S: The New Now

Today marks 2 months. For the first time, it actually feels like it's been a while and it didn't just happen yesterday.

I was thinking I would send him a message today. You know, to highlight the occasion. But I have nothing to say. I would respond if reached out to, but I can't think of anything I want to tell him.

So I remain silent.

And he doesn't seem to miss me.

And I seem to miss him less.

He's fading.

This is the passage of time I was anxious for. And keeping my distance has helped.

As has Potential Mr. October.

I guess the only thing to do is keep moving forward. And see what the world looks like at the 3 month mark.

Go, Time...go.

S: Maybe a Mr. October...ctd.

My potential Mr. October continues to be cute and sweet and interesting.

And he's THIS close to arranging a date. He keeps asking about what I like to do and eat and then randomly giving me insight into his schedule.

Let's make it happen, Octy. I don't want to sweat it 'til the end.

Yesterday he sent me his digits, which I utilized to set off a nice day of exchanging text messages. You know how Sheila loves her texting.

Our digital conversation was so engaging that he almost made me forget that today is the two month mark.

Until he texted something complimentary and sounded just like Guy. And it made me cry a little bit. Because it was so sweet. And it wasn't coming from the right male of the species.

It feels weird to be remotely interested in someone else. Even at this early "I'm just curious" stage. I kind of feel like I'm cheating on Guy. Like I'm supposed to be holding out for him to change his mind. Like I'm supposed to believe that there really isn't someone else out there who could be good for me. That if I move on, I'll be destroying something. I'll be officially closing the door on Guy and Sheila.

It's almost like I want someone to call him and tell him he really is about to lose me, so if he's going to come to any kind of realization, now's the time. Because it feels like it would be kind of sad to move on.

But that's ridiculous. And I know it.

I'm not saying that this October guy is going to turn into anything. That's not where I am right now. But he does make it possible for the "ding ding" of a new text from someone other than Guy to illicit a cheesy grin. And he makes it seem possible to imagine a non-Guy guy being satisfactory. He also makes it seem possible that someone super hot other than Guy could actually find me desirable.

I guess for the first time it feels like the car really isn't going to turn around. Perhaps my head and heart are finally starting to communicate again.

J: Yours, Mine, Ours

I don’t know how to do this.

I have lots of practice with dating but very little practice with actual relationships.

Okay… yeah…I was married for five years… but that was seven years ago! I’ve been single much longer than I was ever married. Besides, don’t they say, that in 7 years the body completely regenerates itself? That your cells remake themselves completely after 7 years? Seven years is a long long time.

In this relationship, (because, yes, I am giving us that 'relationship' label) I’m just not sure exactly how to just be.

I freak out on Monday morning after spending the entire weekend with him, when I look back and think that it might have been a little bit too much. But during the weekend I don’t want to be anywhere else…I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

There’s “Yours”. There’s “Mine”. And there’s “Ours”.

I had the “mine” figured out. I was happy and completely comfortable with the “mine”. I liked the “mine.” But at this point, I’d much, much rather have the “ours”. And it scares me that I would even consider that as a choice.

I know that the “yours” is important too. I know that I can’t crowd or smother or take away too much of the “yours” but…really…I just want more and more of that delicious “ours” and I want him to want it too.

How much of the “yours” can I claim and how much of the “mine” can I give up before we both lose that something that makes the “ours” so magical?

Can I tell him how I’m feeling about this without ending up sounding desperately needy?

Can I even allow myself to be vulnerable enough with him to admit that I’m feeling just a little bit lost and freaked out about all of this?

He’s the one who brought up the “we need to slow down” discussion. Buuuuuut, he’s the one calling me his ‘girlfriend’. He’s the one talking about Christmas. He’s the one who offered me a DRAWER in his bedroom this weekend.

Help! What do I do? Let it ride? Keep doing what I’m doing? Stifle my crazy a little bit longer? Not let on that this whole thing is making me a bit nutzo?

Or…can I open that crazy box lid just a little? Can I trust him with this discussion? Would sharing THIS be “too fast”? Is THIS expecting too much too quickly?

Errrrgggg…single is easy. Dating is hard. Relationships...whew...relationships seem impossibly challenging right now.

S: Maybe a Mr. October

I have pretty much decided that I'm not going to chase after a Mr. October. This dating thing is just way too hard still. All it does is remind me that I'm not with the person I want to be with. This fact is easy to ignore when I'm focused on other aspects of my life, but as soon as I have to think about dating, it's all back in the front of my mind.

BUT, if a Mr. October just happened to fall in my lap...woohoo! Wouldn't that be good times? Mr. October right there in my lap. Especially if it happened to be the hunk of love I am now exchanging messages with online.

His first message to me arrived with no profile information and no pic. The message was flattering, but generic and requested I email him and he'd send a photo if I was interested. Feeling a bit on the snarky side that evening, I sent him a snappy little message back explaining that I was curious because he did not seem to exist and I was pretty sure he was just trying to get my email address so he could sell me discount pharmaceuticals and toner cartridges. I told him I was covered in the pharma and toner department but if he could convince me he was real, we could see what might happen.

I figured I wouldn't hear back from him. My sassypants usually keep out the riffraff.

He bit. He responded that he did exist but that he was shy about putting a bunch of information online. He told me a little more about himself and said some more complimentary things about me. More specific compliments. Including about my hair.

And we all know what a sucker I am if a person likes my hair.

Before I had a chance to compose a reply, I received another message from him saying he was filling out his profile so I would believe he existed. Which just made him seem more cute. Like he was actually trying to earn my interest and not just looking for an easy target.

O.k., at this point, I will admit that he does fit the profile of the online player my male friend warned me about. Seems sort of shy and awkward, but is really just faking it as a way of being smooth. But what do I care? I just need someone to ask me to go get a coffee. I'm not going home with him. He can be a player if he wants to be. Doesn't matter to me. If he's playing, he'll get bored with me quickly anyway.

I checked out what he had done to make me believe in him. The newly added photos helped pique my interest. (Somebody works out.) And his profile seemed fine enough. He does a good job of making himself sound like a good guy, while not seeming to be trying too hard. He also seems like a very busy guy. He's got kids and I get the impression they spend most of their time with him, so he's not free a lot in the evenings or on the weekends. This is certainly fine with me as I don't really feel like getting involved with anyone at this point. I need a date, not a mate.

So he's cute. He thinks I'm pretty. He likes my hair. He can put up with my attitude. And he pretends to be surprised that I'm even communicating with him at all. Sounds like a perfectly good Mr. October to me.

Now I just have to keep him messaging until he suggests we meet. I'm not sure how long this will take, but the month is young. If I can get a coffee date out of him, the $4 I spend on a latte will definitely be a better investment than the $10 I was intending to pay the piggy. And I bet his conversation is better than the piggy's too.

Hopefully.

J: He liiiiiikes me!

It’s true.

We had a fabulous date last night. (Truly, a DATE…all of that...it wasn't just a line!)

He picked me up from dance classes and took me out for a very, very expensive dinner downtown, bottle of champagne, fabulous dessert (Basil ice cream?!?…Serious yum, people!) and fascinating conversation followed by singing at the top of our lungs in a piano bar and a delicious makeout session…which led to…more… including a sleepless night and exhausted but ridiculously smiley day.

I like this man.

He likes me.

We’re still “taking it slow”…whatever that means.

If “slow” is more dates like last night…I’ll take it!

S: Mr. September...Still Meh

Lunch was had.

The post could pretty much end there...that's how special it was. But who am I to be concise?

With little enthusiasm, but the determination to give the guy a solid second chance, I met Mr. September at the appointed lunch spot. He went for a hug and I did the sort of arm around, half hug thing. I just don't want to hug the guy.

The place was crowded and I noticed a local joint across the street that he had to try if he had never had their food before, so I asked if he wanted to relocate. He was up for it, so off we went. We had to hop in our cars to cross the busy, suburban commercial district street.

It is a this time that I notice we drive the same kind of car. Yet another thing in common. Why do I have no interest in this person?

We got there, he noticed we drive the same car and seemed delighted by the commonality. I’m thinking, “Crap, he thinks we have all this stuff in common, so this thing is really working.” We made our stuff-in-common commentary and went inside to feed our faces.

He immediately indicated that lunch was on him, which again I thought was very kind. As much as I appreciate chivalry, I still don’t find myself expecting a guy to pay every time. It’s nice when he does. It indicates a level of good treatment that is attractive, no matter the situation.

We got our food and sat down to munch on local deliciousness and work on some chit chat. And that’s what it was…work. Once again, it just felt a little awkward. We have a lot in common, yet our conversation doesn’t flow. We don’t seem to really connect. It was like having lunch with someone you are interviewing for a job with.

I keep wondering why the messages from him were so cute and entertaining, but talking to him is awkward and stunted and uninteresting. What I have realized is that the conversation isn't much different from an email. Paragraph. pause. Paragraph. pause. Paragraph...you get it. No flow. No back and forth exchange. Toss it up...knock it down. Pause for reload.

The whole date just wasn’t that great. In fact, thinking it had been more than an hour and that I needed to get on with my day’s activities, I checked my phone and made noises about needing to leave only to realize it hadn’t even been an hour. I just didn’t feel like staying. I wasn’t engaged.

With my last two boyfriends, the dates always went on forever. Even though we didn’t have all this stuff in common, the conversations would be so engaging that it was hard to end the evening. With this guy, every lull is an opportunity to start gnawing my leg off where it’s caught in the trap.

Finally, I said that I really had to go. I did have some things I needed to accomplish, so it wasn’t a lie. We made our way outside and then stood and talked some more. Because he wouldn’t just go.

At some point he had asked about my plans for the weekend. Halfway through telling him I didn’t have much on the calendar, I realized he was fishing for my availability, so I started going into all the things on my 'to do' list. And, in all reality, there is a lot I need to get done this weekend, so again, no lie.

At my car he asked about seeing a movie if I had some time over the weekend.

Dammit!

I told him I wasn’t sure. That it all depended on some things I was trying to get worked out today that I needed to focus on if I couldn’t get them figured out. He recovered by saying that he would probably lose track of the weekend doing yard work.

And then, after a bit more awkward conversation, he went for the hug again. Ugh. This time he held on and did the extra squeeze thing.

O.k., seriously, what is this guy feeling? Do these encounters not feel awkward to him? Does this actually seem to be going well in his mind? Because, no kidding, I…feel…nothing. If I never saw or heard from him again, I would not be disappointed. Not that he’s a repulsive person, but there’s just nothing between us.

And now, the new challenge is that we have reached the point at which I need to tell him nothing’s going to happen. Later in the afternoon after lunch, he texted asking if I wanted to go see a show next week. I asked if I could get back to him.

The deal is, I can’t let him buy me a ticket to a show…no matter how much I would love to go…because I know I don’t want to go with him and it’s way too much for him to spend on me for no reason.

So I have to strap on a pair and call him and tell him this is the end of the road. Which sucks. But I can’t lead him on. That’s not fair.

Besides, as Jane so astutely pointed out to me, if he’s already going for the hug, the next thing on his list is a kiss.

Noooooooo!

So long, Mr. September.

Why am I doing this again? When can I crawl back under my spinster rock?

S: Mr. September...Take 2

I'm giving Mr. September another chance. Mostly because he asked if I wanted to get lunch and lunch is one of my 6 favorite meals, so how could I resist?

Actually, I figure he deserves another chance. We have a lot in common, and his messages and texts make me giggle. You would think there would be something there. Right? Seriously, on paper, it should be the most fun ever.

Too bad I'm dead inside.

O.k., it's possible I'm being a tad melodramatic.

But really, I'm not sure how it will go. Despite the fun messages, the first get together lacked sparkle and felt awkward. But it was late. I was tired and distracted by the delicious street vendor food. Maybe this time we'll connect. Maybe the chain restaurant food will not be more interesting than the kind fellow providing it. Maybe the conversation won't feel so forced and on the surface.

Or maybe it will and we won't connect again. No biggee. I recall wanting to play the field a bit at the beginning of this year. Here's my chance. I'm going on a date. I can't play the field if that date turns into a game of Life with us cruising the board in a pink car with 2.5 kids and a dog. That just doesn't even sound fun.

Of course, it's not a Date Club sanctioned date, so I'll have to go on another one this month if I don't want to feed the piggy. And that might take some work. I haven't wanted to try too hard lately. And pickin's be slim on the Cupe.

Wait a minute. It seems as though my Date Club fembuds both have guys who aren't stupid and who do call them back and say they don't want to be broken up, which means I will end up with the contents of Sir Piggy all to myself. So maybe I do want to skip dates and load him up.

Maybe Mr. October will be a frozen pizza and a bottle of wine and a stack of ridiculous come-ons from my Ok Cupid inbox. And piggy will get a little bit fatter for ol' Sheila.

As I thought from the beginning...I shall be the last dater standing. Muahahahahaha!

(Anyone who accuses me of throwing the game will get a big giant boohoo story about my broken heart and how I will never love again. Try me. I'm gonna get me some shoe money.)