will have far fewer scary drops.

I guess I have to turn in my Spinster card again.

With a GIANT smile on my face.

J: Yoo-hoo…Mr. December???

Will there be a Mr. December? I’m thinking maybe not.

With the big holiday and the general stress and emotion around being alone that all of us singles feel, I don’t know how many guys are really looking for a first date this month.

Also, with my switch over to eHarmony, things have slowed waaaaay down. Mainly because of their torturous “guided communication” process where you have to go through 5 million different stages of communication before you can actually email back and forth and get a feeling for who the guy really is…as well as show a bit of personality, yourself.

I’ve had over 170 “matches” so far and not one of them has gotten to that “open communication” stage.

Granted, I haven’t actually begun communication with even a fraction of those 170 matches.

Most of them are awful. Terrible. At least from their profile…(or honestly…from their pictures.) But, I’m still trying to keep moving forward with those that I’ve started the process with…and I’ll keep trying.

But, realistically…finding a Mr. December via the eHarmony route isn’t looking all that promising.

I have been flirty with a guy that I’ve been dancing with lately. We were chatting about facebook and at one point he said “didn’t we talk about this already” and I said “We don’t really talk, we yell” (in reference to the fact that we only talk when we’re dancing because when we’re around each other, it’s always in a dancing setting) and THEN I threw out the “we should go to dinner or something…I want to hear your story” comment (yes…one that I’ve been planning for a week or so) and he immediately agreed with me but then we both were distracted and the conversation didn't go any further.

So, now, we’ll see if he takes the bait. I’ve put my neck out a bit…it’s his turn to take it the rest of the way. If he does…great! If not…oh well, I guess.

Because, honestly, I’m not all that worried about actually finding a December. While I’ve hit every single other month of this challenge, I’m not feeling a driving need to claim a December date. For the year, I’ve gone out with 13 guys already. Isn’t a good baker’s dozen enough?

Obviously, I’m not going to say no if the new dancing guy actually asks me out for coffee. And I’ll keep working that dismal eHarmony scene.

But, if I just don’t find anyone worthy of the title of “Mr. December"…I’m thinking that I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

S: Living in the Recent Past

I don't care what any of the calendars say...in Sheila's World, it is still very much November.

Mr. November, that is.

After two official dates and four extra-curricular get togethers, Mr. November is beginning to look a whole lot like trouble.

I want to move slowly, but definitely in a forward trajectory. I am rather curious about the potential of this guy. I'm really not sure how he got thrown back in the bin.

Nor am I sure where he is in that healing process. I am acutely aware of the danger of this situation.

And acutely excited about it.

But now we have reached the point when it's time to tell stories. We have plans every night this weekend. One of them really needs to involve some "ok, time to let the real shit out" talking. Time to find out where the cracks in the marble are.

And time to find out if I'm going to let the last month of this little experiment pass without trying to get a date. So far I don't care to communicate with another guy. None of them make me laugh like he does. None of them treat me with respect like he does. None of them have crushes on my cats like he does.

And none of them keep my hands warm and my face smiley.

Trouble, I tell you. Trouble.

J: This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to somebody special

Lately, I’ve been feeling all sorts of sorry for my single self.

It’s Christmas again, a YEAR after this experiment started and I’m still alone!

I’ve been seriously grumpy, disappointed, and dreading this entire month.

Ask around! Everyone will tell you that basically, I’ve been the definition of "Bah Humbug".

But, on Sunday I went to church and the pastor spoke directly to me. He said that you see what you focus your sights on. The perfect example that he gave was car shopping. Once you start thinking about the car that you want, all of a sudden there are thousands of that exact car (in the exact color you want) out on the road. They’re EVERYWHERE!

I realized that I’ve been focusing on the one big rejection I got this year, which has made me blind to the fact that acceptance is all around me.

I’m surrounded by it!

I haven’t missed a single month of this challenge. I got the vacation fling I hoped for. Mr. October would do anything to get a call back from me telling him that I wanted a relationship. Mr. November probably would too. The guy I met out dancing the other night would definitely have asked me out if I had given him even a half of a chance.

And all I see is rejection?

All I see is a holiday month ahead of me, filled with loneliness?

Not only do I have the potential for love (albeit with guys I’m not interested in), I’ve been overlooking the fact that I actually already have love.

I have people who love me. I have friends who truly want me to spend Christmas with them & their families. They want me there to share the season, their traditions, their joy. They truly care about me…whether I’m happy or sad…at my best or my worst…they LOVE me.

The way to make it through this Christmas is not to be sad and depressed that I’m all alone. The way to not only survive but also truly enjoy and appreciate this year’s holiday is to focus on the love that I already have around me instead of focusing on the lack of romantic “love” that promises big but never truly delivers.

Plus, I can focus on appreciating being single for another year, and the best benefit of all: no inlaws!!!