S: Wake Up to a Break Up?

This weekend has not been that great. I have spent most of it worried that Guy is going to break up with me.

On Friday evening, we went for a long bike ride with a couple of people he works with. At some point, he said something to me that I took wrong, which hurt my feelings, so I hung back for a bit. I tried to move on, but I could tell at our halfway stop that he was frustrated with me.

Then, on the way back, he seemingly committed a slight biker foul, which bugged me, so I was once again in a funk. And by the time we stopped at our usual watering hole, he was beyond frustrated with me.

I tried to say something about the foul and he had a defensive reply, so I dropped it, not wanting to argue with him. And then I tried to just let it go and have a pleasant time with our friends and our beverages. He was too frustrated for that. He even went so far as to scoot his chair away from mine and then didn’t speak to me.

When we got home he asked me what all that was about. I explained my side and he got mad. He was frustrated that I had been offended by what he said, saying that I always thought the worst and he hadn’t meant anything bad by it. He wondered if I was punishing him for not taking me to the lake with him and his son (now who's thinking the worst?). Then he said he feels like he can’t say anything to me anymore without me getting upset and how he doesn’t want to walk on egg shells.

I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to walk on egg shells and I apologized for misunderstanding.

He was also angry because I had ruined his evening. He had a rough week at work and was looking forward to a nice ride and some time with me and I ruined that by getting upset.

Again, I apologized.

He said the same thing had happened Wednesday…that I had gotten mad at him over some thing he said that he didn’t mean anything by and subsequently ruined the ride.

I recall him saying something that made me feel bad about the way I was riding, but I was never mad at him. He had said that night that I was quiet, but there wasn’t any reason for me to be quiet, I was just tired from the extra long ride.

Anyway, I asked several times what I could do to salvage the evening and make it right and his only response was that making it right would have been for it not to have happened at all.

To which I replied that I could not go back in time.

I wanted to just leave, but I didn’t think that would help. But I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what he wanted me to do and he wouldn’t tell me.

We went around a couple more times, but I could never get him to a solution, so finally we dropped it and watched a movie while we ate our usual post-ride pasta. (Well, I nibbled at it, not really having much of an appetite at this point.)

When we went to bed I asked him if he would just let me know when everything was ok and he wasn’t mad anymore and he said he wasn’t, but it was a very quiet evening in the bedroom.

The next morning, he had to get up and pack his things to take his son to his friends’ lake house for the long weekend. He got out of bed without a word to me. I stayed around to eat breakfast with him (he kept saying I could eat when I wanted to, but I waited for him). We ate and then I had nothing left to do but go.

As I was leaving, I stopped to give him a kiss, tell him I loved him and to have a good weekend. He said he loved me too and then we stood there not knowing what to say and he said he hadn’t slept much the night before. Then he began to make the sounds that have me worried that he’s getting ready to cut me loose.

He said he hadn’t slept. Then he said he didn’t want us to have drama and I always seem to be finding drama where there is none…or finding reasons to be upset. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship where he has to walk on egg shells and worry about everything he says. He also said that things are tough at work and he doesn’t need things to be going badly in his relationship too.

He just kept saying, “I don’t want to be in a relationship that…”

He rehashed everything from the night before and I re-apologized. I didn’t know what else to do.

Finally, it was getting late and he needed to finish packing, so I left. I popped my head back in the door and told him that I would wait to hear from him, leaving the ball in his court. I want to see him, but it’s up to him to decide if he wants to see me.

The question that was on my mind was, “Are you breaking up with me?” But I didn’t have the guts to ask it. I didn’t want to know.

I sat in the garage and fell apart a little bit, but then decided I better leave before he came out and found me there. I think he finally opened the door as I had backed out and was closing the garage door.

It was a long drive home. And probably quite a show for those driving around me.

I just couldn’t help thinking that he brought that stuff up as I was leaving, said he hadn’t slept much and kept saying “I don’t want to be in a relationship that…” because he was thinking about breaking up and didn’t want me to spend the weekend with the wrong idea about where we are in all this. I really think he spent the night thinking about breaking up with me and that’s what he was trying to tell me.

I am so not ready for us to be over. I just think we have so much that is great, that it’s worth a few miscommunications once in a while. He’s the one who told me months ago that it wasn’t always going to be perfect.

So how can he get so upset when it isn’t?

I spent Saturday in a very bad place. I didn’t hear from him all day. And, it was hard to do, but I didn’t send him a message all day either. I started to a few times, but stopped myself. I was not going to be first. I told him I’d wait to hear from him, so I had to keep silent until he reached out.

I wasn’t really expecting to hear from him during the day. He was at the lake, so they were probably busy. I figured if I was going to hear anything from him, it was going to be in the evening after his son went to bed. And even then, he’d be hanging out with his friends, so I still might not hear until later.

If I heard anything at all.

I decided to head out to hang with some friends later that evening and as I was getting ready to go, I got a message. Just a short text from Guy asking what I had done that day and saying they had just gotten back from fireworks.

I was actually quite surprised to hear from him. And pleased. He was thinking about me. And not bad thoughts, but innocuous, run-of-the-mill, just like any other weekend away thoughts. This was a good sign.

I responded, but didn’t hear anything more. I also sent an email, just in case the texts didn’t go through (we have a bad track record) and ended it with “I miss you.”

Then I didn’t hear anything all day Sunday. But, by Sunday, I had a long list of things to do and my friends wanted me to come back and hang with them, so I was pretty busy.

Pretty busy realizing that life would go on without Guy, if he decided he didn’t want to “be in a relationship that…”

I still wasn’t in a place where that’s what I want him to decide, but I had a whole day laid out in front of me that would happen without him in it. So it became possible to see beyond.

As I was getting ready to head out for a concert, I heard from him. Another brief text about the day, to which I responded, but heard nothing more.

Another good sign, though. He’s thinking about me and sending me a text when he can. That says something. It says he hasn’t written me off, and hopefully it says he hasn’t been there bashing me with his friends, talking himself into ending it.

But I still wasn’t sure if the messages were just meant to be polite. He never reciprocated with an “I miss you.” And there wasn’t any love in the texts. Just a quick assessment of the day. So the signal is still a bit mixed. Is he just being nice and fulfilling some communication obligation since we are still together, knowing full well he's breaking up with me when he gets home? Or has he been thinking about me just like he would any other time?

Oh well, I was ready to have some fun. And to look good doing it. So that’s what I did.

The concert was a blast. I have not gotten to spend nearly enough quality time with my friends, so it was good to be able to just hang and not have anywhere to run off to. We got rained on, we got buzzed, we got treated to a good show. There were many laughs and much fun.

And it was then that I decided that if he wants to break up, fine, I would manage to enjoy life without him. And maybe that would give someone else the opportunity to enjoy life with me.

I sent him a pic of the mass of people and rain at the show and told him that was what I was up to. Then, later, back at my friend’s apartment, I took a pic of wet me and sent it to him saying that’s what I looked like after a rainy show.

AND...he responded. I was shocked. He asked what I had been up to. I told him and he said I should have fun and be safe. Then he said “Good night, beautiful!” Which is classic, old school Guy.

Like, nothing has changed, everything is normal, Guy.

Then, he texted more saying he was trying to sleep but his son was kicking. And that he preferred sleeping with me. And, finally, he said that he missed me.

Ok, this is starting to sound like someone who has gotten over it.

This made my evening.

Although, he better watch out. He gave me two days to get over him. He may find, if he wants to go around again, that I just throw in the towel. I’m not so scared of the end any more.

They come back today. I expect to spend the evening at his place, but no plans have been made. The only thing that I have heard beyond last night was a text asking if I had made it home. I replied that I had and have not heard anything else. I’m sure they are busy getting in the last hours at the lake before heading home.

I’d love to be invited over to share dinner. But the weekend was about quality time with his son, so it’s more likely that I’ll end up over there later, after he’s asleep.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. We should probably address the way things were left, but I can’t get a good read on where he is with all of this. I have no idea what to expect when I see him. I have no idea how I will feel or what he will say.

When searching through old posts to link up to a past reference, I found some entries in which I wondered if he was finding things to fight about on purpose and searching out reasons for us to not be together. I was reminded of a conversation in which he stated he was just waiting for me to get fed up with him and leave.

Here he is accusing me of these things that he was doing himself. And when he was doing these things, did I break up with him? No. I understood. I saw the value in what we had and I held on and tried harder to show him I wasn’t going anywhere.

Hopefully he’ll choose to do the same.

Because I’m definitely not ready for this to be over.

But if he chooses differently…

I’ll be fine.

I’ll put my $10 in the piggy bank and get back in the game.

But this time I’ll leave the wall up. A spinster knows better.

Even so, I’m still hoping for a happy ending today. In every sense of the phrase.

We'll see.

S: Visiting Margaritaville

I made an allusion to this in my birthday update, so it’s clear that I owe you the full story on the big Jimmy Buffett weekend. Pop some corn and set your phone to go straight to voicemail.

Or just scroll through really fast. I’ll highlight the important words for you.

Either way, get ready for:

“Searching for My Lost Shaker of Salt” or “How I Almost Ruined Buffett Weekend”

The first thing you need to understand is that I work freelance. This means:

1. I do not get to take vacation time;

2. Jobs come up randomly, no matter what plans I have;

3. I have to take jobs that come up or I have no income.

It is this list of unavoidable facts that nearly ruined Jimmy Buffett weekend. A date with Guy I had been looking forward to since March.

Big surprise, right? Based on what happened just before we were supposed to go on vacation in May, I think we were both expecting things to go awry.

And so, as is the typical fashion in Sheila’s world, a job came up at the last minute that completely interrupted our travel plans.

And I had to take it. I had no choice. New client. Good money. Work.

I let Guy know right away so we could start figuring out what to do. He was obviously frustrated, but he understood the situation. He wasn’t frustrated with me, just at the way things have to be. As was I.

We were supposed to hit the road Friday morning in order to arrive at the pre-party (which I had been told is the epitome of debauchery and not to be missed) in the afternoon. Only my job wouldn’t get done until likely 5 or 6 in the evening. Of course.

I told Guy that I would understand if he went without me, because I didn’t want to be the one to ruin his weekend…secretly hoping he would not want to go without me.

Then, later, when we finally had a chance to talk about it, the first thing he said was, “So, I assume I am going to Buffett without you.”

This I did not like. Not because I thought he was obligated to miss the weekend on my behalf, but because I didn’t want to miss the weekend. He had asked me to join him on this trip within a few weeks of us dating. I thought it was silly to plan so far ahead at the time (now we see why), but was ecstatic that he felt like we could make a date 4 months into the future.

Buffett weekend would NOT be ruined!

All along, I thought Guy would decide to wait for me and make the drive to Wisconsin late, but it became clear that he wasn’t thinking that was an option. And, really, when I thought about it, I didn’t want him to do that. I already felt badly enough about my situation messing up our weekend plans that I wasn’t about to let him miss out on anything.

We got on the phone to hash it out. He said he felt like there was no right answer for him and I understood that. He had a tough choice, so I made it for him. I insisted that he leave in the morning on Friday as planned. (He’s done this for me before when I’ve had a lose-lose choice to make. He’ll make the insistence so the choice is made for me. This is a humane and supportive technique and this time it was my turn to apply it.)

Then I decided that I would make the drive on my own after my job was finished. I knew that a long road trip after a day of working would be rather difficult, but I also knew it would be much more difficult to spend the weekend at home, knowing he was enjoying the Buffett weekend that I was having to miss.

Problem solved. He leaves with his friends in the morning and I join him later that night after my job.

The only thing left to do at that point was hope the job got done earlier than expected.

It did not.

More surprise.

It was interminable.

I hit the road, exhausted, in the early evening and began the journey, blatantly ignoring each state’s posted speed suggestions.

I can tell you right now that those Starbuck’s Doubleshot beverages are miraculous. And I’m really not a fan of Starbuck’s. I am, however, a fan of singing at the top of my lungs and bouncing off of my car’s proverbial walls.

I made good time, but was in a poopypants mood by the time I got to the hotel and was not receptive to Guy’s updates about how drunk everyone was. I just couldn’t see me showing up at a party where everyone was well past the point of no return and I had no way of catching up. Especially when I didn’t know any of them and would already feel somewhat out of place. So, after he said he would understand if I just wanted to crash at the hotel, I did the worst…I told him I wasn’t going out to the party.

He sent a sad face and I knew that wasn’t the right move. But I was grumbly and feeling anti-social, so that’s what I decided.

For about a minute.

Then I decided I should at least give it a try or I knew I would be ticked with myself in the morning. So I squeegeed the travel of my face, made myself presentable and headed out to try to find the place in the dark.

I found it and Guy was surprised to see me, having missed my final message telling him how I realized I could use a drink. I met the gang, made good impressions, had a drink and then suddenly the party was breaking up. Apparently, I was too much for the good times to take.

We went back to the hotel and proceeded to enjoy our Buffett weekend. You can use your imagination.

From then on, I was glad I had made the trip. The friends were fun, the booze was free-flowing and the concert was a blast. For a short time on the day of the show I had gone a bit too far toward oblivion. I think this ruined Guy’s tailgating experience a little, but he remained patient and poured a bunch of water in me to pull me back so I could rally for the show. Which I did, so the rest of the night was a great time.

And I managed to get through the whole weekend without showing my boobs. I was told this was highly unlikely, and was regularly prodded by my incorrigible date, so I’m not sure how I managed it.

Guy got no end of crap from everyone for leaving me behind on Friday and he did feel guilty about it. I told him he shouldn’t since I pretty much made him leave on Friday morning, but still, he did. He said he even waited for a while before he started really enjoying himself on Friday, but then I made him assure me he had the best time ever, because I did not want my solo flight to be in vain.

We ended up having a great weekend. And we got to have our time together in the car on the way home. In previous weeks I had visions of starting long conversations about things we should maybe discuss but usually tend to avoid, but I didn’t want to spoil the fun we had with the realities that lie on the path ahead of us.

Those were bridges we didn’t need to cross on this road trip.

All in all, disaster was averted and Buffett weekend turned out to be a fantastic time for both of us. I can’t wait for next year.

S: Forgetting My Mojo

Guy sort of called me out for regularly questioning why he's with me. Apparently I've been doing that (not in so many words, but the gist is there) a lot lately...mostly without realizing it.

This is not good. This seems poisonous. This needs to stop.

Seriously, what if I bring this up enough times that he starts to wonder himself? That would be bad.

So I wondered what has these thoughts in my head. Why have I lost my mojo when it comes to Guy? Why don't I know what it is that makes him want to be with me?

Part of it is my own issues. I've never felt worthy of anyone. And I think I'm such a weirdo that I don't know how anyone can really spend their time with me. Except that I sometimes say funny things. And I have good hair.

But I also think he doesn't tell me what he likes about me as much anymore. Early on there was a lot of talk of why he was interested in me and what made him want to go out with me and that seems to have subsided. Which, I suppose, stands to reason as things progress.

Except I miss it.

I guess I need validation.

I shouldn't need validation.

So I'm going to get over myself. Instead of worrying about what Guy loves about me, I'm going to focus on what I love about him. I'm going to validate him. Doing that should not allow time or mind space for me to wonder about his feelings for me.

Instead of being concerned about how he reacts to me when I see him or communicate with him, I'm going to pay attention to how I react to him. What choice will he have when I greet him excitedly upon arrival but to respond in kind? I shouldn't waste time questioning why he doesn't come to the door, I should spend the time making him want to come to the door.

Introspective is not interesting or enticing. He's not interested in my interest in me, he's interested in my interest in him. And I know this because this is how I feel. If my desire is for his focus to be on me, then my focus should be on him.

And then, maybe that will inspire reciprocity. Even just subconsciously. If I make the environment one of compliments and pleasure in the other person and "that's something I love about you"s, then that is what I will find myself surrounded by. Yes?

Who knows? I don't. But, if nothing else, I'm sure making him feel good will just make him want to be with me even more. I mean, who wouldn't want to be with someone who loves them for everything they are?

And any time I can find a way to get over myself and focus on someone else is always a bonus.

So no more worrying about what he's thinking about me. If I find myself having these thoughts, I will replace them with thoughts about what I think of him.

Besides, I know what he's thinking about me...he's thinking I'm fabulous. And hot.

J: Someone for everyone

I just finished the book “Julie & Julia” and then re-watched the move.

Julia Child was large and loud and 37 years old when she got married.

When she first met Paul, he barely noticed her. Somehow, over time, he saw the beauty…the joie de vivre that just seemed to flow off of her. I wonder what she went through, as she waited for him to come around to the realization of how fabulous she really was.

Did she feel that longing for him when they first met or by that point had she completely given up hope of having a relationship, kids….love.

Was she surprised and thrilled when he finally...finally really SAW her?

Or, on the flip side, when things moved from friendship to courtship, did she feel like she was the one settling? Afterall, he was shorter than her…and bald…and 10 years her senior.

No matter. It all worked out in the end. They found real love.

She was a loving, adventurous, giving & caring wife who brought joy and excitement into every day they had together. He was kind and supportive and exactly the type of person that she needed by her side to become a huge success in life. Each of them was truly cherished & wholly valued by the other one. They loved each other for the rest of their days.

And isn’t that all that any of us are really looking for?

J: Canoe vs. Kayak

My Dad came into town to visit me for the week. It was wonderful having him here and while I cherished the bonding time that a whole week of Daddy/Daughter time provided, it became very clear to me that at this point, I have fully embraced the single life.

For me, this week was an exercise in thinking in “Two’s”, something that I haven’t done in a very long time.

For seven years now, I have lived on my own. Yes, I’ve always had dogs, but dogs don’t feel cheated when one “cup” of coffee drains the entire coffee pot. Dogs don’t think it’s lame if the dinner plan is nothing more than a bowl of cereal. Dogs also don’t double the number of dishes that need to be done or have preferences regarding television shows or brands of ice cream. You also don’t have to tip toe around dogs in the morning, hoping not to wake them up.

But dogs also don’t fix all the squeaky hinges in the house, replace the light bulbs, hang pictures or put up new fences. I found that despite being out of the habit of “two’s”, I wouldn’t have traded this visit or the time with my Dad for anything!

I know that my mom has always made sure that his every need is met before he can even realize that there IS a need. While I realize that I can never really keep up with Mom’s level of attention, my hope is that he didn’t feel neglected by my fumbling attempts to overcome my one-ness for the week.

One of the most telling illustration of my single-ness happened when we decided to go for a paddle on a local lake. The question was whether we’d share a canoe or get individual kayaks.

In a kayak, you choose your own speed, you choose your own direction. You have no one to blame, but yourself, if you end up in the lake instead of floating on it.

In a canoe, (especially if you’re the person in the front) you’re completely dependent on the other person for movement in any specific direction. And no matter how hard you paddle by yourself, if you want to move quickly, you have to work together to move forward…or backward, if the situation requires (i.e. a little too close to the trees on the shore & the spider webs danglinging from them--eek!)

I’m sure you can probably guess which boat I would have preferred. But, in deference to Dad’s desire to bring along his good (and quite expensive) camera to get some good pictures, and to reduce the risk of said camera taking an unfortunate dunk, we went with the canoe.

Granted, there was a scary moment in the beginning when we were just a breath away from putting those lifejackets to their intended use…but in the end, what I really noticed was the great conversation that the canoe invited. I also noticed that the same route that on previous occasions had taken 30 minutes in a kayak, took just 15 minutes in a canoe.

So, now that my eyes have been opened to the fact that my natural inclination is for kayaks…and now that I’ve also seen that there are huge benefits to canoes, what does that mean in real life?

It tells me that I have some major control issues. So, what do I need to do to become more ‘relationship friendly’? How can I learn to really want to be part of a two in everyday life?

Is all this desire for a relationship something that in actuality, I wouldn’t know what to do with if it came along?

Scary!

Is this why I can’t find a real relationship…because I’m not really really ready? What will it take to BE ready? Isn’t it normal, after 7 years of singlehood to be comfortable with a solitary life…and yet yearn for more? Isn’t it normal, after 7 years of singlehood to be comfortable with my way of life and with the fact that I am independent and managing my life very well thankyaverymuch?

I guess the scary part is that as the years go by, it’s not getting any easier. I’m becoming more and more set in my ways…more comfortable with cooking for one and going to bed when I want to and complete control of the television remote and managing my own schedule and minding my own budget and only having myself to blame when my house is a mess.

I am becoming more comfortable paddling at my own speed in my own direction. And maybe that’s okay.

But maybe it also means that I just need to be aware of the fact that it might be all the more challenging to find that lifelong love. That I’m going to just have to be more patient. And also, that whoever he is…he’s going to have to be pretty darn special before I hand over my heart and give up my full independence & the very fulfilling single life that I’ve built for myself.

S: Un-Birthday Update

All is right with us as far as birthdays are concerned.

It’s now just a funny story and part of our mutual history.

Guy continues to feel bad about having the date wrong, but it really doesn’t bother me. He was merely thinking it was on a different day. It happens.

Of course, he won’t let himself live it down. In fact, he keeps telling people what he did so they can tell him what a jerk he is. Which they do. (One of his friends did commend him on his genius move…setting the bar low for next year.)

I defend him fiercely.

He’s no jerk.

To make up for the day, he took me out for a very tasty sushi dinner the next evening. And then bought me delicious birthday ice cream (as I had done for him on his birthday). His son was with us and that cut the evening short, until I went to his place later, but we had a great night together all the same. And it was sweet that he wanted to do something he knew I would enjoy. Especially since sushi is something special we share, as he had never tried it before dating me.

I know you’re probably wondering about a gift, but you must remember that in May he paid for me to take a fantastic, albeit short, vacation in Florida. At the time I made him make it my birthday gift because it was a lot of money to spend on me. And I told him not to get me anything else. So no gift was expected or warranted.

He has more than made up for his minor mistake. He does so many sweet and thoughtful things for me that I find it difficult to hold small errors over his head. Besides, he’s just too hot to be mad at.

And my job just ruined Jimmy Buffett weekend, so it’s my turn to hop on the profuse apology wagon.

S: Guy in a Tie

Just read a great post about our gentleman friends and how they dress over at one of my favorite blogs: My Flirty 30s, The Lively Times of Leaza (get into her here).

You should read it. It's spot on. (Elle, you *have* to read it because you would so relate). Do the click thing here to catch up and then come back here for the rest of the story.

Leaza's delightful post inspired me to blather on about some of Guy's fashion choices. Mostly because anything about men makes me think of him. And this blog is my safe place to go on and on about him so my friends don't start throwing office supplies at me.

I really have no problems with the way he dresses. He always looks good, even in just his undies. (O.k., especially in just his undies.) I did have to talk him into buying smaller shirts when we started dating. This man has a fantastic body and he needs to show it off, not hide it in bulky, tent-like XLs.

What fun is it to have a hottie on your arm if you aren't having to fight off the other women? And unbelievable arms, shoulders and abs must be shared with the world.

Anyway, my favorite thing about the way Guy dresses is when he decides it's tie day at work. Nothing beats him in slacks, a dress shirt and a tie. And he has these extra long dress socks that go over his calves. O...M...G...socks should not be that sexy. Sometimes he's late on tie day.

My only complaint is that I don't get to see him dress like that more often. I try to find reasons for us to go somewhere fancypants, or work it out so we can do lunch on tie day, just so I can gawk at him in his Sunday best.

He looks fantastic in everything, but tie day beats cargo shorts and t-shirts every time.

Although, truth be told, I don't even notice his Keens (which apparently would drive Leaza bonkers)...because I'm too busy staring at his tush.

Thanks for a fun post, Leaza. I will now imagine Guy in his workout shorts and nothing else. Mmmmmmm...