Date of the Month Club

J: What's Next?

2011-02-06T14:50:00.006-07:00

Well…we had talked about continuing with our stories on this blog. But since I’m officially done with the challenge and both Elle & Sheila are happily tucked away with their men, it’s seeming like we’ll have less and less to write about in regards to the “Date of the Month”.

I’m still out there on the dating scene but Mr. December has made a surprising comeback!

That man has played his cards right! In mid-January he texted me letting me know that so far, he pretty much likes everything about me and that he wanted to take me out on a serious date.

And, (surprisingly) instead of freaking me out, his text made me smile.

So we had a ‘real’ date: a seriously fancy dinner (hands down, the nicest I’ve ever had) and then some seriously hokey country dancing. We hit both ends of the social spectrum…and I couldn’t have had more fun. Our next date is set for tomorrow and already I’m looking forward to seeing him again and can’t wait to show him around my neck of the woods.

The thing is…I’m just so comfortable around this guy. We can (and have) talked for hours about everything from sushi to religion. I was a bit worried about the friend-to-potential-boyfriend transition. But so far, it’s gone quite well. And thankfully, he’s taking this very slowly. Since I learned my lesson about rushing last year, I’m extremely appreciative about that…but also a bit impatient. Which is delicious. (Again…another sign that he’s playing this game the right way.)

If you would like to keep following my story, check out the blog that I’ll be participating in this year with a new group of ladies. We’re calling it “Well, you know how women are…” and we’ll be covering a range of topics from general themes like “love” (this month) to more ummm…touchy issues (like last month’s “What do you do if you walk in on your son/husband looking at porn.”) We’d love to have you join the dialogue. You can find us here.

Thanks, again, to everyone who’s been reading! It was without a doubt, a year I will never forget!

E: So Happy Together

2011-02-01T21:01:00.003-07:00

2010....what a whirlwind year! My wrap-up is way overdue, and I hope we still have some readers out there. Nevertheless, I will re-cap. I left you hanging back in October, with my question of whether or not a Mr. October would need to be found. You see, April #3 had swept me off my feet and we had been together until September, when he got weird and decided we would be better off apart. That lasted for one whole week, after which he came to the realization that we are perfect for each other and that he would do whatever it takes to prove that to me, if I let him. So, I took some time to think about how I really feel about this man and the proposition of letting him back into my life...

My conclusion was, that I undeniably love him and always have. And I do think we are perfect for each other in so many ways. In the big ways (same outlook on religion, kids, etc) and in the little ways - the ones that seem to count the most to me. Those little ways that make me smile, give me security in the relationship, and know he's for real.

We have a compatibility, chemistry(!), and deep love that I haven't experienced in over 10 years, and quite frankly, had given up on ever finding. And let me tell you, it was worth waiting for!

Thank you, Match.com. And thank you Jane, Sheila and Date Club Challenge! I can honestly say that this challenge forced me to get out of my comfort zone and take charge of my dating life. Without it, I would not have had the urgency to get signed up with yet another online dating sight, and Mr. April #3, well, he just might not have met me. And I might still be out there going on dates with men who have boils on their back, want to whisk me away to Vegas after 2 dates, or just plain don't like me because I threw up on their shoes. xoxoxo -Elle

S: The End and Everything After

2011-01-25T10:27:00.008-07:00

The year of dating has ended, but I’m not sure I can say I completed the challenge. I only went on 5 of the 12 required dates. But it feels like I completed an entirely different challenge. I fell in love twice.

Me. The Spinster. I fell in love twice in one year. Something I wasn’t sure I was ever capable of doing again.

I suppose I get a little credit for that.

When I started this challenge a year ago, I had absolutely no interest in finding someone. I was happy to be on my own and had decided that I just wasn’t one of those people who was destined to end up with a “the one”. This didn’t bother me, it was just a fact of life.

I was doing the challenge for Jane. And for something to blog about. I had no dreams of finding a mate. I didn't even think I'd find someone who would make me want to drop out of the challenge to date for a while. I thought I would go on 12 rather unremarkable dates, if I could manage to get anyone interested enough to go out with me, and at least have a year of practicing my awkward conversation skills. I thought I'd come away with some blog material and a few amusing date stories.

Never would you have been able to make me believe I would end up falling in love…twice, let alone finding someone I can’t wait to permanently commit myself to.

I knew that at the end of the year of dates, I would not want to keep going on dates. I did not know that it would be because I had found someone who makes dating a thing of the past for me.

Overall, I’d say the challenge was a valuable experience. Yes, I got my heart broken this year because of this challenge, but that’s not the point. I had the guts to put it out there to get broken. And then I survived it. I survived it in such a big way that 1. I now feel quite sorry for the moron who broke it and 2. Having fallen in love when I thought I couldn't, I felt strong enough to get back to the challenge right away and leave myself open to fall in love again.

And this time with someone who knows himself and what he wants. Someone who knew right away that he wasn’t going to let me go. Someone who is patient enough to give me space and let the relationship progress at my pace. Someone who believes I'm worth it and who I believe is worth it. Someone who loves me because of who I am, not in spite of who I am. Someone who makes me extremely happy and who is extremely happy with me. Someone who fits me quite perfectly.

We were set up by a friend, so maybe we would have met and gone out eventually. But without the challenge, I would not have started dating again so soon after getting my heart broken. I would not have let my friend fix me up with someone just going through a divorce. I would not have tried so hard to get us on that first date.

This means we could have missed each other. We definitely would have wasted a lot of time not being together. Maybe he would even have started seeing someone else and the timing would never have worked out.

So a huge “thank you” to Jane for dragging me into this. I may have missed some heartache without it, but I would have also missed something amazing that I thought I would never find.

What I learned from this challenge is that I am one of those people who gets to have a “the one”. And that people are right about finding someone and just knowing. That it can be simple and obvious and not feel like an uphill climb or an obligation.

I know that if you stay true to yourself while being open to love, you can suddenly find yourself very very happy.

S: What Happened to December

2011-01-18T16:07:00.002-07:00

Holy Sped Up Month, Batman! Where did December go? I think I blinked and missed it. And I’m already halfway through blinking away January.

But what a good month December was. Well, there was still the usual 2010 crap, but somehow none of that matters anymore now that Mr. November is in the picture.

And he’s in the picture in a big way. For good. Which means he deserves a name. How about Joe? That’s a good, solid, man name. Very appropriate for a good, solid man. Who is not really named Joe. Or is he?

Mid-month, after a couple of weeks of official dates and extra-curricular, random, I-can’t-wait-until-Friday-to-see-you get-togethers, Joe and I had a our 3rd (and final) “just dating” date. It was a very fun night full of spontaneity and trying new things that culminated in a long and open conversation about all the baggage we aren’t supposed to talk about on dates. I needed to know where he was in his divorce healing process and he needed to hear about the things that made me trepidatious in this new relationship.

It was a perfect night and began one of those weekends during which we were never apart. We spent 2 days together, just us. We skipped social engagements. We weren’t concerned with our appearance. We stayed in. We just wanted to spend as much time as possible together. We fell in love.

My favorite picture of us came out of that weekend. It’s a perfect representation of our relationship and how it began. And nobody will ever see it. The moments were shared just between us and so should the picture be.

Here’s what I learned in December:

It doesn’t have to be difficult.

I had no idea it could be so simple and obvious. I didn’t realize that the right relationship wouldn’t have me always struggling to dig myself out of a hole or change the way I am to make it work. I had no idea that the right relationship didn’t have to feel like an obligation…what I’m “supposed” to do.

Finally I’m with someone who both matches me on paper and for whom I have feelings. And, even though the timing may have been a little off (he having JUST gotten divorced and me still getting over Guy), we both feel lucky to have fallen into this so unexpectedly.

The other update I have to provide for December has to do with closing the Guy door. I finally had to tell him that I was in a relationship and he and I were no more. The week following my weekend of Joe, Guy had a few beverages at a work party (I was warned of this by a friend who works with him…and I fully expected to hear from him that night).

Sure enough, the texts began. He was friendly and then made a request for something I could no longer provide. I responded that it wasn’t going to happen because I was seeing someone and it’s a pretty big deal. I told him he got his wish and that I had moved on.

He replied that he was happy for me and that it was his loss. He then wished me the best and said that he knew I would move on before he did. My response to this was that he knew we didn’t belong together and ended our relationship, so I believed he had moved on months ago. He said that, yes, he had ended it, but he hadn’t moved on or else he wouldn’t still be texting me.

He then told me that he had just been telling his friend that night what an idiot he was and that he had made his own bed and now had to lie in it. I replied that I didn’t want him to feel bad. He did what he had to do. He wasn’t ready and I wasn’t the right person.

At this point, I now feel like I’m helping him through this because I am completely over it. Now that I see what it can be like, I know that it wasn’t right and shouldn’t have gone on forever. And I’m glad it ended when it did so I could be available to move on.

I heard from him once more right before Christmas. He began texting under the guise of helping me clear snow off my driveway. Fortunately I had already done this, so I could honestly refuse his assistance. By this time, things had gotten serious with Joe and I wasn’t at all interested in hearing from Guy.

Eventually the messages moved to the territory of “are you home alone…no one should be home alone tonight…” This was danger and I knew it. He was feeling lonely and I was feeling sympathy. For a moment I thought about taking him a piece of homemade pie that I had, but I couldn’t even imagine trying to explain that to Joe. So I told him that I had to stay away. That things were going really well with Joe and he was too good a person for me to screw it up by putting myself in a “dangerous” situation with Guy.

He said he understood. And, because I felt bad, I apologized to him for not being able to be there for him.

I don’t know why. He gave that up months ago. He doesn’t get to have me there for him. I’m not sure why I would still feel obligated to do so. Most of the time I’m too nice.

I think he got the hint though. I thought I had been clear before and this time the message was the same. We’re done. No more text beck-and-call. No more get-togethers when one or both of us is feeling a need. It’s really over. Whether he’s ready or not.

And that feels perfectly fine to me. In fact, I almost feel silly for being so hung up on him now that I know how much better it can be.

I just didn't know.

And so, despite everything, I can’t complain about 2010. Finding Joe has been such an amazing way to end the year that I can’t remember how bad the rest of it felt. The topsy-turvy is gone and I feel settled and stable and unbelievably happy.

J: A Date! A Non-Quota Date!

2011-01-05T18:20:00.005-07:00

I. Am. SO. Excited!

I have my very first eHarmony date tomorrow and I CAN’T WAIT! This is the first time in a very very very long time that I’ve actually been this excited about a first date!

It's a whole new game!

I’m not going out with this guy just to meet a quota. Not even subconsciously. After all…there is no quota! Yay! This date is not about going out on a date because I am required to go on a date, it's not about quantity…it’s about quality. Or at least, I think he’ll be quality! I certainly HOPE he’ll be quality! Out of over 250 eHarmony matches, he’s the one that I’ve been the most intrigued by…and the most excited about.

From all that I know about him through eHarmony's fancy “guided communication” process and from our open email banter, I genuinely like him and am truly excited about meeting him in person! And with their “29 Dimensions of Compatibility” surely we’ll at least get along long enough to finish a drink or two, right?

So, tomorrow’s the big day.

Now...if only I wasn’t stuck in my uber-geeky glasses due to my upcoming Lasik surgery…and if only I wasn’t so self-conscious due to those extra 5 holiday pounds…and if only I didn’t have to meet him RIGHT after work, dressed as “Corporate Jane”.

Aaah well…I’ll just plan to suck it in, stick out my boobs, wear extra mascara and smile a whole lot…and maybe I’ll throw in a hair-flip or two.

Wish me luck peeps! I'm trying really hard not to get too excited about something that could ultimately disappoint.

But…you never know, right? It’s a new year…anything can happen!

J: 2010-CHECK!

2011-01-02T20:03:00.012-07:00

Wow…how this year flew by! It seems like just yesterday I was tentatively tiptoeing into this challenge. I really didn’t have very much hope, and certainly didn’t expect to be nearly as successful as I was.

But is “successful” the right word? I’m not sure.

Yes, I accomplished what I set out to do. Every single month, I went on at least one date with someone new. Some months I even went out with more than one guy.

I stepped out of my comfort zone. I became comfortable with the dating process. I now know how to respond when a guy buys me a drink. I’ve tried internet dating and 8 minute dating and blind dating. I’ve asked guys out, myself. I’ve learned the perfect way to respond to an awkward text. I’ve learned how to reject (and be rejected!) I’ve learned not to let my heart get too involved too quickly and I’ve learned (the hard way) why it’s so important to keep it guarded. I’ve dated more guys in this one year then in all of my previous years of dating combined and have had more experiences than I ever expected.

So, if you judge success by those measures, yes, I was 100% successful.

But what I really, really, in my heart of heart wanted from this year was to NOT be successful. I wanted to meet someone who wiped this challenge from my mind, completely.

I wanted to be Elle…who met someone early on and is still in love with that same man, today.

I wanted to be Sheila…who let her thick walls down, got hurt…but bounced back and ended up meeting her Mr. Right.

Towards the end of the year, I met someone special too, yes. He filled me with hope and made me believe that I could kiss this challenge good-bye as well. That didn't happen. But through the experience, I remembered what it was like to be in a relationship. I realized how much I truly want that in my life…despite the fact that it isn’t always rainbows and roses.

Most importantly, however, I learned that I’m not willing to settle. I wouldn’t accept a one-sided relationship. What I was getting wasn’t good enough and I deserved so much more. In spite of what my heart wanted, I had the self-respect to get out of the relationship and to take a chance, heading out alone (again) in search of something better…something more real…something that will make all these years of waiting worthwhile.

And that, itself, is something to be proud of.

So, the big question is...will I keep up this challenge into the next year?

Probably not.

At least, not with a quota.

This year, I found myself accepting quantity instead of quality, over and over. I went out with guys that were convenient verses guys that I was truly interested in getting to know....always hoping that maybe I’d be pleasantly surprised. Usually, I wasn’t.

So, for me, 2011 will be about dating guys that I truly want to date instead of focusing on sticking to a timeline & constantly checking the calendar.

And after this year of experimenting, challenging myself and stepping out on that limb, I can go into 2011 with confidence and a better understanding of who I am and what I truly want and need out of a relationship.

A huge "Thank you" is due to my femmebuds; Elle & Sheila. Without you, I might not have been brave enough to fully step out into this challenge or to stick with it for an entire year (let alone write about it for the world to read!) I’ve grown closer to each of you through this year and through this challenge. And if nothing more was accomplished, the growth of our friendship has made it worth the journey.

Thanks to you, readers, for travelling with me on this journey. It wouldn’t have been the same without all of your comments and advice.

It’s been a crazy year, full of fun, stress, excitement, heartache and joy, laugher and tears, longing and surprises, elation and disappointment ...and (if I’m telling the whole truth) I’m SO relieved that it’s over!

On to 2011! Maybe this will be the year “he” shows up.

Maybe not.

If nothing else, 2010 and this challenge has proven that this single gal will be fine either way.

J: Still

2010-12-26T13:51:00.007-07:00

Here it is, two month later and I still go back and forth about whether I did the right thing by breaking up with myself for Mr. September.

Still, I wonder if I made a mistake.

Still, I wonder if I was too impatient. I wonder if I should have given it more time.

Still, I wonder if I should have relaxed more…to let it just be what it was.

I still miss him. I still wonder what he did for Christmas Eve…for Christmas Day…for the time that we both have off work. I wonder whether he has plans for New Year’s Eve. I wonder if his kid had a blast on Christmas morning. I wonder whether he made it all the way through the LOST series, what he thought of the ending and whether he actually bought that wetsuit and is still out on the lake, despite these chilly temperatures.

It’s ridiculous. I know. It’s also pathetic…we’ve now been apart for longer than we were together. And, at this point, in my head, I realize that it’s probably not Mr September himself so much as that little taste that he gave me of that meaningful relationship that I’ve been trying so hard to find.

When we first started seriously dating, we became friends on facebook. When we broke up I kept him as a “friend” but to keep myself from obsessing I blocked him from showing up on my feed. It still takes everything in my power though, not to check out his wall to see what he’s been up to.

He, on the other hand, has obviously not done the same thing. Within the last month, he’s “liked” my status no less than 4 times.

The first time it happened, I was thrilled…maybe it was a “sign”. Maybe he was still interested? Maybe he was reaching out? Obviously he’d been watching what I’d been up to! My friends who I freaked out to about it all reassured me that it was just a gesture of friendship…he probably just honestly liked my status. Still, immediately following the “like” I hoped for more…a call…a text…anything. But I waited and…NOTHING.

The next “like” did the same thing to me, to a lesser extent.

By this most recent “like”, I was just pissed. Is he really so clueless?

If this keeps making me so upset I should do something about it, right? But what? Defriend him? No way! I left the door open when I broke up because I LIKE the guy. I didn’t want to shut off the opportunity for anything more, if he would ever come to his senses and decide I was worth dating after all. Defriending would be slamming that door closed.

Defriending would also be saying “you hurt me so badly, I can’t even handle seeing you show up occasionally, electronically.” My pride won’t let me do that either.

Yet all I wanted for Christmas this year (other than being able to complete this challenge: CHECK!) was a call from him, asking me out because he has realized that he wants me in his life. I think that I just want the opportunity to try again. I want to know, beyond a doubt that I did the right thing by giving space. But...I also want to be liked back. I want to be truly cherished. I deserve that.

And since that’s obviously not happening, wish #2 is to figure out SOME way to get over the guy once and for all.

Yes. I know. Pathetic. I'll move on, people, I promise! I won't keep posting about this guy. This will be the last time for me to go on and on about this pitiful stuck state that I can't seem to escape.

I guess Christmas just made me nostalgic for something that I thought I had that never really existed.

Aaah...well. It's way past time to be moving on. Bring on the next one...and Santa Baby, make him a good one this time, okay?

J: A Very Merry Christmas for Jane

2010-12-24T22:18:00.003-07:00

Earlier this week, my half-December date asked me to meet him out tonight (Christmas Eve) for some dancing. When I said that I wasn’t sure what my plans were, he tried to convince me to come by bribing me with the promise of a Christmas gift.

So, I was thinking that since he wanted me to meet him out so badly that he was resorting to bribery, the least I could do was consider it an official DATE.

And then, today, he started a conversation via text to make sure that I wasn’t going to back out due to the mass amounts of rain that started pouring down…which turned into a Princess Bride quoting contest (Cute, no?)…which turned into an invitation to pre-dancing dinner. (Definitely a date!)

So, dinner it was, and then dancing. Lots and lots of dancing!

Which means that today, Christmas Eve, marks the day that I completed this challenge! I have officially gone out with (at least) one guy per month for an entire year. I actually accomplished what I considered to be impossible, just 365 days ago!

What a perfect Christmas gift…it was just what I was hoping for!

Now please, don’t get me wrong…I didn’t go out tonight just to check the box. I really do like this guy. We’ve had a BLAST dancing together. And dancing tonight was no different.

Plus, I must say that it was nice to have a little romance on the night when the rest of the world is snuggled up with their families.

We ended the night with a big hug and a “thank you” and a “Merry Christmas, see ya soon!”

And we will actually see each other soon…the next time we’re both out dancing. But, what I wanna know is whether Mr. December (because, he now has officially earned the full name) will call and suggest additional non-dancing activities. Because, if (when) he does, I’ll say yes.

J: A December Almost-date

2010-12-20T15:43:00.001-07:00

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been flirting with a NEW dancing guy. He’s in my classes, I see him out socially, and our West Coast Swing can’t be beat! I know that he’s interested in me. While he hadn’t asked me out…a girl can just tell…

Last night was my dance studio’s big bi-yearly show and both this new guy and I were performing. While the two of us weren’t dancing together for the actual performance, we had the chance to dance together between acts and spent the hours that we had to be there before the show, hanging out together.

The performance went pretty late and it wasn’t until after it was over that I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything all day (too worried about nerves getting the best of me!) So, as we were chatting after the event had wound down and everyone was getting ready to go, I mentioned that I was craving a big stack of pancakes and he suggested that we go get some. And, naturally,

I agreed.

Immediately!

I was thinking three things:
#1: Yay! I get to hang out with this guy and actually get to know him a little bit better.
#2: Hooray! A December date!
#3: Mmmmm….pancakes!

But, as we were finalizing our “where” a friend of ours (and fellow performer) walked up, heard us talking and invited herself along.

It was a nice meal together but a little strange. The guy and I split an omelet and pancakes, the friend got a separate dinner of her own. The guy and I sat by each other and did most of the talking, the friend was strangely silent. It truly felt like the guy and I were on a date, and the friend was there as our chaperone.

So…while #1 and #3 worked out for me, I don’t think that I can officially count this as a December date. Maybe I could consider it to be ½ a date? An almost-date? Call him Mr. Dece and hope that Mr. mber shows up too, in the next 11 days?

He DID ask.

He DID pay.

We DID get to know each other better.

There was the INTENT…it was the execution that didn’t quite work out.

S: Mr. November FTW aka Sheila is Off the Market

2010-12-13T13:10:00.002-07:00

I have just pulled my profile off of OkCupid.

Mr. November has won.

There will be no Mr. December. I'm not even going to be cynical enough to believe there is the possibility that things with Mr. November could go down in flames before the end of the month.

I may have thrown up on a few of the loop-the-loops, but the thrills were worth the ride. I'm back on the roller coaster.

And I can promise you already that this one will have far fewer scary drops.

I guess I have to turn in my Spinster card again.

With a GIANT smile on my face.

J: Yoo-hoo…Mr. December???

2010-12-12T08:46:00.002-07:00

Will there be a Mr. December? I’m thinking maybe not.

With the big holiday and the general stress and emotion around being alone that all of us singles feel, I don’t know how many guys are really looking for a first date this month.

Also, with my switch over to eHarmony, things have slowed waaaaay down. Mainly because of their torturous “guided communication” process where you have to go through 5 million different stages of communication before you can actually email back and forth and get a feeling for who the guy really is…as well as show a bit of personality, yourself.

I’ve had over 170 “matches” so far and not one of them has gotten to that “open communication” stage.

Granted, I haven’t actually begun communication with even a fraction of those 170 matches.

Most of them are awful. Terrible. At least from their profile…(or honestly…from their pictures.) But, I’m still trying to keep moving forward with those that I’ve started the process with…and I’ll keep trying.

But, realistically…finding a Mr. December via the eHarmony route isn’t looking all that promising.

I have been flirty with a guy that I’ve been dancing with lately. We were chatting about facebook and at one point he said “didn’t we talk about this already” and I said “We don’t really talk, we yell” (in reference to the fact that we only talk when we’re dancing because when we’re around each other, it’s always in a dancing setting) and THEN I threw out the “we should go to dinner or something…I want to hear your story” comment (yes…one that I’ve been planning for a week or so) and he immediately agreed with me but then we both were distracted and the conversation didn't go any further.

So, now, we’ll see if he takes the bait. I’ve put my neck out a bit…it’s his turn to take it the rest of the way. If he does…great! If not…oh well, I guess.

Because, honestly, I’m not all that worried about actually finding a December. While I’ve hit every single other month of this challenge, I’m not feeling a driving need to claim a December date. For the year, I’ve gone out with 13 guys already. Isn’t a good baker’s dozen enough?

Obviously, I’m not going to say no if the new dancing guy actually asks me out for coffee. And I’ll keep working that dismal eHarmony scene.

But, if I just don’t find anyone worthy of the title of “Mr. December"…I’m thinking that I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

S: Living in the Recent Past

2010-12-08T23:22:00.004-07:00

I don't care what any of the calendars say...in Sheila's World, it is still very much November.

Mr. November, that is.

After two official dates and four extra-curricular get togethers, Mr. November is beginning to look a whole lot like trouble.

I want to move slowly, but definitely in a forward trajectory. I am rather curious about the potential of this guy. I'm really not sure how he got thrown back in the bin.

Nor am I sure where he is in that healing process. I am acutely aware of the danger of this situation.

And acutely excited about it.

But now we have reached the point when it's time to tell stories. We have plans every night this weekend. One of them really needs to involve some "ok, time to let the real shit out" talking. Time to find out where the cracks in the marble are.

And time to find out if I'm going to let the last month of this little experiment pass without trying to get a date. So far I don't care to communicate with another guy. None of them make me laugh like he does. None of them treat me with respect like he does. None of them have crushes on my cats like he does.

And none of them keep my hands warm and my face smiley.

Trouble, I tell you. Trouble.

J: This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to somebody special

2010-12-06T19:19:00.010-07:00

Lately, I’ve been feeling all sorts of sorry for my single self.

It’s Christmas again, a YEAR after this experiment started and I’m still alone!

I’ve been seriously grumpy, disappointed, and dreading this entire month.

Ask around! Everyone will tell you that basically, I’ve been the definition of "Bah Humbug".

But, on Sunday I went to church and the pastor spoke directly to me. He said that you see what you focus your sights on. The perfect example that he gave was car shopping. Once you start thinking about the car that you want, all of a sudden there are thousands of that exact car (in the exact color you want) out on the road. They’re EVERYWHERE!

I realized that I’ve been focusing on the one big rejection I got this year, which has made me blind to the fact that acceptance is all around me.

I’m surrounded by it!

I haven’t missed a single month of this challenge. I got the vacation fling I hoped for. Mr. October would do anything to get a call back from me telling him that I wanted a relationship. Mr. November probably would too. The guy I met out dancing the other night would definitely have asked me out if I had given him even a half of a chance.

And all I see is rejection?

All I see is a holiday month ahead of me, filled with loneliness?

Not only do I have the potential for love (albeit with guys I’m not interested in), I’ve been overlooking the fact that I actually already have love.

I have people who love me. I have friends who truly want me to spend Christmas with them & their families. They want me there to share the season, their traditions, their joy. They truly care about me…whether I’m happy or sad…at my best or my worst…they LOVE me.

The way to make it through this Christmas is not to be sad and depressed that I’m all alone. The way to not only survive but also truly enjoy and appreciate this year’s holiday is to focus on the love that I already have around me instead of focusing on the lack of romantic “love” that promises big but never truly delivers.

Plus, I can focus on appreciating being single for another year, and the best benefit of all: no inlaws!!!

S: Appropriate or Not?

2010-11-29T21:16:00.002-07:00

I'm going to let you be the judge. I just had this exchange via a certain dating site. Keep in mind that I have never communicated with this person before.

Him
Subject: question
Entire Message: Do you have kids or can you still make babies just wondering?

Me
Subject: Re: question
Entire Message: What a ridiculously inappropriate and personal question to ask a stranger. Not cool.

Him
Subject: Re: question
Entire Message: Huh? Your selling yourself on a personals web site where people go to find a husband or wife and you can't answer a simple question can you make babies something so simple? Wow just what a man wants a woman who can't talk honestly truth and Yes! Personal matters! Got news for You! I can still make babies and clearly You can't.. Why else would a skinny ass uppity blond be on-line unless her major flaw was she can't make babies... Screw your cool. I like honesty and truth. Something your also clearly flawed at.....

end exchange

I don't know. I thought my response was pretty honest. And, coincidentally, I actually use my name on the site. This fellow does not.

I do like the label "skinny ass uppity blond". Very Diane from Cheers.

What do you think? Is "can you still make babies" a proper opening line?

Footnote: If I really wanted to know, my reciprocal question would be "can you make female orgasms?" Because I bet not. Why else would some old fart who could still make babies be online?

S: Well Done, Mr. November

2010-11-29T01:17:00.005-07:00

What a great date!

I haven’t had that fantastic a date since…well, you know…Mr. Old News.

It didn’t even feel like a date. It had all the trappings of a date, but it just felt like hanging out and having some laughs with a friend.

I don’t mean to put Mr. November in the friend category, I just mean that it was comfortable. We spoke the same language. There wasn’t all that awkward date pressure.

I never even checked the time. Instead of 45 minutes feeling like an hour and a half, 5 and a half hours felt like 45 minutes. We closed down a bar on a Tuesday night.

I’m guessing that part may have helped. Dinner wine and after martinis got us to relax a bit. Hopefully we don’t always have to be enjoying beverages to have fun, but for the first time at bat, the nectar of Bacchus prevented any “Oh my God it’s the longest time anyone has ever gone without speaking!” moments.

Not that we got schnockered or anything. We are responsible adults. And it was a Tuesday.

Anyway. Fantastic date. Kudos go to Mr. November. I had so much fun that I am looking forward to the next time we go out. No obligatory second date this time. I actually want to see him again. Not because I hope he’ll do better, but because I don’t think he could do any better.

And really, at this point, we have such a long list of restaurants we want to eat at that we’ll probably have to go out for a year just to get to all of them. Which doesn’t seem like a bad idea, other than the sheer quantity of calories consumed.

Judging by our first meal together anyway. Our dinner was delicious. I twisted his arm to get a particularly tasty appetizer, but he loved it so I’m sure it only endeared me to him. That’s the hope, I guess. Our dinner conversation was good. Lots of good get-to-know-you stuff without just sticking to the obvious, boring crap, but also avoiding the kinds of things you just shouldn’t talk about on a first date.

After dinner, as planned, we went down the street for drinks at a fun little neighborhood martini bar. There was laughing. There was chatting. There was arm touching. And, I even got recognized. Yes, that’s right, Little Miss Thang does some internet videos and independent movies sometimes and every once in a while, people in her not-so-big city recognize her from these things when she is out. This is always a strange experience. And never before have I experienced it on a date. I tried to be cool about it. I then demanded loudly that everyone stop staring at me…there was nothing to see…I’m just a person like they are. Do you think that seems cocky?

Time flew by and we decided since we were the only ones left, they may want to close the bar. And now we get to the ever-popular end of date random chat until he decides what move he is or isn’t going to make.

I have determined that there is absolutely no way to avoid the awkwardness at the end of a first date. From now on, I’m just going to call attention to it. I’m tired of ignoring the elephant in the room. I have a new theory on how it should be handled, but Jane made me promise to write it in a separate post, so I can’t tell you what it is right now.

Anyway, we fell victim to the typical first date ending. We stood outside awkwardly making goodbye sounds while he tried to decide what the best move was. I just wanted to say good night and head to my car. He wanted some sort of physical punctuation to the evening.

I’m not a first date kisser. If I remember correctly from the early days of Guy, I was mocked for my physical distance over many of our first encounters. What can I say? I’m slow. It takes me a while to feel comfortable with that sort of thing. I have to assess the situation and see how I feel about everything.

I have a circle of safety.

Because it was such a great date and I am interested in future great dates, I was kind and didn’t just rush to my car, but I really didn’t want a kiss. Or anything. The result of this was a strange half hug and what amounted to him smelling my hair.

People always like how my hair smells, so this probably worked in my favor anyway.

After this tragic denouement, we good nighted and made our separate ways. I wasn’t bothered by it because it was to be expected. I was enjoying the after glow of a very good time. I thought it might have bothered him a bit though.

It is because of this that I allowed myself to be the first to text. This is not usually how it happens, but I thought maybe I’d throw him a life preserver after that. The text was random and meaningless, but it opened the lines of communication and after a short exchange, he apologized for the awkward end to the date. I told him I wasn’t worried about it because that’s just how it goes and that we’d power through. It was certainly nothing that required an apology.

This seemed to set his mind at ease.

At this point, we have already determined what our next date will be, we just haven’t discussed when. And I'm very much looking forward to it. More food and fun is slated and I’m guessing it won’t disappoint. The disappointment will be how busy our schedules are this month and how long it might take to be able to get together.

In the meantime, we will continue to have text and email conversations. He has become the one who I always hope the dinging on my phone is heralding. He’s the one I want to hear from now.

This is the delightful side effect of a good date. Forward movement. There was some static from Guy over the last week. A couple of times he came close to asking to come over. And guess what. I don’t want him to.

Come over that is.

I do want him to ask. Because, for the first time, I could tell him that I’m seeing someone and I don’t want to screw it up by carrying on some stuck-in-a-rut affair with my ex-boyfriend. For the first time, I’m more interested in someone else than in him. For the first time, I can see how somebody else might be better.

Well done, Mr. November.

J: Cruisin' Connection

2010-11-28T18:39:00.010-07:00

Soooo…I know after my last post, this won’t surprise you: I ended up having a ‘Love Boat’ experience of my very own with my piano man.

Apparently, meeting someone on vacation is not like meeting someone in real life.

Suddenly, you’re faced with a situation where you know that once the week's over, you’re never going to see the other person again….or at least it’s highly unlikely that your paths will ever cross. And in addition to the lack of a future, the time that you have together in the present is exceptionally limited, requiring the courtship process to speed along at a breakneck pace.

I saw “short-term-fun-time” when I looked into his eyes. I didn’t see either of us making wedding plans or naming our 2.5 children. So all the compliments & appreciation he showered on me was enjoyable instead of freaking me out & driving me away (as Mr. October’s did).

Plus, I had the added benefit of ‘dating’ a star of the ship. We hung out with his dueling-piano buddies when we were out and everywhere we went, they were showered with compliments and adoration and free drinks. These guys were seriously good! (Even my dad, at one point, proudly told me about his encounter with ‘the piano guys’ at lunch one day and how excited he was to get to chat with them. Little did he know…) ;)

And, due to being a performer on the ship and paid by the cruiseline, my piano guy was officially “staff”. So, in addition to the excitement of hanging with a ‘celebrity’ I also got the thrill of sneaking around, Dirty Dancing style since he was basically putting his job on the line by ‘fraternizing with a guest’.

As the week wound to a close, we exchanged phone numbers (and last names). And, believe it or not, since disembarking, we have actually texted. We also have an understanding that if he ever ends up in my city, he’ll give me a call.

But, I’m not holding my breath. I’m not waiting by the phone.

It was what it was. And that’s all that it was. And that’s all that it will be.

And both of us understood that without a word being said.

There’s no obsessing.

There’s no rejection.

There’s no playing out the relationship into the future...wondering about Christmas plans, or whether his family would like me, or wondering how to deal with all that baggage from previous relationships.

There's no freaking out about why he hasn't called.

And, those red flags? No matter!

It was just enjoying the moment, in the moment, for what it was.

And it was fantastic!!!

J: Cruisin' Solo

2010-11-24T11:50:00.004-07:00

Well….apparently, since this cruise spans the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s the PERFECT one for families. This is obviously not the week for singles to be traveling. There are quite a few hot guys on this ship but inevitably, about 5 seconds after I’ve spotted one, the beautiful wife shows up or the darling kids run over and hang on his shirt tails…and another one is crossed off my list.

To increase my odds of meeting someone on this cruise, I’ve been attending the “Sailing Solo” meetings. Unfortunately, however, the average age of that crowd is approximately 55. Not good. Granted, there were about 3 guys who were closer to my age, but none of them were remotely interesting…even though each one of them, in their own awkward way tried hitting on me.

Well…I guess I should say, that was my experience up until yesterday when the guys from the dueling pianos act showed up at our singles event. All three of them were super cute…and musicians (remember how I feel about musicians?? Yum!) and, as piano players, aren’t they pretty much guaranteed to have magic fingers? ;)

So, the four of us sat around chatting over our drinks…and I obviously hit it off with one of them more than the others and before I had to leave to meet my parents for dinner, he made sure that I’d be going to at that evening’s big party. Which I was.

After dinner, we met up at the party and danced together and then took a walk together on the main deck and ended up making out on the smaller, sunbathing deck which was by this point in the evening completely deserted.

Nothing “real” is going to happen with this guy. He works on a cruise ship, and lives such a different life from me.

Plus, this would be uber-long distance…and I can’t handle “long distance” when the guy is just an hour away.

Plus, we're not exactly in the same place, emotionally either...he’s still a little messed up from a relationship of his own that recently went sour. (Wow...that seems to be happening a lot these days).

Plus, unfortunately, the guy really didn't get any of my jokes. There were a lot of "oh, that was a joke, right" comments from him. Uhhh...yeah.

But, there was chemistry. Definitely, there was chemistry...

And, this is a cruise ship...

And I’m on vacation...

So, tonight we’re meeting up after he’s done with his dueling pianos performance of the night and we’ll see where this thing goes.

J: Cruisin’ with the 'rents

2010-11-19T15:36:00.002-07:00

I’m sitting in an airport waiting for the flight that will take me to Miami and the start of my family’s Caribbean cruise.

This one is with my parents and my brother and I’m doing my very best to be excited about it. But the thing about family vacations when both kids are still single is that they can quickly rewind the clock 20 years and bring out the worst in everyone. It would be different if I was doing this with a husband and a kid….or just a husband…or even just a *boyfriend*. At least in that situation, I would still be seen as an adult by my parents.

But, we’ve never been on a cruise before. And it’s been a very very long time since our last family vacation. So, who knows, it might be fabulous. It might also be extremely frustrating.

I am planning to spend time with the family but I’m also really, really hoping for a nice “Love Boat” experience. It could happen, right? I hear that they have tons of singles events on board and surely other single guys who were dragged along will be looking for a little holiday romance as well, right?

And, luckily, I’m not sharing a room with my brother (although he will be next door…with the ‘rents just across the hall.)

I’ve had my November date and it’s not quite December yet so this would purely be a ‘bonus’ opportunity in regards to this challenge.

Who knows…anything can happen if I keep my mind open.

I specifically brought my computer along for blogging purposes....even though I won't be logging in due to the per-minute cost on the ship. So, while there will be some radio silence for awhile, hopefully I'll have a bunch of posts for you when this vacation is done.

Wait...or maybe I should hope that I don't blog at all since I'll be too busy having fun and won't have time to be on my computer at all.

Fingers crossed, friends...fingers crossed.

S: November Cup Update

2010-11-19T09:08:00.004-07:00

And we have a winner!

The November Cup has been taken by Contender the Third!

At the start of the race, C3 had worked his way into the lead by being the only contender to have actually made mention of a social outing. And, only a few laps in, this contender earned a decisive victory by suggesting dinner early next week.

We went a few rounds about where we would eat, because I’m notoriously bad at choosing a restaurant, but the message exchange was actually quite fun. He plays along very well and we feel the same way about a lot of food related topics. This is promising for dinner conversation. We’ll see if he ends up being any better at in-person bantering than the last two Misters.

After the flurry of exchanges to get our plans hashed out, I found myself disappointed that there wouldn’t be more to discuss. What do you email about once the date has been made when the original intent of your messages was to get a date made? I didn’t want our exchanges to come to a screeching halt. I was having too much fun.

Good thing I’m a master of random crap. I threw out some odd topics of conversation and the banter continued. Until now. Because he left town for the weekend.

And now I kind of miss Contender the Third. The newly crowned Mr. November. I found myself looking forward to his responses to my random crap. He takes the bait I put out for him and he makes me laugh. And then sets out new bait for me.

I’m actually looking forward to our date as more than just a quota filler after the last week of back-and-forth. I didn’t feel a great connection during the group drinks last week, but now that the ice is broken and it will just be the two of us, perhaps things will flow a bit better. We both have a better sense of what can be discussed safely with the other and we have a little bit of shared history to get us going.

And wine. There will be wine. And martinis. This will definitely take the edge off. But not too much. It’s good to have a little edge. It’s much easier to keep one’s distance when sober.

So that’s it. The November Cup has been decided. I was sweating this one, but a worthy stallion has come through.

In a late breaking photo finish, Contender the First also suggested a get together for drinks not a couple of hours after I accepted Contender the Third’s dinner request. I’d rather have Contender the Fourth cross the finish line for December, but it looks like I’ll be able to keep C1 at the starting gate for an early take-off next month.

Then I have to figure out what to do with the remaining contenders.

S: The November Cup

2010-11-15T20:53:00.009-07:00

I just checked the calendar…we are halfway through November. This worries me because I have yet to score any date plans. And I’m not sure I will. This month is running low on weekends and one of them is a holiday. Scheduling options are getting scarce.

I have a few Mr. Possibilities I’ve been working on, but I don’t know if any of them will hit the “go out” button in the next couple of weeks. Every one of them seems close, and yet…nothing. And I’m still in this place of feeling like I can’t do the asking because I think it makes the subsequent “I don’t want to get involved” chat more difficult. I mean, why do the asking if I’m not interested? How do I explain that?

So it’s going to be a race to the finish this month. Here are the 3 contenders for the title of Mr. November. At this point, they are neck-and-neck. And I may get left in the dust.

Contender the First -

There is a fella I’ve been exchanging messages with on my chosen dating site. He started the conversation by letting me know he was amused by my profile. Not the first time I’ve heard that, but if a guy says it in an interesting way, I’ll respond. He seems intelligent, can banter and hasn’t made any overt, disrespectful sexual remarks. My tactic with this contender is to keep encouraging talk of food preferences we have in common in order to work my way into a lunch or dinner invitation.

There are two major issues with C1. First, he’s still married. He’s listed himself as “separated.” I don’t know what this means, but right now I couldn’t be more done with dealing with Bitter Divorce Guys (BDGs). (To be fair, I haven’t yet sensed his bitterness, but I have yet to meet a divorced guy on the dating scene who isn’t). And if he’s not even actually divorced? He’s all kinds of potential train wreck. But, all I need is one date. One dinner and a kind “I can’t see getting involved while you’re still married and dealing with this crap.” Just one. This month. Like…now.

The other issue, you ask? He is currently out of the country. Yes…you read right…*out of the country*. Just as I was working my, get-him-to-ask-me-out-and-make-sure-he-thinks-it’s-his-idea magic, he sends a message saying he’s getting on a plane and crossing the pond. Great, I’m trying to get a date on the calendar in the next couple of weeks and he leaves the country. The good news is that he sent me a message from over seas. I was surprised by that effort. Definitely a sign of interest. I guess we’ll see what happens when he gets back. Just need that one date. You know…yesterday.

Contender Uno may be lagging behind the pack due to his relative proximity to me and any place we might go together.

Contender the Second -

There is another fella I’ve been conversing with on the same dating site. I sent him a random message a while back and finally got a response apologizing for the delay in reply. Again, just like Contender the First, he seems intelligent and fun to banter with, but I’m not that excited about him. He corrects me. Don’t correct me. That’s just rude. We have some grammar pet peeves in common, which gives us something to chat about, but I can’t deal with hanging out with a corrector. You spend too much time wondering if you’re saying the wrong thing and if he’s judging you. And then you have to try really hard not to correct in response to his corrections.

BUT, I just need the one date. It just doesn’t seem like he’s going to ask. We exchange friendly messages, but he doesn’t seem in any hurry to meet. He asks me what my plans are for the weekend, but then doesn’t really take it anywhere from there. I’ve started to believe that he will not be asking me out in time for him to be Mr. November. If at all.

Which, in reality, I don’t mind. I’m not very interested in him. Actually, if we did go out, I think the lack of spark/interest would be mutual. I think finally I would find myself in a situation in which we both know it’s not going any further and we’ll both be fine with it. (Also, I suspect he may be writing a secret blog about dating too…he’s not the dating site type.)

Even so, Contender the Second is picking up the rear with Contender the First at this point, due to his lack of a sense of urgency.

Contender the Third -

This contender has been added to the roster by more traditional means. He’s my second fix-up of the Date Club Challenge. Guy was the first fix-up, although a subtle one. Ok, he was more of an ambush, but I’m paying the price for it, so I don’t feel bad.

Anyway, a friend suggested a fix-up between me and a guy who works in her office and I told her I was o.k. with it, knowing full well I need to get a November on the books. So, she set up an after work drink get-together between the three of us and another friend. It went well. He’s a nice guy. Very congenial and polite. The four of us had some good conversation over some drinks and appetizers.

Buuuuut, no spark. My friend called right after, and before her phone died, I told her if he asked me out I would go, but that I didn’t feel any strong sparks flying around. Frankly, if he didn’t ask me out, I’d be fine. But we didn’t get to talk much, so maybe there’s more there.

Here’s the little bit of news she passed on to me during our brief post mortem chat…he’s getting divorced. Like, right now. His divorce is final this week. Again, he didn’t behave like a BDG, but he’s going through this as I type. He can’t be in a good place.

I suppose this isn’t a bad thing. It gives us both a safe reason not to get involved. No need to reject anyone personally. We have an “out.”

Back to the race. Contender the Third moved to the head of the pack today by being the only one to actually have suggested a social outing together. As is the modern custom, C3 friended me on Facebook a day or two after our fix-up and began a conversation. We’ve been having some fun going back and forth for a few days and both playing the “how can I create an ask-out situation without going out on a limb” game. It’s working.

I got a bit concerned when he said he was out of town for the next two weekends and how did December sound, but then he also added that we could possibly go out during the week. I made a push for during the week.

Place your bets on Contender the Third. He’s a few lengths ahead.

BUT WAIT! Another stallion has just entered the race.

Contender the Fourth –

The very thoughtful dating site will sometimes send me mate suggestions. Most of them are frightening. This one was not. This one is tasty. And he sent me a message. Yay! I do like hearing from the tasty ones.

He has some catching up to do and I’m not sure he’ll make it, but he does seem interested. He’s younger than I’d like. And, if we go out, I could see him being a bit cocky for my tastes, but he comes across as a nice guy in his messages and hasn’t gotten creepy yet. And no sign of a divorce.

And did I mention the tasty? Yum.

I don’t imagine he’ll catch up to the other contenders at this late date, but he might. He certainly has the confidence to. I won’t have to do a lot of encouraging. This is not a contender who gets shot down.

If he doesn’t win the November Cup, my bets are definitely on him for December.

So, the race is on. Four contenders. Two weeks. Can Sheila pull this one out or is she going to owe Mr. Piggy? Put on your best hat, sip your mint julep and sit back and enjoy the show.

J: Free

2010-11-15T19:12:00.005-07:00

Done.

After much, much stressing and a very difficult, much longer than it should have been discussion, I’ve finally broken up with Mr. October.

He’s willing to slow way down. He’s willing to give me all the time I need. He’s willing to just be friends. Anything, anything, anything I want, just so he can be in my life.

I suck.

I’m supposed to call him when I’ve had time to think about it. I’m supposed to call him when I figure it all out. I’m supposed to contact him when I’m ready to go out again…as a friend or ‘hopefully more’.

And…ouch…doesn’t that plan sound familiar?

It’s not going to happen. I’m not going to call. I can’t go there emotionally and it’s just not fair to him to let him think we could be friends, knowing that he would always want it to turn into more.

Ouch…that sounds familiar too.

So....moving on!

In other news: now that Mr. October can’t think it’s because I want to be exclusive with him, I also dumped OKCupid tonight. Yes…my profile is officially down (at least until I log back in again, which I don’t see happening any time soon.)

I have a couple of prospects for December. Hopefully one of them will work out without the assistance of a free (crappy) online dating site.

So long, OKC...you brought me nothing but heartache!!!

Two breakups in one night. No more Mr. October. No more OKCupid.

I feel free. I feel relieved. I feel like a jerk.

J: Chicken Shit

2010-11-14T12:31:00.005-07:00

I suck.

Just called to cancel my date with Mr. October. But I wasn't able to find a way to have 'the conversation'.

I texted my bestest guy friend to admit that I chickened out. His response: "Jane...you should have done it last week."

Yeah. I know.

The sad thing is...I think Mr. October knows too. He avoided any "I must see you" type of comments...which meant that I didn't really have an opening to go into my prepared "we're not in the same place" speech that I was planning to launch into from there.

He did ask me to call him tomorrow. I owe him this conversation. Maybe I'll figure out how to just blurt it all out by then.

Why am I feeling so trapped by someone I've only gone out with twice?

J: Breaking up...again

2010-11-14T09:42:00.005-07:00

Yaaaaay.

In less than a month, I get to have my second break-up discussion.

Fun.

After only two dates, three phone conversations and a handfull of texts, Mr. October has completely, totally and absolutely fallen for me. And while so much flattery is nice, I just can't bring myself to pretend anymore.

He called yesterday to tell me how excited he is about seeing me on our date that was scheduled for tonight. Apparently, instead of going to a local movie theater where you can get dinner while you watch your movie, he wants to go to dinner and then to a movie so that we can spend even more time together. He also expressed his interest in seeing me as much as possible and at least "more than once a week". But I'm leaving for a cruise with my family (I'll be blogging about this soon, too) on Friday and my calendar is pretty much filled up for the rest of the week with other pre-existing plans and last minute trip preparation tasks.

If I were actually interested in him, instead of making excuses about how busy I am, wouldn't I have found a day, an evening, or even just a spare hour to see him before I left the country for over a week? I didn't even really want to give him my email address when he asked if we could stay in touch while I'm away. I just didn't want that much of a 'responsibility' while I'm on vacation. Plus, quite honestly, I wouldn't be all that upset to find myself in the middle of a little on-board romance.

Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, it was pretty apparent that I'm finally succumbing to this cold that I've been fighting off all week. Fortunately, Mr. October knows from yesterday's phone call, that I'm not feeling my best. So, while I know that it's not going to make him happy, I'm going to call and cancel our date for tonight due to the level of crappy that I'm feeling. I'm also going to take advantage of being on the phone with him to tell him that while I really and truly enjoy spending time with him we're just not at the same place. And I don't see us getting there.

I know where I went, emotionally, with Mr. September despite the fact that he wasn't able to go there with me. And it's just not fair to let this 'relationship' progress any further when I can tell that Mr. October is already headed down that same path. He is a great guy...but we're not going to turn into an "us"...no matter how much he wants it and pushes for it.

This sucks.

I have a feeling that the actual event of breaking up with myself last month will have turned out to be a whole lot easier than the event of breaking up with Mr. October will be...even if the aftermath was (and still is) harder.

S: October Fades

2010-11-13T10:17:00.004-07:00

It’s been more than a month and Mr. October and I have continued to exchange texts and the occasional (awkward) phone chat. Although, in the last week that has really dropped off. And I can't say that I mind. Last week he suggested a third date and I told him we should do that and all he had to do was let me know when he was available. But really, I was only going to use it as an opportunity for a face-to-face chat about how he is wasting his time on me and we should probably both move on.

After two dates and a lot of digital conversation, I feel nothing for him. We’re awkward together. He’s sweet and says very complimentary things to me, but I don’t feel comfortable around him. We don’t easily fall into conversation. We don’t laugh at the same things. We don’t have a lot in common. He’s a good guy and treats me kindly, but we don’t relax around each other and it’s not that fun.

AND suddenly, he’s all about sex. O.k., really this started a couple of weeks ago. There would be text conversations about how long it’s been for him. Sometimes it was just cute flirting, but then it became obvious that this man, while a complete gentleman in person, just needs to get his rocks off.

He tells me he knows there aren’t sparks between us, but he wants to “cuddle.” He’s told me that he believes he’s unable to feel deeply for a woman after the end of his marriage. And yet he’s making a play for a physical relationship. Yes, he’s an adult and what adult doesn’t need other adult companionship? But how can he expect that kind of companionship without a connection? Without feelings?

I know I can’t. I have to have the feelings. And I’ve told him as much. At some point, one of our “it’s been a while” conversations got serious and I told him I wasn’t going to be the one to help him get back on the bike. I just can’t do it that way.

So I think all of his compliments and sweetness are an effort to conjure up a relationship. I get the impression he’s trying to make something happen so I’ll get physical with him. I hate to be cynical about this kind of stuff all the time, but it’s experiences like this that make me believe guys never mean a single sweet thing they say. They’ve just learned the sounds we like to hear that will make our pants come off.

It’s like they’ve figured out the right bird calls to get us to circle so they can shoot us down.

I get crap all the time for not being able to take a compliment. But here is a perfect example for making the case that men only compliment you to get you to sleep with them. This is why I think it’s all bullshit when I hear it. I want to believe it, and sometimes, just to feel good, I let myself believe it…but then, once again, “You’re beautiful” turns into “Let’s cuddle.”

Anyway, I’ve been very clear with Mr. October that it’s not going to happen. That I’m not interested in getting involved (especially with someone who has admitted he won’t have feelings for me) and not being involved means not being physical. And this is why I feel like he’s wasting his time and when I continue to converse with him it’s just giving him the impression that there’s a chance.

I don’t want to just be mean and blow him off or end it via text, but I find myself continuing to have to explain that we aren’t going to have a physical relationship. And no matter how many times I tell him that, it seems like any text conversation we have turns into innuendo and how he wants someone to be physical with.

At this point, I have not heard from him for several days. He’s had a very busy week with work and his kids, so this doesn’t surprise me. But I also think it’s because our last exchange of texts did not go too well. The last day I heard from him, I got two messages from him and both of them were about sex. I was actually offended, so my responses were terse and I didn’t make an effort to start or continue any kind of conversation. And I haven’t had anything to say to him since.

We’ve been out twice. We hardly know each other. I won’t even let him kiss me. The fact that he feels like he can be so crude with me is offensive, even though I’m not the hoity-toitiest girl on the block. I can joke and be just as crass as the next guy, but when you hardly know me, you need to maybe pretend you think I’m a lady. It’s a respect thing.

So if he’s going to drop it, I am too. I did notice he’s back on OkCupid. Perhaps he’s found someone else to focus his attention on. I hope so. He deserves someone who wants to be with him and someone who will make him feel feelings. He shouldn’t have to make such an effort to make himself feel something or orchestrate a relationship. Those pieces should just fall into place.

Best wishes, Mr. October. I’m glad to have known you. I wish you could have helped me fix my snow blower, but it definitely wasn’t worth the “payment” I was going to have to make. I hope you find your Bella.

S: Long Time, No Sheila

2010-11-12T15:53:00.007-07:00

I really have no reason for being absent other than I haven’t felt like I’ve had much to talk about lately. Maybe it’s just that nothing new is happening. My life is very “second verse same as the first” right now. But everything is cyclical, so here’s to some freshness. I do like when things get fresh.

Things are moving and shaking in the dating world, albeit only slightly. My social life is like plate tectonics…things happen, but very very slowly, until there’s a quake. And then it all comes crashing down.

Unless you’re standing in a doorway. And right now I feel like standing in the doorway.

Especially this particular doorway, from where I can gaze upon Officer Hottie while he helps make an accident report for a fender bender. Now if only I could think of some minor crime to commit to keep him around for some code violation flirting.

Instead I will snap out of it and get back to work on a few updates for you. Just so I can feel all current. I owe you updates on Mr. October and three possibilities for November. Yikes…November, which we are now nearly halfway through AND which has a holiday. I’m starting to think this might not happen.

I’ll break this up into several posts. But allow me to end this one with this update…

Guy still comes in and out of the picture. And continues to be the most interesting man in my life. But I have no delusions about us being together. In fact, I couldn’t say that I’d actually want us to get back together at this point. It certainly isn’t something I’m hoping for or trying to make happen.

I just prefer his attention to anyone else’s. Although I fear that moment of embarrassment when I realize he’s moved on. I’d like to be the one to move on first. I’m waiting for that mystical gent who can steal me from him. I’m not sure he’s out there, but I fully intend to be open to him if he arrives on the scene. (Ahem! Officer Hottie.)

I continue to count down to the end of this challenge when I can stop worrying about dating and just live my life. The day after my December date, I’m pulling my profile off OkCupid and I quit. There are so many other things to be concerned about, finding a guy falls into the same category as yard work. It seems like something I should do, but feels like a complete waste of time. I’d like to go back to just letting him find me for a change.

For now, I have a fading Mr. October and a bit of hope for November. Including an old-fashioned fix-up. Possibilities are the spice of life.

J: Too much to ask

2010-11-11T19:11:00.003-07:00

So, here we are now.

Mr. October=Me. Me=Mr. September.

Mr. October is totally into me. I have a great time, enjoy his company and have been having fun with him.

But my heart is cold.

I didn't wait long enough to jump into something new...not that this is really "something". We've only been out twice. However, after such a short time, he's completely and totally, puppy-dog devoted to me.

Is this how Mr. September felt? I really think so. Which hurts. Because if Mr. October disappeared out of my life right now...if he broke up with himself for me...like I did for Mr. September, I'd be sad for a day or so but when it came down to it, I would be just fine. I'd move on without thinking about him all that much. And I sure wouldn't be calling him and begging him to come back into my life.

So, is Mr. October coming into my life a blessing or a curse?

This time with October has helped me realize that I have no choice but to move on past Mr. September. There's not gonna be a do-over like I had hoped for. And, that's unfortunate because I now realize that adoration isn't what I really, really want.

What I want is compatibility and equality and a true partnership. I need a combination of the two guys...a little bit of each...the best pulled from both relationships.

Apparently, that's too much to ask for.

J: Last contact

2010-11-07T06:53:00.004-07:00

Today is going to be, quite possibly, the very last day that I have any form of contact with Mr. September.

It’s his birthday and after much debate, I’ve decided to send him a “Happy Birthday” text.

After today, I have no reason, whatsoever, to be in contact with him ever again. It’s entirely possible that our paths will never cross.

I must admit…part of my heart is desperately hoping that this spawns a conversation. But, my brain is doing its best to try to keep my poor little heart from being disappointed when I get back nothing more than a “Thanks”…or worse yet…no response at all.

What I want is a “It’s so good to hear from you, I’ve missed you so very much, when can I see you again?” But even my silly heart knows that’s not the response I’ll get.

From here, I really must finally pack up those feelings into “Yeah, it was nice but it won’t happen again” boxes. From here, I’ll have to finally admit that he’s not going to show up to win back my heart with roses and tears and apologies. From here, I must move on.

I have a second date with Mr. October tonight and I couldn’t care less. I wonder if he’ll be able to tell.

I have plenty to keep me busy today. But, the only plan that really matters to me is sending this damn text.

Because, until it’s sent…and until he responds…I can still hold onto that tiny little tiny seed of hope.

J: Mr. November

2010-11-02T15:58:00.003-07:00

The man who used to be know as Mr. Car Accident, now has an official name: Mr. November.

Nice guy.

We met for lunch today and had a great time. Splendid conversation. Actually, we got into some really interesting topics. He says that everyone sees him as a friend...a comfortable person, from the beginning...but you have to let him "grow on" you. Hmm...

I totally get that. I was comfortable with him from the start. But I still don't know about whether there can be more. He seemed interested in me. He was very complimentary (apparently, there's not tons of 'women of quality' on OKCupid...or at least if there are, he hasn't run into many of them.) And he seemed to be really happy to be out with me.

Throughout the meal, it seemed like he'd definitely be asking me out again but as we were walking out I got a hug (thank goodness not a goopy inappropriate kiss!) but he also threw out "call me if you want to get together again sometime, you have my number too".

I should have said: "I don't do that" so that he would know that he needed to call me if he wanted to see me again. I just don't know that there was enough there for me to go pursue him. Maybe he felt the same way. Or...maybe he could read that I'm not in the right place right now, myself.

But, he won the place of Mr. November. And...(you've heard this before)...if he calls and asks, I'll go out with him again. But he needs to make the call.

In the meantime, I've gotten daily texts from Mr. October. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling that little thrill when they arrive. I'm still giving the guy a chance. If only he knew that I'd be more interested if there was a less contact, not more. Interesting. Something to take note of myself. (Although it is nice to have someone thinking about me during the day.)

And, regarding this challenge, I feel like I finally can breathe. It's only the second day of November. I basically have two months before I have to worry about another date.

Is it possible that I won't actually find that man of my dreams through this experiment? It's looking that way.

Gosh, I hope Mr. December is fabulous.

J: Mr. Very-Last-Minute-Of-October

2010-10-31T18:40:00.006-07:00

Well...I did it!

I officially got in my October date, with just 6 hours to spare.

Despite my September 'hiccup', I am still on track to have a perfect dating record for the year.

Dinner was actually quite nice. He let me choose the appetizer and I went with the bruschetta. Turns out he doesn't eat tomatoes and didn't mention it until the plate was on the table. Oops. But the wine and the main course and the dessert were all quite lovely.

Mr. October is definitely, definitely, definitely into me. No doubt. And right now, my ego needs that. I'm not sure how my heart feels about it though.

Our second date is already set. He pretty much got those plans firmed up about 5 minutes into the mushroom ravioli.

As for taking it slowly...he was having none of that. At my car, I went for the hug. He went for the kiss. A great big, passionate one. I tried to ease back as un-rudely as I could. Because really it was too much, too soon. He did smell good though...

Have I mentioned...this guy is INTO me.

I already have gotten a text (not even 30 mins from when we left the restaurant) thanking me for the night, confirming our next plans and letting me know that he'd be in touch during the week.

Yeah. He's into me.

And isn't that the way that it works? If nothing else this has helped me see that there is nothing wrong with me. I am charming, I am pretty, I am bright. I am fun, I am funny, I am (after all this practice) a great date. I make eye contact and 'actively' listen and ask good questions and express interest and smile and laugh and tease and can even be a little bit vulnerable when it's called for. There is absolutely no reason to not fall head-over-heels for me.

Other than, perhaps, just my nasty little habit of only really being able to truly fall for the ones who are unable to fall back.

J: New Day

2010-10-31T08:03:00.006-07:00

It's a new day. New week. Almost a new month.

It's a gorgeous, sunny day. I'm getting ready to head out the door to meet a friend for church and then brunch. Might even go for a little bike ride this afternoon.

My hair is even behaving.

All this AND I have a date tonight.

I'm reminding myself that I wasn't all that super excited about Mr. September either (other than as a way to avoid Mr. May drama...which actually worked!) and look what that date led to.

Who knows, Mr. October might just be amazing.

Or, he won't and I'll have another story to tell.

J: Ninth Day

2010-10-30T11:08:00.003-07:00

Today is officially the 9th day since I did the breaking.

I'm tired of being broken.

According to my scientific calculations: one week + two days is enough time to recover from a one month + two week relationship.

Besides, attitude is all in the way that you choose to look at things, right?

So, I guess I'll allow myself a few more hours of "poor-Jane-what's-so-wrong-with-her-that-no-one-can-love-her" and a couple of hours of "did-I-make-a-huge-mistake" and maybe a half-hour of "I'll-be-all-alone-forever".

Which should carry me right into my tenth day and leave just enough time to pick up my spirits and put a smile on my face for Mr. October.

J: Sad

2010-10-29T15:48:00.005-07:00

I am way more sad than I should be.

My heart still hurts so badly.

It's been a week. Shouldn't I be over him by now?

All that I want is a phone call, a text, an email, hell...I'd take a post-it...saying that he misses me too...that his life is less bright without me in it.

Sheila reminds me that *I* was the one to reject *him*. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it just makes me think I'm a fool. I am the reason for all of my own sadness, afterall. Maybe he could have figured out how to love me. Maybeeeee????

But I'm not ever going to get that phone call. And that makes me sad. Because (let's all say it together) He. Just. Not. That. Into. Me.

I've seen his picture change on OKCupid, which means he's actively looking again. So much for "I really shouldn't be dating anyone right now". Yeah. Right. A gal pal says "Good! You want him to see how awful it is out there!" And I try to agree with her. I do try.

But I miss him. I miss the hug that I could have right now....after a terrible, awful day at work. I miss the mini-traditions that we were building. I miss having Christmas to look forward to...and his birthday to plan for...and even just checking the weather to see if it will be a good weekend for the lake.

I let myself get too deep.

And now, look...I have two dates ahead of me. I should be excited. I should have hope.

Sunday night I have dinner plans with another guy from OKCupid. (Hopefully nothing happens to change that...since I'm really pushing against the "October" boundary.) And Tuesday, I have lunch plans with Mr. Car Accident (hopefully soon to be renamed Mr. November).

I should be looking forward to getting to know these new gents. But already, I judge them by what I know about them compared to what I could have had....if I hadn't gotten impatient. If I hadn't thought it was so dern important to be adored. If I could have settled for "good enough".

Ugh. I gotta wipe away my tears, end this pity party and get outta here. It's doing me no good to sit around and mope about what coulda-been.

My boots are calling to me. It's time to go dance away these blues.

But, in the meantime, if anyone knows the secret to learning how to stop waiting for the phone to ring....I would pay good money for that intel.

J: Alone at Starbucks

2010-10-25T17:19:00.010-07:00

I just got stood up.

I should be on my coffee date right now with Mr. October. Instead, I’m sitting here at a bistro table for two, all by my lonesome, typing up a blog especially for you.

The potential Mr. October texted me 10 minutes before the agreed upon time to tell me that he was stuck in the middle of a car accident. Apparently, it happened two hours ago and the police was just now taking statements.

I can’t really take this personally. I was still on the road, myself, when he texted me to cancel. It’s not like he showed up, saw me, drove away and texted me with the oh-so-bad news.

Since I was fitting this date in before a dance class anyways I texted back expressing my surprise & concern but also letting him know that I had set my my heart on a pumpkin latte and still needed to kill an hour before class, so I’d be here with a book. He should show up if he finished up sooner than expected.

Basically, I left another door open. Man, it’s getting breezy in here…

While I haven’t really been looking forward to tonight…now that it’s not happening, I’m a little disappointed. Is it pathetic to say that I needed this date? Even if I was the one who did the breaking, my ego still hurts. It would have helped to be able to say that in less than 4 days (not even 92 hours!!!!), I was out with someone new.

Luckily, last night I got a message from another chap that I was chatting with via OKCupid, in my pre-Mr. September days who noticed that I was back online. He asked me out for dinner on Wednesday. Initially, I was going to try to push him off for a week…only so that he could have the illustrious title of Mr. November (for his own benefit, of course!) Now, I’m glad that I waited to respond. While I already have plans on Wednesday, Thursday might just become (conveniently) available.

And if we make that happen, I guess I could still say “less than a week”.

J: Mr. Maybe October

2010-10-24T09:53:00.003-07:00

I broke up with Mr. September on Thursday.

And this morning, I just made arrangements for a coffee date on Monday with the new Mr. October.

It looks like I’m not going to miss my October date after all. I’m not going to have to feed the piggy bank. I can maintain my perfect record for the year ‘o dating.

From the outside, there wasn’t a hiccup in this dating challenge at all.

From the outside, it’s almost as if Mr. September didn’t really mean anything more than Mr. August or Mr. February.

But he did.

From the inside, I’m still hurting & raw & still trying to understand why I wasn’t enough.

Granted, it made my ego feel a lot better to log back into OKCupid and find flocks of boys happy to see me back online…messaging me…chatting me up…asking me out. But is dating really a good idea when you consider that when my mind drifts to thoughts of Mr. September, I still get a little choked up?

I was supposed to be at church with Mr. September right now…at this very minute. It’s what we agreed to on Thursday night, during the lets-break-up-but-maybe-we-can-still-be-friends conversation. But after leaving his place, once I was on my own, I realized what a bad, bad idea "just friends" would be.

Going to church together and then lunch afterwards to discuss our thoughts and feelings around the pastor’s message? That’s pretty intimate. That’s not something that I would want to share with someone with whom I am trying not to expect to have any type of relationship at all.

So yesterday I texted letting him know that church wasn’t a good idea and that I’d be out late anyways and would most likely miss the early service that he was planning to attend. His response was “Okay, I hear ya…” Annnnd…that’s probably the end of Mr. September.

So…Hellllo Mr. October: cute, cute boy that I was flirting with pre-Mr. S. Apparently, he cooks. Bonus!

I don’t know if it’s a smart move but it’s what’s happening next. And, it has the added benefit of giving me something non-Mr. September to think about and look forward to.

And that is quite possibly exactly what I need right now.

J: Broken

2010-10-23T08:52:00.008-07:00

I really don’t want to write this.

I’m not completely sure, actually, how to do it.

Maybe, I just come out and say it…

I broke up with Mr. September on Thursday night.

Yes, the wonderful, fantastic, perfect, cute, charming, splendid Mr. September. I broke up with him.

Really, it came down to the fact that he just doesn’t like me enough. He tried. He made a valiant effort. In his head he thinks I’m perfect. In his heart, he’s cold. I deserve better.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve just felt like something was wrong, and I couldn’t seem to do anything right to fix it.

Since we decided to back off…to slow down, I’ve been adrift. What does it really mean to slow down? How do you stop a train that’s already sped away? Over the past two weeks, I’ve subconsciously been putting him in a ‘friend’ box to try to protect my heart. But is that the relationship I want? It hasn’t even been TWO MONTHS! Where are the sparks, the electricity, the goofy grins, the unicorns & glitter?

It was absolutely there at the beginning. And it’s not like I expect that excitement to be there forever.

But isn’t this supposed to be the fun part? Isn’t everything supposed to be easy at this early stage? Do I just accept that I don’t get the excitement anymore? That I’m not worthy of the new-relationship thrill? That I don’t deserve someone who thinks I’m fantastic?

So, I rationalized: He has too much going on. He still hasn’t healed from his last relationship. He wasn’t into me as much as I was into him. I was trying too hard. We weren’t connecting, emotionally. Maybe if I tried just a little bit harder…

I changed who I was for him and he was still pulling away. And from that "friend" place, I just couldn't see the path to "love" let alone to a future. It just wasn’t going to work.

So I ended it.

And here I am, two days later, and I don’t regret it.

I’m proud of myself that I’m the one who made the call. I had to be the one to start the conversation…to say the words: “This just isn’t working”. I could have let this drift for days, weeks…maybe even months, but it would have happened eventually. Why not bite the bullet now and get it over with so that we can stop wasting time and both move on?

He didn’t disagree. I think that he was actually relieved.

We left it that once he gets his shit together, IF he still wants to date me and IF I’m still available, he can call and ask me out properly. He can chase me. We can start over from scratch…slowly this time. We can try to do this again, the right way.

But honestly, I'm not holding my breath. I just don’t see that happening.

He still wants to be my friend.

But I don’t see that happening either.

Knowing where he's at mentally, a friendship between the two of us would be the equivalent of an emotional booty call. (Why buy the cow...?)

So… I’m sad. Very sad. But if I look at the big picture, it’s just been a month and a half of my life. (I technically, could still fit in a Mr. October and still not miss a single month of this damn challenge.) Besides...I’m a divorcee. I’ve been through much harder break-ups than this.

I still think the guy is fabulous and I hate to lose him from my life. As great as he is (or maybe I should say 'was')…maybe there’s someone even better out there for me. But, in my current state of mind, I’m not feeling a ton of hope.

So. There. This post has been written. My “to do” for the day is done. I’m going to curl back up into myself and hopefully find sleep again.

Maybe when I wake up I’ll feel a little more hope…a little less sad…a little more me.

S: Mr. October's Second Chance

2010-10-21T10:16:00.004-07:00

Have you ever been on a date and been telling your date about a job you interviewed for that you really hoped you would get and then, at that very moment, actually gotten the call about said job only to hear that you did not get it...while on your date?

Well now I can say I have.

Yes, Mr. October got to witness poor Sheila not getting a job she really needed to get. And he got to witness her putting on her smile mask and doing her best to enjoy the afternoon and not be completely freaked out about every aspect of her life.

Hopefully he was impressed by the show.

This was our date number two. My automatic second chance afforded to any guy who isn’t a jerk who seems like he may deserve a chance after date number one. There is always hope for date number two, but never much expectation.

The first thing I noticed was that he seemed more attractive this time. I don’t know why, but he did. His hair was different. And he seemed more relaxed. This time I was pleasantly surprised to find myself thinking, “Hmmmm…not too shabby.”

We had lunch at a place I suggested where he had never eaten. This time, it was my turn to provide him with his first experience somewhere. And then I had to be difficult and order something that wasn’t on the lunch menu. I tried to be really charming about it so he wouldn’t think I was all Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally.”

Lunch wasn’t bad. Well…except for the part when I found out I didn’t get the job I needed to get and got all distracted and worried about paying bills. Other than that, we did o.k. at conversation. It was still a little bit of work, but again, it seemed like he was more relaxed and talked more. I didn’t feel like I was so much in the spotlight.

And he was so sympathetic about the job.

After lunch we went to see an exhibit at a museum that we were both interested in. This is actually a pretty good early date activity. There is ample opportunity to talk to each other, but other stuff to focus on to keep the silence from feeling awkward. And an exhibit provides good topics of conversation and an opportunity to learn things about each other that may not necessarily come out in chats over meals.

The exhibit was very interesting and the date went better than I expected it would. It felt more comfortable. It also went on way longer than I thought it would. In fact, we were there for hours. Poor Mr. October had to run out and feed our meters twice. He refused to allow me to go take care of my own.

By the time we got done at the exhibit, it was dinner time. He asked if I was hungry and wanted to grab another bite with him. I was preoccupied about the job thing and had a million things to do at home, so I hesitated, but then I figured why not. If he wants to buy me dinner, we might as well see how this goes. Why not have one of those dates that just goes on for hours? Even if I'm aware that it's going on for hours and not surprised by that fact later.

We got to his car first as we were walking and discussing further plans. We decided on a dinner place and he handed me something he had for me in his car. This time he had brought me two red roses.

Awww. Sweet.

I accepted them gladly. I have to admit, he was making what could have been a rather sucky afternoon much better.

We met back up at our chosen dinner spot and sat down for another meal. Again, the conversation was o.k., but we still found it somewhat difficult to come up with things to talk about. It didn’t seem interminable or anything. Just, you know, not comfortable like old friends.

We got done eating and he wanted to do more. I just couldn’t. I really needed to get home and set my mind at ease about my life. I was just too preoccupied. I apologized for that and he was very understanding. We stood in the parking lot and made that sort of goodbye conversation you make when someone isn’t quite ready to go but there’s nothing left to do.

He was obviously trying to assess the situation and whether or not he should kiss me. If my non-verbal communication was any clue, the answer was that he should not. I am so not ready for that and I thought I did a good job of keeping my hands very clearly to myself the whole time so he wouldn’t get any ideas.

He hugged me twice and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. I’m glad I didn’t have to refuse anything more. That always sucks.

Later that evening, as I was at home not having the best time, he texted that he had been trying to figure out if he should kiss me and hoped that he hadn’t made me uncomfortable. I replied that he hadn’t made me uncomfortable but that it was good he didn’t do anything more.

I told him that it was difficult to explain in a text but it is very early and I don’t know where I am with all of this and things are rather complicated for me right now.

He sent one word: Understood.

Then nothing more from him.

Later, feeling bad about my distraction in the afternoon and the fact that it really had helped being with him, I told him he had made what could have been a very bad afternoon rather good.

I got another single word reply: Ditto.

It was unusual for him not to send more. Oh well. There goes Mr. October.

The next morning I felt bad so I texted and asked if I had scared him away. He said that of course I hadn’t. We exchanged a few more messages about nothing in particular and then he sent a message saying that whoever I’m hung up on needs to get smart and realize what a gem I am.

He totally called it. Out of nowhere. I’m not sure how he came to that conclusion, but he certainly hit the nail on the head. And I was relieved. He gets it. And he understands.

We’re still communicating, although I still don’t know where my head is. He has assured me he’s not looking for someone to be a mom for his kids, just someone to hang out with. And yet, the way he talks to me, I feel like just hanging out with him will lead him on.

But it’s so good to have a distraction. And somebody who might be able to help me fix my snowblower.

He hasn’t asked to see me again. And that’s probably good. I haven’t had to make any refusal. But, I suppose the next time we get together, if there is a next time, it should be to chat about me not wanting to get involved with anyone. And then he has to decide if that means he wants to fade back into the ether.

He’s a good guy. He shouldn’t waste his time on me while I try to get my life to settle down.

Despite the roses and compliments, I don’t see this going anywhere. I can’t imagine having strong feelings for him. I can’t see us down the road.

So when and how do I get out of the car?

S: Mr. October...IDK

2010-10-18T12:23:00.004-07:00

There were messages. There were texts. There were arrangements.

There was lunch.

Oh, Mr. October, please don’t be so into me. I’m not ready for that. I can’t deal with that. I don’t deserve that.

I’m not available for that.

First off, the verdict is in. Mr. October is not a player. I had wondered from the shear quantity and kindness of his compliments if he was just feeding me lines. Sounding cute and flattering me so I would feel good and get easy.

It’s obvious, judging by how sweet and nervous and genuine he was at lunch, that he is not playing.

He’s serious.

Too serious.

A player would have been easier to handle. A player would be prepared for rejection.

I showed up at the restaurant right on time. I actually had to drive around a bit so I didn’t show up early because I was rather concerned about being late. There was a car in the lot that matched his description of his vehicle, so I assumed it was him. The windows were tinted so I couldn’t tell if he was in the car or in the restaurant.

I got out of my car and walked toward his. He got out. He was cute, but not quite what I was expecting from his pics. This seems to be a trend with me. I must have some sort of weird picture handicap.

He, being amazingly kind, told me I was even more beautiful in person. This was very flattering. But made me feel bad because I was thinking not the same of him. Not that he wasn’t a good looking fellow, but not better than I was expecting.

Also, he brought me a single red rose. Which was so sweet. But felt like too much. It made it feel like this date was a really big deal to him. That he was so appreciative that I would have lunch with him that he had to bring me something as an offering.

I love getting flowers. I really do. But this didn’t feel as good as it should have. I don’t want to be that special to him.

We both went for the hug. I wasn’t sure how the first interaction was going to go down, but a hug seemed appropriate after our digital exchanges. It felt like we knew each other already. The hug wasn’t weird or awkward, but didn’t set off any sparks or Brady Bunch rockets.

We went into a very empty restaurant and sat down for our first date.

The one thing about this date that stands out the most in my mind was that Mr. October was very quiet. It felt like he just sat there and stared at me for most of lunch. Maybe this should be flattering. As though he were so enamored by me that he couldn’t do anything *but* stare. But really it just felt like a lot of pressure. Like I was in the spotlight having to put on a show.

I’m buying you lunch, entertain me.

Usually I’m not the kind of person who feels the need to fill every silence, but on a first date, silences are awkward. Especially when there is not another soul in the restaurant. There’s just too much room for your mind to wander and for you to make yourself anxious about how badly it’s going. Even if it really isn’t going badly.

Plus, I like the conversation to flow. I like to have one of those talks where everything leads to the next topic or you just keep finding out you have random things in common which sparks further conversation. We had a little of that, but it still felt like work. There was a lot of “O.k…what do we talk about next?”

And, it was lunch. I get hungry. Sometimes I want to stop talking and actually eat. I would ask him questions hoping to get him talking so I could mow down on my plate full of food, but then he would answer briefly and we’d chew in silence. Then it was back to me. Afterward I felt really bad for monopolizing the conversation. I really do prefer to focus on the other person and not be Talky Talkerson. Maybe he’s the same way and he just won this time.

In general, he came off as a very gentle, sweet, polite guy. He was a complete gentleman to me. When I got my salad but told him I refused to eat because he didn’t yet have any food, he proceeded to snack on a breadstick so I would feel comfortable eating. Even though he had a giant sandwich coming that he had already said he wouldn’t be able to finish because it was so huge.

And he was nice to the server, which I like. But, almost too nice, like a pushover. I can’t tell if this is because the day before I made a comment in a text that I would only be disappointed if he turned out to be a jerk and one of the signs of a jerk in the midst is someone who is not nice to the server. So I’m not sure if he was trying to be careful in that regard. I’m all for being polite and saying thank you and listening and not blowing the server off, but I also don’t think you have to be apologetic about being served. And if she forgets to bring something you asked for, by all means, ask her to bring it. Just be nice about it.

I had to text him later and tell him I won’t think he’s a jerk if he asks the server to bring cream and sugar for his coffee if she forgets. He was impressed that I even noticed and then said he didn’t mind not having it because my company was sweet enough.

See what I mean? So nice. But it feels too nice. What am I supposed to do with that? This constant flow of compliments makes me feel like he’s just way too into me. That he’s trying very hard to woo me because he’s so serious about this going somewhere.

I’m not ready for that.

Other signs he may be way too into me and serious about this:

He did indeed pull his profile off of the dating site. As in, no more wanting to meet anyone. No more looking for a date. Found. Eeek. Please still want to date other people, Mr. October.
He actually mentioned in conversation that he felt like his kids needed a feminine influence in their lives. Eeek. Don’t tell me you’re looking for someone for the kids. I can’t be that for you.
When he asked what made me move here and I went through the whole I-moved-here-for-a-guy-but-now-that’s-over story (which I hate having to tell on a first date), he said that he was very glad that I was here. Which he had also said during a previous text conversation when he asked if I was from here. Eeek. Please don’t be that happy that I’m here. I mean, who cares? Not ever meeting me would have been o.k. too.
And the staring. Oh, the staring. It seriously felt like he couldn’t believe we were there having lunch together. Eeek. Believe it. It’s just lunch. It’s just me.

I feel bad because all of these things are very sweet and I should probably be more receptive to them. In fact, if they were coming from a certain someone else, I probably would be. But coming from someone I barely know, who I’m not sure I have much interest in, at a time when I don’t want to get myself involved in something big, these things are very scary and make me nervous.

Saying farewell to Mr. October is going to be tough. It seems like he doesn’t do this very often and he could be easily damaged. At some point he told me this was the first time he had ever gone on a date with someone he had never met before. He’s not out there doing this thing. I don’t think he’s got that thick skin you get when you’re dating that makes the rejection part not such a big deal. When you’re dating people, you don’t allow yourself to get this into someone this early in the process. You hold back for a bit while you see how things are going to go.

I really wish he’d hold back. Because I don’t feel a strong connection with him. He just now called me on the phone and it felt like we didn’t have much to say to each other. But, he’s a good guy and he deserves a second date. Things are awkward when you first meet someone. Sometimes it takes a while to get on common ground.

So, at the end of our lunch, when we discussed a second date for what is now this week, I was amenable. Maybe he’ll be more comfortable now that we’ve met. Maybe doing something other than sitting and staring at each other over a table and some breadsticks will make things less awkward. Maybe I’ll feel a connection.

Maybe.

My Spidey Sense tells me that I need to be prepared for an invitation to a third date and have a response ready. Although, before I see how things go on our second date, I have no idea what that response will be. But I’m guessing that at some point we’ll have to chat over coffee about how I’m not in the right place for the kind of relationship he has in mind.

And then I’ll wait to see what November brings.

S: I Had a Feeling

2010-10-15T12:02:00.004-07:00

I had a date yesterday and guess who randomly emerged from the woodwork.

You got it.

Guy.

I haven't seen him in two weeks and haven't communicated with him since the exchange of a couple of "our football team sucks" texts last Saturday night. I've been laying low waiting to see if he'll reach out to me. I needed space. He needed space. Whatever we have left between us needed room to breathe.

I've been very strong. Every time I wanted to reach out and share something with him, I resisted. Which was rather difficult. But I wanted that feeling of having him be the one who could no longer stand the silence. I wanted him to miss my brand of sunshine in his life. I kept telling myself it would feel really good to hear from him without prompting it.

And...it...did.

But not quite as much as I thought it would.

I was at an event last night and as it was finishing up, I happened to check my phone because I had exchanged a few messages with Mr. October. When I glanced at it I saw two new texts. One from Mr. October and one from Guy.

This was completely unexpected. Well...not *completely*. I had a strong feeling all day that I might hear from him. And, somehow, I almost always know what's going through his head.

His message was casual, just inquiring about the event, which he saw in one of my Facebook updates. Proving that he is curious enough to check up on me through Facebook. (I, however, have had to block his updates. I can't stand seeing him in pictures at events he should be taking me to. And I fear seeing him with someone new.)

We spent the rest of the night texting back and forth. Not always in the most innocent of ways. BUT, I did not go over. I didn't want to. Right now I'm feeling like the only thing that will get me over there are the words "I miss you. Can we talk?"

I've just made too much progress moving on in the last two weeks. Being with him just makes it harder to forget what it's like being with him and loving him. Absence is helping the heart grow fungus (that and me REALLY talking myself out of him). If I go over there now, it'll be August again.

I think hitting the two month mark made some things clear. I should be way more past this and I'm not. Because I keep being a part of it.

He reached out because he misses me. I know that. But he also reached out because he hasn't had his needs met for a couple of weeks. I'm not sure which is the stronger urge for him. The urge to have me in his life or the urge to have me in his bed. I wish it were the former, but I fear it is the latter.

I have the same urges, but I want life over bed.

I still really want to hear those words.

That's getting in the way of FWB.

We're still sending messages today. He's clearly still having urges. Fortunately I have plans tonight and tomorrow night, so giving in to him will be nearly impossible. It's difficult because his urges give me urges, but the lack of him in my life still remains and I can't forget how far I've come.

I want him to want the whole package and all its contents. Not just the box to play with.

S: Double Update

2010-10-13T20:28:00.004-07:00

I have two updates for you this evening. Neither one of them involves Guy.

I know, right?

Update 1: Mr. September

Mr. September has been set free. And, yes, I did it by text.

Before you judge me…he asked the question via text, so why is it wrong for me to supply the answer via text? It’s not like I hung up on him and then texted him. Or he asked me in person and I said “yes” and then texted “no.”

Ask in a text…get an answer in a text. Fair’s fair, right?

I haven’t heard much from Mr. September since last week. I was hoping he had come to the realization that we just weren’t going to be a thing and I wouldn’t hear from him any more. But then, every now and then I would get a message from him about not much of anything. Just little check-ins. I would say “D’oh!” to myself and reply in kind.

Again, early this week I stopped hearing from him and figured he finally got it. Until this evening when he checked in once more. And then…he asked if I would be interested in getting together again.

There it was. The question. Would I be interested?

No. I would not.

I wrestled over the text thing until I made the decision I described above. I had thought it would be more classy to call and tell him we weren’t going to be, but he texted, so I replied. After a text question, a call would have seemed like a bigger deal than it needed to be.

Basically, I told him that I didn’t feel like we had connected. I was surprised we hadn’t, but we hadn’t. I told him I didn’t see this going anywhere and I didn’t want to take up his time or give him false ideas. Then I told him I hoped he could respect that.

He’s at a movie tonight, so I haven’t heard anything. I don’t really expect to. I mean, we went on two dates, so it’s not like we had a big thing going.

As I sent the text, I said to the universe, “Goodbye, nice boy.” I’m guessing this is not the last time I will have to say that to the universe. If not to an actual boy.

And now, on to the fun stuff…

Update 2: Mr. October

Onward and upward. I think. But who knows? We’ve never met. But we certainly connect in text. And at this point, I’m very curious about the guy who could so totally distract me from The Guy.

Because he has.

Totally.

And even if we don’t go on more than one date, he seems like an awesome guy to know. I’d like an opportunity to make my way into his world a little bit.

Finally, today, after about a week of messages and two days of pretty regular texting (as in, first in the morning to last at night), he asked if I would be up for a lunch date sometime soon.

Lunch is better for him because he’s a full time dad. But then he also mentioned he would be available next Tuesday evening for a while if that worked better for me.

My daytime schedule has been way too open lately, so I told him I could do just about anything that would work for him. He mentioned having a project that was keeping him pretty busy, so I figured we would have to work around his schedule more than mine.

I also figured we’d have to wait until next week because he mentioned that he was pretty busy this week. But then suddenly lunch tomorrow was on the table.

Bwahahaha! “On the table.” Get it? I kill me.

Lunch tomorrow sounded great to me. I really want to meet this guy. I don’t think I could have made arrangements for a date next week and then waited days and days for it to happen. I gotta know if we connect. He has piqued my interest.

Well done, Octy. Well done.

Hey! I have an October date scheduled! I really didn’t think I would. I wasn’t going to ask anyone and I wasn’t going to work it to get anyone to ask me. I was just going to let October pass. The dating thing was making me miss Guy too much.

And now, much to my delight, there is a date in my lap. (ahh yeah) Where it fell. Without any effort. Well, beyond taking a good picture and posting clever profile answers on the internet. And being all cute in my messages. Which is SUPER hard.

I have a date tomorrow!

Apparently I’m a little excited about this. And nervous. He thinks my pictures are pretty, but what if he doesn’t think I’m pretty in person? He seems really into me, but what if I’m not very interesting in person? What if we have nothing to talk about? What if I’m disappointing to him?

Wait. He’s just October. I’ve enjoyed our digital exchanges, but if we don’t connect in person, it’s not like we’ve lost anything. I’ll need a new distraction, but maybe not as much any more.

But, wait again, what if he’s into me but I’m not into him? I really REALLY hope that doesn’t happen. I hope, whatever goes on, it’s mutual.

And he still thinks I’m pretty.

Update of the Updates

First, I noticed on OkCupid tonight that Mr. October has removed his profile. Hmmmm...done looking? Interesting.

And second, this just in…Mr. September sent a reply.

He said that he understood but that it was a pity. (smiley face included) He wished me luck and told me to take care. I replied that it is indeed a pity and that he too should take care.

Only two more months. Thankfully. Then back to spinsting.

J: Please remind me

2010-10-13T20:20:00.003-07:00

When I go to that place that I was in today...

You know the one...

Where nothing seems to go your way.
Where there's no sun, just dark clouds and doom.
Where just being 'you' is not enough.
Where the universe seems out to get you.
Where the future is not necessarily a place that you're looking forward to getting to.
Where there is absolutely nothing about yourself that is charming or the least little bit attractive.

Remind me, please...that I just need to pull on my boots and go dancing.

Today was not a good day. I was completely planning to go home and go to bed. But my car knew better than I did and I suddenly found myself at my (long neglected) favorite dance hall.

My worries drifted away with the quick-quick-slow-slow. A smile took up residence on my face. My straight hair curled in the most un-becoming way...and I didn't care.

I danced to every single song until breathless and sweaty, the clouds drifted away.

I re-found my confidence. I re-found my sexy. I re-found me.

I'm just asking for a reminder, here, friends...if you see me going 'there' again.

It's an easy fix...just...don't let me forget.

S: OkStupid

2010-10-13T08:32:00.005-07:00

Well, if nothing else, I certainly feel like I’m getting a lot of good material out of my online dating experience thus far. At this point, I think OkCupid is not the right name for this site. I’m calling it OkStupid.

First of all, it has become obvious that I already know all of the single guys in my city. I just keep finding more and more people I have either met or know through our healthy local social media network. This frightens me. I think I was dumped by the last decent single guy in town I hadn’t already met. Dammit.

So, basically, from what I can tell, this really is just like being at a bar without having to put on pants and leave the house. (That’s a plus…pants are lame.) Same characters. Same lines. Same need to chew off one’s leg and escape as soon as possible.

I’m not sure why I took the time to get all judgey and fill out the detailed mate criteria survey. I’m not a fan of categorizing who I’d like to be with in the first place, but figure that’s what this kind of social experiment is for. I mean, in a bar, you can’t just hold up a sign indicating who should and should not approach you.

Except, in spite of this, I keep getting messages from men who do not fit my selected criteria at all. Hi, you live in Arkansas. Why would I be remotely interested in you? Umm…you’re 50 and appear to weigh about 367 pounds. Really? Do you want me to reject you that badly? Read the profile. Understand.

And furthermore, what part of my cleverly written profile makes you think that sending me a message consisting of just (read with your best dumb puppy voice) “YOU’RE PRETTY” will be at all interesting to me? Try harder or don’t be offended when you don’t get anything back.

One (rather hot) guy, who I had not ever communicated with, sent me his phone number and suggested I come to his house and watch TV and he would play with my kitty. Subtle. I wonder what he had in mind. Do I seem that easy in my profile? Perhaps I should add “Things I’m not good at: Hooking up.” Actually, I suppose I should have gone over and gotten my monthly date out of the way. (Couldn’t even type that with a straight face.)

One guy who lives a couple hours away seemed fun at first but now has the stink of desperation. Long messages. Deep questions. Really crushy. Always trying to chat. BAH! Back off! It has now become clear that I’m going to have to blow him off. He’s getting way too into this. Unfortunately, since we’re not at a bar, I can’t do this by just getting up and escaping to the ladies’ room. I hate being rude, but he’s the kind who won’t go away if you’re not mean. “So you’re saying there’s a chance.”

One guy seemed interesting, mature and fun at first but then immediately started talking about my ass. Which apparently he has already imagined. An image I’m sure I could never live up to. And since when is it ok to discuss a complete stranger’s ass with her?! Call me old fashioned but(t) no thanks.

One guy was clearly very proud of the size of his genitalia. His cock has been blocked.

Mostly I now have a whole new inbox to keep up with. Every day I have a brand new pile of guys to reject. I don’t know if I should ignore them, or be nice and say something. If I ignore them, I’m a bitch. But if I respond, it only encourages them. For now, I ignore most of them and answer anyone who seems to have half a brain because I just can’t keep up with all the random pick-up lines and scary profiles.

At least at the bar, I can just leave. “Uh oh, I think I hear my mom calling me. Gotta go.”

Coincidentally, what you don’t learn in a bar is how bad most of these guys are at communicating with the written word.

MEN OF THE WORLD: YOUR is possessive…YOU’RE is a contraction of YOU ARE.

My updated profile shall specify this.

I wish you could see some of the messages I get and some of the profiles I come across. It’s an interesting pastime really. I encourage you to sign up, whether or not you are looking for someone to hang out with, just so you can experience what I’m experiencing. It’s good for a giggle.

And I can’t wait until this challenge is over and I can remove myself from the meat case.

Ugh.

S: The New Now

2010-10-12T20:58:00.002-07:00

Today marks 2 months. For the first time, it actually feels like it's been a while and it didn't just happen yesterday.

I was thinking I would send him a message today. You know, to highlight the occasion. But I have nothing to say. I would respond if reached out to, but I can't think of anything I want to tell him.

So I remain silent.

And he doesn't seem to miss me.

And I seem to miss him less.

He's fading.

This is the passage of time I was anxious for. And keeping my distance has helped.

As has Potential Mr. October.

I guess the only thing to do is keep moving forward. And see what the world looks like at the 3 month mark.

Go, Time...go.

S: Maybe a Mr. October...ctd.

2010-10-12T06:49:00.001-07:00

My potential Mr. October continues to be cute and sweet and interesting.

And he's THIS close to arranging a date. He keeps asking about what I like to do and eat and then randomly giving me insight into his schedule.

Let's make it happen, Octy. I don't want to sweat it 'til the end.

Yesterday he sent me his digits, which I utilized to set off a nice day of exchanging text messages. You know how Sheila loves her texting.

Our digital conversation was so engaging that he almost made me forget that today is the two month mark.

Until he texted something complimentary and sounded just like Guy. And it made me cry a little bit. Because it was so sweet. And it wasn't coming from the right male of the species.

It feels weird to be remotely interested in someone else. Even at this early "I'm just curious" stage. I kind of feel like I'm cheating on Guy. Like I'm supposed to be holding out for him to change his mind. Like I'm supposed to believe that there really isn't someone else out there who could be good for me. That if I move on, I'll be destroying something. I'll be officially closing the door on Guy and Sheila.

It's almost like I want someone to call him and tell him he really is about to lose me, so if he's going to come to any kind of realization, now's the time. Because it feels like it would be kind of sad to move on.

But that's ridiculous. And I know it.

I'm not saying that this October guy is going to turn into anything. That's not where I am right now. But he does make it possible for the "ding ding" of a new text from someone other than Guy to illicit a cheesy grin. And he makes it seem possible to imagine a non-Guy guy being satisfactory. He also makes it seem possible that someone super hot other than Guy could actually find me desirable.

I guess for the first time it feels like the car really isn't going to turn around. Perhaps my head and heart are finally starting to communicate again.

J: Yours, Mine, Ours

2010-10-11T17:06:00.002-07:00

I don’t know how to do this.

I have lots of practice with dating but very little practice with actual relationships.

Okay… yeah…I was married for five years… but that was seven years ago! I’ve been single much longer than I was ever married. Besides, don’t they say, that in 7 years the body completely regenerates itself? That your cells remake themselves completely after 7 years? Seven years is a long long time.

In this relationship, (because, yes, I am giving us that 'relationship' label) I’m just not sure exactly how to just be.

I freak out on Monday morning after spending the entire weekend with him, when I look back and think that it might have been a little bit too much. But during the weekend I don’t want to be anywhere else…I can’t imagine being anywhere else.

There’s “Yours”. There’s “Mine”. And there’s “Ours”.

I had the “mine” figured out. I was happy and completely comfortable with the “mine”. I liked the “mine.” But at this point, I’d much, much rather have the “ours”. And it scares me that I would even consider that as a choice.

I know that the “yours” is important too. I know that I can’t crowd or smother or take away too much of the “yours” but…really…I just want more and more of that delicious “ours” and I want him to want it too.

How much of the “yours” can I claim and how much of the “mine” can I give up before we both lose that something that makes the “ours” so magical?

Can I tell him how I’m feeling about this without ending up sounding desperately needy?

Can I even allow myself to be vulnerable enough with him to admit that I’m feeling just a little bit lost and freaked out about all of this?

He’s the one who brought up the “we need to slow down” discussion. Buuuuuut, he’s the one calling me his ‘girlfriend’. He’s the one talking about Christmas. He’s the one who offered me a DRAWER in his bedroom this weekend.

Help! What do I do? Let it ride? Keep doing what I’m doing? Stifle my crazy a little bit longer? Not let on that this whole thing is making me a bit nutzo?

Or…can I open that crazy box lid just a little? Can I trust him with this discussion? Would sharing THIS be “too fast”? Is THIS expecting too much too quickly?

Errrrgggg…single is easy. Dating is hard. Relationships...whew...relationships seem impossibly challenging right now.

S: Maybe a Mr. October

2010-10-10T22:32:00.002-07:00

I have pretty much decided that I'm not going to chase after a Mr. October. This dating thing is just way too hard still. All it does is remind me that I'm not with the person I want to be with. This fact is easy to ignore when I'm focused on other aspects of my life, but as soon as I have to think about dating, it's all back in the front of my mind.

BUT, if a Mr. October just happened to fall in my lap...woohoo! Wouldn't that be good times? Mr. October right there in my lap. Especially if it happened to be the hunk of love I am now exchanging messages with online.

His first message to me arrived with no profile information and no pic. The message was flattering, but generic and requested I email him and he'd send a photo if I was interested. Feeling a bit on the snarky side that evening, I sent him a snappy little message back explaining that I was curious because he did not seem to exist and I was pretty sure he was just trying to get my email address so he could sell me discount pharmaceuticals and toner cartridges. I told him I was covered in the pharma and toner department but if he could convince me he was real, we could see what might happen.

I figured I wouldn't hear back from him. My sassypants usually keep out the riffraff.

He bit. He responded that he did exist but that he was shy about putting a bunch of information online. He told me a little more about himself and said some more complimentary things about me. More specific compliments. Including about my hair.

And we all know what a sucker I am if a person likes my hair.

Before I had a chance to compose a reply, I received another message from him saying he was filling out his profile so I would believe he existed. Which just made him seem more cute. Like he was actually trying to earn my interest and not just looking for an easy target.

O.k., at this point, I will admit that he does fit the profile of the online player my male friend warned me about. Seems sort of shy and awkward, but is really just faking it as a way of being smooth. But what do I care? I just need someone to ask me to go get a coffee. I'm not going home with him. He can be a player if he wants to be. Doesn't matter to me. If he's playing, he'll get bored with me quickly anyway.

I checked out what he had done to make me believe in him. The newly added photos helped pique my interest. (Somebody works out.) And his profile seemed fine enough. He does a good job of making himself sound like a good guy, while not seeming to be trying too hard. He also seems like a very busy guy. He's got kids and I get the impression they spend most of their time with him, so he's not free a lot in the evenings or on the weekends. This is certainly fine with me as I don't really feel like getting involved with anyone at this point. I need a date, not a mate.

So he's cute. He thinks I'm pretty. He likes my hair. He can put up with my attitude. And he pretends to be surprised that I'm even communicating with him at all. Sounds like a perfectly good Mr. October to me.

Now I just have to keep him messaging until he suggests we meet. I'm not sure how long this will take, but the month is young. If I can get a coffee date out of him, the $4 I spend on a latte will definitely be a better investment than the $10 I was intending to pay the piggy. And I bet his conversation is better than the piggy's too.

Hopefully.

J: He liiiiiikes me!

2010-10-07T16:47:00.002-07:00

It’s true.

We had a fabulous date last night. (Truly, a DATE…all of that...it wasn't just a line!)

He picked me up from dance classes and took me out for a very, very expensive dinner downtown, bottle of champagne, fabulous dessert (Basil ice cream?!?…Serious yum, people!) and fascinating conversation followed by singing at the top of our lungs in a piano bar and a delicious makeout session…which led to…more… including a sleepless night and exhausted but ridiculously smiley day.

I like this man.

He likes me.

We’re still “taking it slow”…whatever that means.

If “slow” is more dates like last night…I’ll take it!

S: Mr. September...Still Meh

2010-10-07T06:29:00.002-07:00

Lunch was had.

The post could pretty much end there...that's how special it was. But who am I to be concise?

With little enthusiasm, but the determination to give the guy a solid second chance, I met Mr. September at the appointed lunch spot. He went for a hug and I did the sort of arm around, half hug thing. I just don't want to hug the guy.

The place was crowded and I noticed a local joint across the street that he had to try if he had never had their food before, so I asked if he wanted to relocate. He was up for it, so off we went. We had to hop in our cars to cross the busy, suburban commercial district street.

It is a this time that I notice we drive the same kind of car. Yet another thing in common. Why do I have no interest in this person?

We got there, he noticed we drive the same car and seemed delighted by the commonality. I’m thinking, “Crap, he thinks we have all this stuff in common, so this thing is really working.” We made our stuff-in-common commentary and went inside to feed our faces.

He immediately indicated that lunch was on him, which again I thought was very kind. As much as I appreciate chivalry, I still don’t find myself expecting a guy to pay every time. It’s nice when he does. It indicates a level of good treatment that is attractive, no matter the situation.

We got our food and sat down to munch on local deliciousness and work on some chit chat. And that’s what it was…work. Once again, it just felt a little awkward. We have a lot in common, yet our conversation doesn’t flow. We don’t seem to really connect. It was like having lunch with someone you are interviewing for a job with.

I keep wondering why the messages from him were so cute and entertaining, but talking to him is awkward and stunted and uninteresting. What I have realized is that the conversation isn't much different from an email. Paragraph. pause. Paragraph. pause. Paragraph...you get it. No flow. No back and forth exchange. Toss it up...knock it down. Pause for reload.

The whole date just wasn’t that great. In fact, thinking it had been more than an hour and that I needed to get on with my day’s activities, I checked my phone and made noises about needing to leave only to realize it hadn’t even been an hour. I just didn’t feel like staying. I wasn’t engaged.

With my last two boyfriends, the dates always went on forever. Even though we didn’t have all this stuff in common, the conversations would be so engaging that it was hard to end the evening. With this guy, every lull is an opportunity to start gnawing my leg off where it’s caught in the trap.

Finally, I said that I really had to go. I did have some things I needed to accomplish, so it wasn’t a lie. We made our way outside and then stood and talked some more. Because he wouldn’t just go.

At some point he had asked about my plans for the weekend. Halfway through telling him I didn’t have much on the calendar, I realized he was fishing for my availability, so I started going into all the things on my 'to do' list. And, in all reality, there is a lot I need to get done this weekend, so again, no lie.

At my car he asked about seeing a movie if I had some time over the weekend.

Dammit!

I told him I wasn’t sure. That it all depended on some things I was trying to get worked out today that I needed to focus on if I couldn’t get them figured out. He recovered by saying that he would probably lose track of the weekend doing yard work.

And then, after a bit more awkward conversation, he went for the hug again. Ugh. This time he held on and did the extra squeeze thing.

O.k., seriously, what is this guy feeling? Do these encounters not feel awkward to him? Does this actually seem to be going well in his mind? Because, no kidding, I…feel…nothing. If I never saw or heard from him again, I would not be disappointed. Not that he’s a repulsive person, but there’s just nothing between us.

And now, the new challenge is that we have reached the point at which I need to tell him nothing’s going to happen. Later in the afternoon after lunch, he texted asking if I wanted to go see a show next week. I asked if I could get back to him.

The deal is, I can’t let him buy me a ticket to a show…no matter how much I would love to go…because I know I don’t want to go with him and it’s way too much for him to spend on me for no reason.

So I have to strap on a pair and call him and tell him this is the end of the road. Which sucks. But I can’t lead him on. That’s not fair.

Besides, as Jane so astutely pointed out to me, if he’s already going for the hug, the next thing on his list is a kiss.

Noooooooo!

So long, Mr. September.

Why am I doing this again? When can I crawl back under my spinster rock?

S: Mr. September...Take 2

2010-10-04T20:52:00.002-07:00

I'm giving Mr. September another chance. Mostly because he asked if I wanted to get lunch and lunch is one of my 6 favorite meals, so how could I resist?

Actually, I figure he deserves another chance. We have a lot in common, and his messages and texts make me giggle. You would think there would be something there. Right? Seriously, on paper, it should be the most fun ever.

Too bad I'm dead inside.

O.k., it's possible I'm being a tad melodramatic.

But really, I'm not sure how it will go. Despite the fun messages, the first get together lacked sparkle and felt awkward. But it was late. I was tired and distracted by the delicious street vendor food. Maybe this time we'll connect. Maybe the chain restaurant food will not be more interesting than the kind fellow providing it. Maybe the conversation won't feel so forced and on the surface.

Or maybe it will and we won't connect again. No biggee. I recall wanting to play the field a bit at the beginning of this year. Here's my chance. I'm going on a date. I can't play the field if that date turns into a game of Life with us cruising the board in a pink car with 2.5 kids and a dog. That just doesn't even sound fun.

Of course, it's not a Date Club sanctioned date, so I'll have to go on another one this month if I don't want to feed the piggy. And that might take some work. I haven't wanted to try too hard lately. And pickin's be slim on the Cupe.

Wait a minute. It seems as though my Date Club fembuds both have guys who aren't stupid and who do call them back and say they don't want to be broken up, which means I will end up with the contents of Sir Piggy all to myself. So maybe I do want to skip dates and load him up.

Maybe Mr. October will be a frozen pizza and a bottle of wine and a stack of ridiculous come-ons from my Ok Cupid inbox. And piggy will get a little bit fatter for ol' Sheila.

As I thought from the beginning...I shall be the last dater standing. Muahahahahaha!

(Anyone who accuses me of throwing the game will get a big giant boohoo story about my broken heart and how I will never love again. Try me. I'm gonna get me some shoe money.)

E: Seeking Mr. October?

2010-10-01T19:12:00.004-07:00

Long time, no talk! For those of you who forgot who I am (and I don't blame you), I'm Elle, the one who fell in love with April Date #3 back in, well, April. My reasons for choosing not to blog the relationship were two-fold: 1) I wanted to keep the details of our relationship private, and 2) If he knew I was blogging about us, chances are he would feel compelled to find the blog and read it. He specializes in internet stuff and I especially didn't want him reading all of my dating escapades. I mean, I have some juicy stories on here (remember the pilot?) and last thing I needed was April #3 reading about some of my minor, uh, indiscretions.

I'm sure by the title of my blog you are now thinking, not you too! After the decline of my fembud Sheila's relationship at the five - six month mark, and now the decline of mine, ON the five-month anniversary, no less. (Which means, Jane, you have all of four months and 1 week left with Mr. September....enjoy!) ha ha. No, not really. I'm sure this is all a coincidence. Or is it? Do men get weird this far into a relationship? Has the newness and fun worn off at this point? Have I gotten too comfortable in my black workout pants, gray t-shirt and ponytail? But isn't this the place we all long to be at in a relationship....that phase where you don't have to constantly try to impress, and it's ok to go out to breakfast on Saturday morning without makeup, and it's ok to skip a day of shaving those legs? Hmmmm, questions to ponder.

The last 5 months with April #3 have been a whirlwind. In addition to my beloved dog dying, I moved and somewhat remodeled a new home. And watched money run out of my wallet like water. I don't do well living in chaos. It stresses me out. In addition to all of this, April #3 had his own stresses of being a full-time student, working full time plus some OT at his job, which he hates, and having had a painful operation that he spent 2+ weeks recovering from at my house. Add into the mix the fact that he works 2nd shift, 3 - 11:30, at a job over half hour away from me. Literally we would only see each other on the weekends, and that was if he didn't have to work on Saturday or I didn't have other plans, like shopping sprees with friends and such. The cards were stacked against us from the start.

Yet, somehow, we were able to develop this amazing connection that I had always thought was unbreakable. This magnetism-type thing is a rare find, at least for me. You can't go out to the clubs and seek it. You can't buy it. And you can't make this shit up. It's either there or it isn't.

Problem for us, was the mounting stresses caused us to act and react in ways that we do not normally. And we are both extremely stubborn. Communication broke down and he walked out. He wanted out. He couldn't handle the pressure anymore.

That was almost 2 weeks ago. But last weekend, after a week of extreme heartache for me, and setting my mind to the fact that we were over and I needed to move forward, he contacted me. Apparently that week for him was not only extreme heartache, but also self-reflection, and realizing that he was a turd, and that he never wanted this break up to happen, and that he loves me like there is no tomorrow and can't imagine his life without me in it. He explained that he tried to forget about me, but basically that it was impossible because "I had him at hello" and apparently still do.

So the decision is mine. I have the power in the relationship to call the shots. I do love him deeply and feel a connection with him that is like no other. But I don't trust him with my heart. He left me. At a time in our relationship when we needed communication the most, he chose to go out with his friends instead and not face the conversation.

He wants another chance. He wants to prove to me that I can trust him. And that our relationship is meant to be. He pointed out that we skipped a crucial step in our young relationship. We fell in love so fast, but never got the chance to date in a "normal" circumstance. A dating relationship where I do my own thing on Saturday and lay out by the pool, and he shows up that evening smelling nice with hair spiked (he has great hair for a 39-year old) and picks me up and takes me out for a night of fun on the town. Where we can just enjoy each others company, and give our relationship some roots. We skipped the fun step, because the chaos and stress got in the way.

Roots are good. Roots are what a relationship needs to weather the trials. We didn't have any built yet. And the wind blew us away.

Where does that leave us today? That leaves us with a date on Sunday. And I look forward to him showing up and smelling good with that cute spiky hair thing going on. I'm going to roll with it and see what happens.

Which brings me to the title of my blog. At this point in time, first day of October, I am not sure if I need to find a Mr. October or not. It's difficult to be in transition like this, but is also somewhat reassuring to know that by the end of October I will have answered the question for myself. Either I will be back with April #3, or I will have got back on Match and found a Mr. October! I know you, you're hoping I do. Just so I can once again share crazy-ass stories with you about some guy I met who lives with his mom and writes poetry in his basement and plays the tuba. Well that remains to be seen.

J: The part I didn't tell you

2010-09-30T19:43:00.008-07:00

Here’s what I couldn’t bring myself to write last night…and the real reason I couldn’t sleep.

Mr. September apparently is a lot more recently out of his last ‘rebound’ relationship than I had realized. It also lasted a lot longer than I had realized. (Over a year!)

And, apparently I was the VERY first person he contacted on OKCupid.

I’ve dated a ton over the past year. He hasn’t dated at all. Basically, the last time he casually went out with anyone, he was 17 years old.

He mentioned, during our "let's take this back a step or two" conversation that he would still like to go out with other people...but nothing serious...maybe a cup or coffee or drinks or something.

(While also making sure that I understood that he doesn’t have anyone specific lined up…or anyone even in mind for said 'casual date'.)

And, actually, I really did believe him.

And I guess I understood where he's coming from.

He’s freaked out by the speed that we jumped into this relationsip and also by not getting the opportunity to see what/who else is out there before finding someone new.

He jumped from marriage to rebound to me. And while he made it very very clear that he really does like me…a lot…he also doesn’t want to lock into anything serious so quickly after his last relationship.

Like I said…I get it.

However, I told him that if he was going to be out there dating, I would be dating too.

And he wasn’t happy about that.

He asked (very sweetly) if he could also be Mr. October. I reminded him that he was already Mr. September and pointed out that what he was asking for was a double standard, and not at all fair. He sheepishly acknowledged that I was right and the subject drifted in a different direction. No real resolution…

But, here’s the thing that really bothered me…I knew that I don’t really have any desire to date anyone else. This pointed (in my mind) to a huge imbalance. And in my experience, imbalance in a relationship is a bad bad thing.

Early in the wee hours of the morning, I decided that there needed to be another conversation. I decided that while I didn't like the idea of dating around, I could try to deal with it. It would let me continue with this dating challenge afterall and it would teach me how to build up some walls of my own. But, I also decided that until there’s some commitment there, we need to back off on ALL aspects of the relationship that we rushed forward into…including (and especially, if we were 'dating around') the physical ones.

I woke up this morning miserable from just an hour or two of sleep. The first few hours at work were awful…all the way up until I got his call.

He started off by telling me that he had made a major mistake last night. He did NOT want to date anyone else. He wants just me! He didn’t even know why he had mentioned it. He likes what we have so far. He doesn't want to lose me. He wanted to give us a chance!

(But he still wants to slow things way down.) Groovy.

The sun came out. Birds fluttered in the sky again. A thousand-ton weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally feel the gallons of caffeine that I'd been guzzling.

I can do slow.

I can handle taking a step back if I know that by doing so, it will ultimately point me in the direction I think I want to go.

Last night, I had no problem with the idea of slowing down. I agreed with him, actually. What I couldn’t handle was the thought of him actually going on a date...or even wanting to go on a date with anyone else.

I like that he figured it out on his own. I like that he was man enough to admit to his mistake. I like that he apologized.

I also like that he likes me enough and respects me enough to realize that we’re not really going to go anywhere if we’re both always looking over our shoulders…especially considering that we're two formerly-married people who had both been cheated on.

This was the exact call and the exact conversation and the exact words that I would have scripted to come out of his mouth if I hadn’t been so exhausted and miserable.

He did good.

So, we’re on for tomorrow. We’ll be able to spend some quality time together, chatting, sharing stories, holding hands, making each other laugh, and getting to know each other all over again.

Slowly, this time, without all the scary premature expectations.

J: Women’s Intuition

2010-09-30T02:04:00.002-07:00

Well...

I wasn’t wrong.

I wasn’t crazy.

Turns out Mr. September WAS pulling away.

Apparently, he is still really really into me…but at some point on Sunday evening he got completely freaked out.

We had a very long and very healthy conversation tonight...one that started on the phone & ended with me going over to his place for a hug, a kiss & a cookie. (Literally, a cookie… chocolate chip, specifically…no…I’m not speaking in euphemisms here). ;)

I’m home now and have been trying to sleep for more than two hours. Finally, I gave in and figured if I can get it all out of my head and onto…pixels...then I’d finally, finally be able to sleep.

Basically, the problem is that we moved too fast. (Who didn’t see that coming?)

Spending every moment of the entire weekend together didn’t help. So, he’s asked that we slow it waaaay back down. He wants to have a chance to actually date me.

And, I think that's a pretty good idea.

The question is…what does that look like? What does that mean? Are we now opening the doors back up to date other people? Do we just see each other once a week? Every other week?

Or, is it more subtle? Is it just a resetting of our expectations? Recalibrating our thoughts and not looking so far into the future?

Ugh…my crazy box is broken wide open on this one.

But the thing is…I actually feel better. I’m just so thankful that he trusted me enough to tell me where he’s at instead of letting all of those awful feelings fester. Besides, my intuition was saying that something wasn't right. And you know what they say about those gut instincts we women have....they're right 99% of the time.

We needed to have this conversation…and it's been had…and we can move on from here. Or not.

And, we’ll see what the next few days have to offer. We have plans for Friday evening and for
Saturday. Who knows what will happen and where we’ll be when Sunday rolls around.

Hopefully, I won't be on a search for Mr. October.

S: Just Needed to Blog This Out Loud

2010-09-29T20:27:00.003-07:00

Sometimes...no, a lot of times...I see people with other people who so obviously love them and I wonder why them and not me. Why do they get to have that?

I wonder what's wrong with me.

And then I wonder if I actually want to know the answer to that. Because there's probably nothing I can do about it.

Finding someone to share your life with is not an inalienable right. We don't all get to have that. My guess is I fall into the don't-get-to-have group. I'm prepared for that. But it still sucks.

Because it's inexplicable.

I mean, why not me?

(It's the giant nose zit, isn't it?)

J: Enough?

2010-09-28T18:10:00.013-07:00

I’ve wondered what a ‘normal’ week would look like, with this fantastic Mr. September. And here we are...just at Tuesday and I’m thinking a ‘normal’ week just ain’t enough.

Maybe I was spoiled by being forced to steal all those limited moments between our trips.

Maybe I was spoiled by this last, glorious weekend when we spent every minute together.

Maybe I was spoiled by the speed that we’ve taken things thus far.

But, now the weekend is over. And, I didn’t get to see him last night. And, I don’t get to see him tonight either.

I guess that’s part of what I signed up for when I agreed to date a single father. I guess it’s also what I get for dating someone so successful who actually cares about his career. (Sooooo hot!)

Tonight, for him, is about a.) his kid (as it should be), b.) a 9:30 pm meeting with China and c.)preparation for tomorrow's extremely important meeting (that literally will determine the direction of his career).

How can I possibly compete with that?

Tonight was ‘tentative’ anyways and apparently, I’m “too much of a distraction” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Okay, I get that.

And, I respect that.

But it doesn’t mean that I wouldn't rather be eating my pizza and drinking my wine with him.

I’m doing my best to remember that I have a life. A full life. I had this full life before him. I will have it after him.

I’m also doing my best not to start wondering if I’m more into this than he is.

But, he introduced me to his kid this weekend…and we got along famously. (They, apparently, even had a “yeah, she’s cool” conversation about me.) We had the “we’re ‘going steady’” conversation. We’ve talked beyond October (Christmas!!! We actually talked about CHRISTMAS!) He’s also told me that if I’m not looking towards long term, at any point, then I need to let him know and we should end it right then and move on. And he'd do the same.

I must be crazy to want more…to need more than all that. Right?

It’s my own insecurities. I know that.

It’s my own need to grab on and hold tight and strangle the life out of the relationship.

It’s my own crazy.

Soooo, I’m giving space. I’m sitting on my own couch with my own pizza and my own glass of wine and not calling, not texting, blogging out all of my frustration and fear to you.

Tomorrow night I will go to my dance classes as planned.

And maybe (just maybe) tomorrow we will find some time to catch up on how his big important meeting went.

Or maybe not.

And I’ll look forward to this weekend and the definite plans that we have then.And not expect more than that.

S: Mr. September...Meh

2010-09-26T20:57:00.002-07:00

I have officially had my first date since Guy.

And it did nothing to help me. Although I did get a delicious, street-vended treat, provided graciously by Mr. September.

As planned, I met up with Mr. September after Saturday’s sporting event. I had done a little pre-event drinking and spent much of the game doing my best to sober up. I didn’t want to meet Mr. September in an altered state. And I had a long, late drive home ahead of me.

Unfortunately, I also spent most of the game missing Guy and wishing I were enjoying it with him. I didn’t think it would be so hard to be there and not be with him. I thought being there would be better than not being there. But I couldn’t help thinking the pre-game festivities would have been better with him and the game would have been better with him. Even the seats would have been better.

Mostly…I missed him. Sometimes I just want to Spotless Mind myself so this can all stop. It’s very difficult and rather unpleasant. And makes me feel like I’m imbalanced or insane or something.

Anyway, at the beginning of the game, I texted Guy a “go team!” type message, as a polite, friend-y thing to do because he knew I was there. Later, he responded in kind. And that was all. At the end of the game, our team had won so I sent a celebratory text. Again, trying to do the friend thing. I didn’t hear anything from him. Which was fine because I had a date to get to.

I was looking forward to meeting Mr. September. We had exchanged a few texts throughout the day and that had been good and fun. I even got an "LMAO" out of him at some point. And, amazingly, he somehow managed to make the weather clear up. Very impressive indeed.

The game was over and we began coordinating our meet-up efforts. He was on bike and I was in car. I knew I would have a lot of traffic to deal with so he would have to wait a while for me. A bit later, he called and said the place he thought we were going to wasn’t where he thought it was. Which was good because he had gone somewhere that was not where I thought we were going at all. And that could have been disastrous.

We got it all figured out and I continued to trek in the right direction. I finally got through traffic and found somewhere to park, although I bailed out early and parked several blocks away. I have very little patience for parking.

I approached our chosen vendor and eventually saw someone who seemed like it must be him. We did that awkward “is that you?” look and greet thing and figured out we were who we thought we were. And with my “here is the boundary” handshake, the meet-up began. We got in line and chatted and waited and chatted and waited. We made our orders (he ordered what I ordered because my order was confident and concise) and waited for our yummy snack.

I went to dig my cash out of my pocket and he immediately offered to pay. I argued once and then thanked him profusely. I never expected him to pay but was pleased that he played the gentleman.

And then snacks were served. So…delicious. I made lots of yummy sounds, which I had warned him would happen. He laughed because I hadn’t lied. The yummy sounds are uncontrollable.

We found a place to sit among the crowd and chatted some more. Conversation was o.k., but felt a little forced. Not as easy as it had been in message form. Very much “new acquaintance” stuff. We would go for a bit and then there would be an awkward lull.

It didn’t help that I was tired from the day.

He was very sweet and clearly found me amusing, but I didn’t feel any chemistry. There was no spark. And it seems like he was cuter in his picture. Not that the picture wasn’t the Mr. September who I met, but he was just different in person. I had conjured up someone different in my head.

I think he maybe felt some chemistry though. He touched me a couple of times. You know, the kind of quick, flirty touches that you can’t help when you are interested in someone. I did not feel the same desire to touch him. He felt very platonic to me. Good company, but nothing more than a friend.

We had finished our glorious food and it was obvious I was starting to get cold so he asked if I wanted to go to a coffee shop he knew would be open for another hour or so. I considered it (mostly out of politeness) but decided I should hit the road before I got too tired. He was very nice about this and said he shouldn’t tempt me with staying longer when he knows I have a long drive home and he would feel the same way if he was the one having to drive home.

Dammit. Nice guy…no spark.

So we decided to part ways. We got to his bike first, because it was pretty much parked right there. And he didn’t offer to walk me to my car, which he knew was parked several blocks away. This surprised me. But I had stopped keeping score because I knew I wasn’t interested. And I could make it to my car on my own.

He went for the post-date hug. I obliged because he had bought me such tasty food. And he’s a sweet guy. He should get a hug out of the deal.

On my way to the car, I received a text.

From Guy.

Responding to my celebratory text from a couple of hours before.

I was surprised. I had expected it to be from Mr. September. I rolled my eyes thinking, “Don’t be sending me messages already. I don’t like you that much, you can’t like me.”

But it wasn’t him.

It was the only person I was hoping to hear from. Of course.

The problem with this date was that it made me miss Guy even more. When I went out with Guy, there were sparks. We had an immediate connection. Even though I tried to keep him at a distance at first, I never wanted our time together to be over. We would have unscheduled dates between the dates and all our dates would last for hours and hours, well into the next morning. Even before the physical stuff started.

The fact that I had no chemistry with this guy only confirmed that what I had felt with Guy had been real and not some trick of the imagination. We did have something. Because if I could have conjured up something with Mr. September, I would have. I need something to give me a reason to move on. But there wasn’t anything there.

So now I missed Guy even more. And that meant of course I responded to his text. I asked if he was still in town because I wanted to stop and have a beer with him. He was not. He had already gotten home. We exchanged messages as I hit the interstate. (Thank goodness this is an anonymous blog. I know I shouldn’t do that, but it kept me awake. It’s a bad habit and I am trying very hard to break it.)

In the meantime, Mr. September tried to call. I accidentally answered it while typing a message to Guy and then hung up really fast. I didn’t want to talk to him. He sent a text saying it was a wake up call to make sure I hadn’t fallen asleep. I responded that I didn’t know what happened to the call or why it was dropped, but that my phone had a mind of it's own. I didn't mention about what an evil bitch I am. I did thank him for calling. Then we sent our good nights.

And I went back to Guy.

Because I’m dumb.

I let him know when I made it home and thanked him for helping to keep me awake. He said he was glad I made it safely. And I let it go at that. I wasn’t going to keep it up at that point. Even though I really missed him and wished for a reason to go to his place.

I stayed up a bit longer putzing around the house and then a while later, I got a “g’nite” from Guy out of the blue. He had been waiting for me to respond to the last message I guess.

I told him I had just climbed into bed and it was all cold. This triggered a conversation about cold beds and snuggling. Both of us wishing the other were with us, but not having the guts to say so. I kept hoping he would ask to come over, but he didn’t. And as much as I wanted to go to his place, I resisted. I have to stay away.

We kept it up until I fell asleep.

When I woke up this morning, I had missed a final message from him the night before, so I sent a message about not wanting to get out of bed because of the cold. He said something about being toasty which felt sort of off-putting to me. I responded that in bed was better than out. He did not answer.

I haven’t heard from him all day and I haven’t sent any more messages. I’m really trying not to reach out to him if I can avoid it. And I have been curious to see if he would reach out to me. He obviously missed me last night, so would he still miss me today?

Clearly not, because he hasn’t sent a word.

Mr. September, on the other hand, has. He asked if I would be interested in dinner this week. O.k., technically, not really, but he’s a nice guy and deserves a second date if he wants it. Unfortunately, this week is a really bad week for me, so I had to put him off until next week. He was o.k. with this. We have made early plans for a second date. This means that at some point I’m going to have to tell him I’m not interested. Oh boy. One of the very best parts of dating.

So we’ve taken it to the next level. Beyond online date site. We had already exchanged phone numbers and now we have each other’s email addresses. I haven’t been initiating communication with him, but I will respond when messaged to. Hmmm…a sign of me not being that into him.

Wait...so, if someone were not initiating conversations with me, but responding when I did the intiating, would that also be a not-so-into-me sign?

YES, SHEILA! USE YOUR FRIKKIN’ BRAIN!

My heart makes me dense.

But it wants what it wants. And it wants Guy.

Sorry, Mr. September. Maybe you can start a club with Mr. October and Mr. November and Mr. December. Because my guess is they won't do much better.

S: There's Only One Problem

2010-09-24T23:35:00.006-07:00

Currently, my nose is home to the world's biggest zit. It's awful. My nose is actually swollen because of it.

The damn thing was issued its own zipcode by the Post Office this afternoon.

I have to buy an extra ticket for it at the movies.

I can now enjoy tea for two by myself.

And tomorrow I must meet Mr. September looking like something that belongs in a Tim Burton film.

What's a girl to do?!

Is it o.k. to cancel due to facial disfiguration?

No. It's not. It's ridiculous and vain.

One must look these things square in the eyes. Er...nose.

So I warned him. I actually told Mr. September I wouldn't be alone. That I had been growing a congenital twin that resembled a zit and had named it Xena the Warrior Zit. Then I mentioned I had tried to kill her, but she was a fighter and now I'm wearing a bandaid. And my nose is still swollen.

Why try to hide it? It's the elephant in the room...well, at least it's the size of the elephant in the room. Talk about it and move on.

His response was that he is sure I am still "fetching." How cute is that? He lies. Very sweet. If I find that he's staring at my nose too much, I'll just show him my boobs.

Kidding! They aren't that distracting...not being any bigger than the zit and all.

Oh well. At least Xena and I managed to get a date for September. How do ya' like them apples? Or rather, how do ya' them zits the size of apples?

I just hope he doesn't like her more than he likes me.

S: Mr. September

2010-09-24T20:57:00.004-07:00

You will never believe it, but I actually did it. I got a date for September!

And I didn't even want one.

I'm still pretty hurt from the whole Guy thing and he and I are still on kind of a roller coaster, so I was just starting to feel like I didn't want to open myself up to anyone, even just a little. I'm in no condition to date. I know who I want to be with.

Enter cute artist type from OkCupid. The ONLY fellow of any interest I have run across there as of yet.

I discovered his profile early on and sent him a cute, flirty, witty, casual message. I found some hidden references in his profile description and used them in my message to show I totally smelled what he was stepping in.

And it worked. He responded. And he remained non-stupid and non-creepy and non-perverted and non-clingy in subsequent exchanges. His messages make me giggle, so I keep responding. Of course, it helps that, at least in his photo, he looks super cute in a hat.

This weekend there will be another sporting event that Guy and I would have attended together. Again, something I had been looking forward to ever since he tricked me into making future plans last spring. So, I did some legwork and made some plans to tailgate at this sporting event and maybe get a ticket with a buddy of mine. Good hang time with him AND no sitting at home wishing and hoping. And beer.

The deal is that Mr. September does not live in my fair city, but rather in a small town not too far away. And it just so happens that this small town is where the aforementioned sporting event will be taking place. "Convenient," she says slyly while tapping the tips of her fingers together.

So I just happened to mention in a message to Mr. September a couple of days ago that I would be in his town on Saturday. Hoping he would now smell what *I* was stepping in and suggest a meeting. It's just so much more fun to get the guys to ask you out while making them think it was totally their idea. You have to be a little creative, but it's a fun game.

Anyway, it took a couple of messages, but the other night, he finally suggested that we meet if I was going to be in his neck of the woods.

I will fully admit that when I read his message, I freaked out a little. Here he was doing exactly as I intended and suggesting a meet up so I can get in my September date, and I didn't want to accept.

I didn't want to go.

I was frozen. I didn't know what to do. Going out with someone else means giving up on Guy. I don't want someone else to ask me out, I want Guy to ask me out. If I date someone else, it means I've lost all hope for Guy and am destroying any chance I have with him.

HEY SHEILA...SNAP OUT OF IT!

Dude, it's over. There is no hope. Guy's a dumbass. He has no nads. He's not going to get past that.

MOVE

I will also admit that these are not things I could think until I had a little Facebook chat with our fair Jane who typed GO! about a thousand times. She's such a good pal. I do hope I can get over my crap and let her gush to me over the phone soon. I'm getting there. She's being very patient with me.

Anyway, she was totally right and I knew it. I wrote him back and said his idea was a welcome one, let's make it so.

His response: "Excellent!"

Wow. Very enthusiastic. Perhaps he's more interested than I thought he was.

I was still feeling reticent about the whole thing because I've been missing Guy a lot this week. Giving up still feels wrong, but I have my sanity to regain. I have to get on board with meeting someone new. Even if I have no intention of getting involved.

Which I don't. I know better. I knew better before. I could kick myself for being the fool. No more stupid. Just a few more dates to finish out the year and then back to spinsting.

Anyway, what I've found is that the more we discuss our plans for meeting...the more we try to make it work out even though it's kind of a logistical nightmare...

(To make this work, I had to beg my buddy, who is riding to this other town with me, to find a different way home so I could stay and meet some strange internet guy. He totally understood. You can't beat good friends who get it. And he's one of the best.)

...the more I look forward to it. Over the last day and a half, just the coordinating of the thing has provided a nice build-up and an undercurrent of first date excitement.

Plus, somebody new to use the same old jokes on. Sweet!

So, the plan is that we will meet up after the sporting event at a predetermined street vendor who makes a delicious food that I happen to love and never get to have because I'm never in this particular town. I'm no dummy. Make the date somewhere where at least the food is good so if the company isn't, it isn't a total loss.

I do hope the company is as good as the food. And I have a feeling it will be.

There you go. That's it. Mr. September. He makes me giggle. And thinks I'm funny.

And he's not Guy.

Sheila Barnes...back in the game.

Go get 'em, slugger!

J: Twelfth Date

2010-09-24T18:22:00.004-07:00

The other day I had dinner with the married friend who originally helped me dream up this little experiment.

Of course, I was gushing about my fabulous Mr. September. She was very patiently listening, like a very good friend. (Not only can I not get enough of this guy...apparently, I can’t talk about him enough either.)

Annnnd then….she reminded me of the fact that this all started for me, unofficially, with my first date last November.

Annnnd then….she reminded me of the fact that I actually had gone out with TWO guys in February.

Which means…when you do the math…that Mr. September is actually also Mr. Date-Number-Twelve.

[goosebumps]

I set out on this challenge to go on 12 dates in a year. And I did it!

And how great is it that I just happened to find such a completely great twelfth guy?

Was I able to find him because I got so much practice at this dating stuff? Was it because I figured out how to be more comfortable outside of my comfort zone? Was it because all those so-so dates made me truly appreciate the connection that I’m now finding with Mr. September?

Life is sometimes strange.

During dinner, my friend also reminded me that from the beginning she had predicted that I’d probably have to wait for until the very end (and yes…a year ago, she specifically said “September”) before finally finding someone who would be able to steal my heart.

And look at that...she just might have been right.

J: Missing

2010-09-21T19:23:00.003-07:00

He’s not in my city. He’s not in my state. He’s not in my part of the country. He’s not even in my time zone!

It’s just been two weeks since our very first phone conversation and he's only been gone 3 days and still, I MISS HIM!

The realist in me says that this idyllic rainbows-and-glitter, constant-goofy-grin, can’t-get-enough-of-each-other, perfect, glorious time in our relationship has to end sometime.

The dreamer in me wants (and hopes) for this wonderful-ness to last forever.

The horn-dog in me just wants him home!

Yes, I know that it’s probably the very best possible thing that I just happened to have a work trip last week and then he just happened to have his work trip this week. It forces us to slow down, afterall. But I gotta say…it SUCKS!

It’s distance. And in a very short time, I’ve learned that I like it better when he’s around.

Thank God for technology. Thank God for email and texting and good cell phone coverage. I can’t imagine the old days when I would have had to wait for a letter to get to me, days later. We've spoken or texted every day and still, I want more.

I have to keep reminding myself that just two short weeks ago, I managed just FINE without even really knowing this guy existed. I was busy, I was happy, and I sure wasn't checking my phone every two minutes.

I have things to do. My calendar is full. Work is bananas. And yet, I keep having flashbacks of last weekend. I keep finding myself off in la-la-land without a paddle.

But I also wonder...how different will things be when we aren't dreading having to deal with forced time apart? What will a 'normal' day, or a 'normal' week look like? Was some of this rushing due to the very fact that we knew that we wouldn't be able to spend time together?

Possibly.

Probably.

Still...it’s been a rollercoaster and I hate these brakes that have been applied just when we started getting rolling.

J: Dear Mr. October: Beat it!

2010-09-19T06:22:00.007-07:00

I just kissed Mr. September good morning and goodbye. He’s on the way to the airport right now and will be gone for an entire week.

Yes people, I JUST said goodbye. (And yes, it really is this early in the morning.)

I’ve said it before…I’ll say it again…this guy is amazing!

My return home from my own business trip was delayed due to weather so I didn’t actually make it back into town until around noon on Friday…a day later than expected. When we landed, waiting for me was a text from him, asking if I had made it home safely. I texted back letting him know that the plane had just landed and asking him if he was available for lunch…which he was….so, travel weary and exhausted, I met him for lunch (it was, afterall, on the way home…ish). He had a meeting right after lunch and I had to get home to catch up on my own email and was dying for a nap so while it wasn’t a long lunch, it was still great to see him & good to catch up.

That same night, I had my standing monthly Pinochle plans, but also made plans to meet up with a friend for drinks first. When Mr. September called to see if I was feeling any better after a nap, and with the encouragement of my friend, I invited him to join us.

Yes, that’s right…I subjected him to the first meet-the-friend test! And while their time only overlapped for 15 minutes or so…he passed the test, she passed the test, they both got along splendidly and I considered the second date of the day with my Mr. September a huge success.

We had made tentative plans for Saturday but needed to line up the where & when so he asked me to call him after I was done with my evening-no matter how late. So, happily, I did. And despite the fact that I had been exhausted just 5 minutes earlier…despite the fact that I was hours and hours short on sleep…despite the fact that I had already seen him TWICE that day, I ended up agreeing to meet him for a moonlight walk.

Our conversation on that walk was amazing. We talked about his child and their relationship and his perspective regarding dating as a single father. We talked about our families and our divorces. We talked about own individual faith journeys. We talked about dating in general, and most importantly, we talked about the fact that neither of us really has any desire to date anyone else. (Yippeee!!!)

With our third date of the day being such a success, he somehow was able to talk me into spending the night. (It was amazing, by the way…but that’s another post for another day!)

Our Saturday together was super easy & casual with no firm plans…just chilling out, watching a movie, shopping for a Kindle for his trip, watching him pack, grilling out on his back porch, and lots and lots of snuggling. Around 10pm, when I was starting getting ready to leave (he needed enough sleep to be able to get up at the butt-crack of dawn for today’s early morning flight) he asked me to stay another night…which I did. How could I resist? He was just so dern cute! And I was just so dern tired. And he was going to be gone for a whole week!!!

So…here we are. And, I probably know what you’re thinking. I’m thinking it too. If I were to guess, I would say that he’s thinking it as well: we’re moving this along very very quickly. The running joke of the weekend was: “How long have I known you again?” But neither one of us wants it to stop.

The thing is…we’re just so amazingly compatible. We’re so comfortable. We’ve talked about relationships and religion and politics and pet peeves and careers and families and favorite ice cream. He thinks I’m sexy, just as I am…and somehow, he makes me believe it too. I think he’s absolutely amazing and I love the way his mind works. He’s told me several times that he doesn’t understand why I’m still single. I feel the exact same way about him.

I am so so happy I gave in and finally joined an online dating site and I am so so happy that he was the one to find me in the middle of all of that craziness. How did I get this lucky?

And, in the midst of all of our other conversation thoroughout the weekend, I also told him about this dating experiment. His response was to ask me not to find a Mr. October. :)

We haven’t talked about November or December. And that’s okay. I don’t want to go there yet. As much as we’ve rushed the beginning, I don’t want to start projecting into the future and end up with broken dreams. I figure, a month is entirely reasonable (and hopefully safe) amount of “look-forward” time.

So, for right now, this very minute, I just want this week to fly by. I need to have him back within kissing range.

S: Work Flirt

2010-09-16T22:01:00.002-07:00

Tomorrow I have a voiceover job. This is something I do from time-to-time. The last time I worked for tomorrow's client, I had a boyfriend. Also the last time I worked for this client (after the client had left the building), my buddy at the recording studio asked if I had a boyfriend and mentioned he thought this client and I could be interested in each other...having some things in common and all.

This time, I do not have a boyfriend. What I do have is a need for a date. A date that does not involve one of the mentally challenged single fellas trying to reach me on some dating site. I mentioned to my recording studio buddy that I'm single now so...

We'll see if there's enough flint to get some sparks to fly. The guy was cute.

J: Smitten

2010-09-16T05:07:00.005-07:00

I seem to have it bad.

Every time my phone rings….every time I get a text…every time I see a new IM pop up at work, I’m hoping it’s Mr. September.

Monday was really rough. I didn’t hear from him even once. Not through any method of communication.

But the thing is, we had already made plans for lunch the next day. There was not a need to be in touch. But I had a want for that contact. I don’t feel like I can (or should) chase him at this point in our relationship. I need to let him pursue me but it is truly, truly a difficult thing to refrain from contacting him. And, since there wasn’t anything from his end, when I, personally, wanted that contact so badly, I started assuming the worst.

Why? Who knows. Maybe because I’m crazy.

But, maybe it’s because this period in a brand new, blossoming relationship feels so very fragile. It still feels like with any wrong move, he could call the whole thing off. And I sure don’t want that!

Granted, there’s nothing (absolutely NOTHING) that would lead me to (logically) believe that he would do such a thing. But sometimes logic isn’t always present in my brain, when it comes to guys. And really, it’s been so very long since I found anyone worthy of this kind of attention or this kind of ‘like’. I don’t want anything to mess it up.

So, to keep me sane, let’s do a little exercise. Here’s examples of the ways he seems just as into me as I am into him:

· He wants to spend time with me! I see this in all of his efforts to squeeze in as much together time as possible around each of our trips. He completely rearranged his work schedule for today to spend a long lunch with me before my trip. And then at lunch, we made plans for Saturday and talked about trying to find some time on Friday as well. (And it still doesn’t feel like enough???)

· He wants to spend QUALITY time with me. Our original plan for lunch was a noisy (but yummy) spot where you wait in line, get your food, sit down, eat & rush out. On the morning we were supposed to get together, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere quieter where we could relax and talk instead of feeling rushed and having to yell to be heard.

· He chooses to spend time with me, even when he doesn’t feel great! Apparently, Saturday was the start of him feeling lousy...his headache & exhaustion must have been more than just sun exposure. Because, since then, he’s been feeling more and more flu-like and has been struggling to get past it. I had no clue! He said that he actually had thought about cancelling lunch since he felt so yuck but that he wanted to see me. (BTW…I would have been completely devastated, if he had cancelled! Who knows the crazy spirals of obsession I would have tumbled into if he had bailed!) Anyhoo…despite feeling like poo, he still came out for lunch and still hung out after lunch with me for another half-hour or so until I had to run to catch my flight.

· He thinks about my health & well being above his own hormones. This one sucks because it meant that he didn’t kiss me before I flew off on my work trip. Not in greeting, not to say goodbye. Although he did tell me that he wanted to. [Goofy, cheesy grin] Still, though, he didn’t want to get me sick (even though I obviously got Saturday germs and didn’t get sick from those!) ;) He prioritized keeping me healthy during my meetings and on the plane above what could have been a very pleasant make-out session.

· He’s talked about the future...with me! And noooo…I don’t mean the “let’s get married and have babies” future. I’m talking about more of a month-to-month future. E.g.: He’s told me that I’ll be less white by the end of summer from all of my days on the lake. (Implying that I’ll be out there with him on his boat!) We’ve talked about movies we want to see together, restaurants we want to try, things we want to do together, and general around-town stuff we want to experience with each other. It feels like we have more plans already made than time to actually do those plans. And now, I just hope we get to keep all of those plans.

Okay, so what next?

I have several unread OKCupid messages sitting in my inbox, with no desire whatsoever to see what they have to say. I’ve been texted by the Roller-Skating-Potential-September, asking about my plans for the weekend, obviously angling to get something set up. No desire there, either, to respond. And I won’t even go into my recent interactions with Mr. May. (The poor, poor boy is so confused that I’m brushing off his invitations and I couldn’t care less from my happy little perch up here on my own personal fluffy Cloud 9).

Mr. September and I spoke on the phone for the first time just a week ago, Tuesday and went out for the first time a week ago today. What a difference a week makes!

I’m not naming kids. I’m not planning our wedding. I’m not even doodling our initials, intertwined. (I swear!!!) But from everything I’ve seen from him this far, I want to move forward. I know the value of taking it slow but I WANT to speed forward. I want him to know how I feel. I want confirmation in words that he actually feels about me the way that I think he does.

Is it wrong to want to tell him that I don’t want anyone else? Is it wrong to want that DTR (Define the Relationship) conversation? Is it wrong to feel that way already?

I think…I think…

I think I want him to be my 'boyfriend'.

Yep. I'm a little bit crazy!

S: Bah!

2010-09-15T14:22:00.003-07:00

And, as usual, now that the frustration and hurt is subsiding, I miss him.

O.k., I always miss him.

But now I miss him more because I don't feel as bad as I did.

And yet, when I think about the coldness of just ignoring my last messages to him, the frustration comes back. Besides, I can't think of anything to say to him. And I don't want to sound like crazy ex-girlfriend. And I'd like for him to have to climb out on a limb a bit. Which means I must remain silent.

So I guess I have to just keep on missing him. And have the Sheila & Guy montage running through my head on an endless loop. And continue to wonder what life could be like if he wasn't being such a dumbass.

All I want in the world right now is for him to send me a message saying he misses me. I don't think it will happen and I want to sternum punch myself for even wanting it, but it is what it is. I want him to love me and miss me and want me and need me as much as I do him.

And that effing sucks.

This all effing sucks.

Bah!

Humbug!

S: More Guy Stuff

2010-09-14T12:30:00.005-07:00

The jury is out on how annoying it is that the Guy situation is constantly changing.

My guess is that the biggest annoyance for you is how long the blog posts always are.

Anyway, just when I think I’ve got my brain wrapped around it, there is a crack on the surface and it all falls to pieces.

This is clearly one of the major problems with being involved in an undefined relationship. It breaks a lot.

Here’s what’s been happening…

Last Thursday, after our Wednesday night talk and establishment of non-relationship, I was again in Guy’s neighborhood for work. This time I texted him earlier to say I was around and see what was for dinner. He responded and a visit was arranged. Yay! This always puts me in a good mood. Not only would I get to hang with Guy and his son for dinner (yes, he was allowing me to hang with his son), but I would be able to procrastinate my usual Thursday night blog activities.

I went over a bit early because my work was complete, and as expected, dinner was not yet ready. Guy and his son were getting ready for a game of catch, so I joined them. Work clothes and all. We had a great time. I even had to do some punitive push-ups along with the other two for not catching with both hands.

Then, while we waited for Guy to finish up dinner, his son and I played a few rounds of Wii sports. We always have a good time with that. His kid is very easy to get along with.

Dinner was nice, and, in usual fashion, Guy was secretly handsy…sneaking little grabs here and there. He does that. It’s cute. And flattering.

After dinner, Guy’s son wanted to entrap him and tickle him which set off an epic tickle battle that included some surreptitious wandering hands courtesy of you-know-who. Good times. But then it was time for the young one to be off to bed. I finished cleaning up in the kitchen and then decided I should take off to get my Thursday night stuff done while Guy was occupied with bedtime or else I would never leave. Knowing full well that, good or bad idea, I would be back. The evening had been good and Guy had primed my pump.

I went back later, not having finished my blogging duties (putting them off until the next day) and had a great night with my not-boyfriend. He even started the night off my just snuggling up next to me to talk. He didn’t just dive right in.

Ok, this non-relationship stuff seems almost as good as the actual relationship stuff.

Friday morning we were awakened at 4 by his son knocking on the door, so Guy went upstairs with him to put him back to bed. Usually when this happens, he may fall asleep with him for a bit, but he always comes back. But when I woke up to head home, he hadn’t come back. No morning num nums. Sad.

We spent the day lamenting via text that we had not had any A.M. fun and that we wouldn’t get to have any P.M. fun because he was heading out of town for the weekend. At some point a day or two before I had suggested that he take me with him (I really wanted to go), but he declined. In fact, he had encouraged me to go out Saturday night and find my September date and then he would come home and satisfy me on Sunday.

Anyway, I told him he should have taken me with him because then we wouldn’t be in this sad “no num nums” situation.

I spent Friday night with a friend having great conversation. Even some words of wisdom about the Guy thing. But still, I missed Guy. I didn’t hear much from him that night, as he was with friends, but we did exchange some “missing you” good night messages.

On Saturday, I only heard from him sporadically, but that wasn’t a surprise. We were both busy with social activities. In fact, we were both watching the same sporting event (he was AT the event and I was watching it on TV with friends), so we spent most of the afternoon texting each other about what was happening with our team.

Then quiet.

I headed out for the night to celebrate a couple of birthdays, but suggested to him that he sober up and drive home so we can finish what we started on Thursday night. His (delayed) response was that he was hammered.

The evening was filled with good friends who all said they had missed seeing me out in the world. These are the friends I love just hanging with and having great conversations. And they know how to have a good time. Unfortunately, no prospects. I know them all. And dating in the group is a good way to get ostracized.

I didn’t pay attention to my phone all night. No messages from Guy.

On my way home, I needed pizza in a bad way, which is pretty much the norm for me after a night out. I just stopped at the 24-hour grocery store but considered for a moment going to Guy’s place and taking the frozen cheese pizza I know he bought for me before we broke up. So I texted him, trying to be cute (and to indicate that I was out LATE), and asked how wrong it would be to go to his house and steal that pizza.

Early the next morning, I finally got a reply. “Did you?” I told him that I was a good girl and bought my own.

No reply.

I knew he would be headed home for his son’s usual Sunday sporting events, but I expected to hear more from him. I thought he would want to see me. But 7 hours later, I had gotten no more from him. So I sent out an exploratory message saying that it bugged me that I got so bummed when I didn’t hear from him and then sending good vibes for his kid’s games.

A bit later he said they had lost one and the next one was coming up. I waited a bit and wished him luck for the next one.

A couple of hours later his response was that it was time to mow the lawn and how excited he was about that. To which I replied that I had just finished doing that very thing and I now I had the pleasure of a workout and I could feel his pain.

Then…nothing.

I kept trying to keep a conversation going so he would say something about seeing me, or at least open the door for me to ask about getting together. But nothing. I started to get paranoid that there was a reason that he was being distant. This is exactly what happens in an undefined relationship. This is when I start to worry about the “someone new.”

The evening passed with no messages from him and I settled in to get some blog work done. I logged into Facebook and the first thing I’m treated to is pictures from his weekend. I hate this part. And I hadn’t yet figured out how to hide his updates so I wouldn’t have to see this stuff. I don’t want to go so far as to unfriend him, but the pictures of him having fun with girls really bugs me.

Here’s where it all takes a turn. Actually, no, it all took a turn a month ago when he broke up with me. This is just all a result of the turn.

In an attempt to try to start up a conversation and maybe still get to a point where we could spend some time together that night, without it feeling like a booty call, I sent him a message about Facebook always wanting me to see pictures of him having fun with other girls. I was really just looking for some Facebook-is-evil-when-it-comes-to-relationships commiseration, because I know how he feels about that.

He said they were all married. Which is probably true. I didn’t look. But he does tend to be the guy his married girl friends can flirt with because he’s safe and fun.

I told him I hadn’t looked at the pics because it’s hard for me to see him having fun without me. Not that I don’t want him to have fun but that I miss having fun with him. (Part of this is because I had really wanted to go with him on that trip.) Then I told him I knew that was dumb but I couldn’t help it.

At this point, I saw he was logged into Facebook (another thing I need to get rid of) and finally chatted him saying I hate that I can see him there but I don’t know if I should chat with him or not. He said I was being goofy. I agreed and said I was silly. Then he was cute and blended the words and made me laugh. This kept it light…I thought.

Via text he asked if I had had fun on Saturday night. I said I had. He replied that he was sure there were boys having fun with me. I told him that there weren’t. That it was all people I knew who don’t think I’m hot. And, besides, I still miss having fun with him.

Then, silence.

A bit later (still hoping there would be a way for me to see him in a non-booty call way), I apologized and said I had just needed to vent about the evil that is Facebook. So someday he would know why I unfriended him. This may have been poorly worded. I don’t think my point was made very well and it definitely seemed rather negative.

Even later, having given up hope of seeing him based on the late hour, and having not heard anything from him, I tried to explain my weird mood. I told him I had thought I might have to talk him out of stuff that day (because I spent the day thinking we should maybe not do what we’ve been doing…knowing full well that’s exactly what I wanted to be doing), but when I didn’t have to talk him out of anything it got my mind going in the “he’s moved on” direction and it put me in a funk. Then I said it wasn’t his fault but that I was just trying to explain.

He replied wondering what I was going to have to talk him out of and then sent another message saying I confuse the crap out of him sometimes.

I responded that the “stuff” was sex and that I confuse the crap out of myself. And that he also confuses me.

I really wasn’t thinking straight at this point. I don’t know why. And I really don’t know what was going on in my head.

Then he wanted to know what about sex. I replied that as of Friday, I thought he would want to see me. I said that it was o.k. that he didn’t but it makes me think things that I’m not ready to think. And then said that that was my best guess as to what was going on. That and I think I had a fresh round of hormones starting to course through my veins. (And, ladies, we all know how that changes our thinking without our realizing it.)

A bit later he responded that he had wanted to see me but that he hadn’t heard much from me.

What?! I had been trying to start conversations with him all day and he never made any noise about wanting to see me. And, as you can see from my earlier blathering on, it was I who was not hearing from him.

Sometimes I’m pretty sure we are both on completely different planets.

This did nothing for my weird head stuff. My reply to him was that I had been sending him messages but that I feel like crazy ex-girlfriend if I send too many without hearing from him in between. Which is true. If he doesn’t respond, I take that as my cue.

Speaking of which…nothing.

Then, it just so happened that I was reading Jane’s posts about her Mr. September and I was feeling pretty bummed about how much she sounded like me a few months ago. I mean, great for her, but just a reminder for me. (There’s a post brewing about celebrating with your friends even when it hurts you. Go Jane! Be happy… you soooo deserve it.)

I let my mood get the best of me and texted him that I was reading her posts and she sounds like me when we met and that it was great for her but hard for me to read.

Silence.

Paranoid me wondered what he was thinking. Logical me figured he had fallen asleep.

A bit later I tried one more time. I live near a place that is rented out for events and often the bands are loud and keep me up with their annoying noise. I texted that I was in such a poop mood that I was about to call the cops.

He responded to this by saying if it was driving me nuts I could come to his place. And that he was heading to bed.

This felt like a booty call. For the first time…it seemed like a booty call. We hadn’t spent any time together that weekend. It was midnight. He was obviously going to bed. The part of my brain that makes me miserable told me not to go. Even though I had been waiting ALL DAY for an invitation. (The other issue being that I was in bed and looking like crap. Did I really want get up and get even a little bit ready?)

I was at least relieved that he still wanted to invite me over.

I sent a smile and thanked him but that I would try to stick it out there. Although a good cuddle would be nice. And then a bit later I told him to sleep well and thanked him for being patient with me that night.

He responded that it was too bad because his pump was primed. I smiled at that and said he would have to be primed some other day. And then I got an, “Ok?” And a message that I was indeed in a weird mood.

My response to that was that I was sorry for that and I just meant that I welcomed a future invitation to go over. And then the music got louder and I sent another message cursing it but figuring I wouldn’t get much sleep if I went to his place anyway.

His response to this was, “You had no intention of seeing me tonight…Correct?” And then, “Was it mess with Guy night?”

Ouch. He knows I don’t play. Had I not just spent the night explaining that I was in a weird mood but I didn’t know why? And then thanking him for his patience.

Now I had a fire to put out. I told him it was not “mess with Guy night” and that I did want to see him. That I had been hoping to spend some time with him. I told him that I knew I shouldn’t have been hoping he wanted to see me, but I was. And then I asked him to please not think that I mess with him. That he knows me better than that. I ended with, “I’m working through this as best I can."

Silence.

Not even the dignity of a reply.

Once again, paranoid me was concerned and logical me figured he fell asleep. Who knows? I keep trying to think positively.

The next morning (Monday…yesterday) I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. No…I woke up in the wrong bed. I was immediately bummed that I hadn’t woken up with Guy. I really wished I had just gone over there.

Right choice or wrong choice, I should have just gone there. I’m always miserable when I don’t.

So, to test the waters, I sent him a message saying that I missed waking up with him.

No response.

O.k. He’s busy. He had to get to work. He had a million meetings. This is typical. Well, typical if he can’t think of what to say to me. On the days he’s happy with me, I hear back. I get love.

I didn’t want to bug him during the day. Things were clearly unresolved and he obviously didn’t know what to say to me and I didn’t want to start anything while he was at work. That’s just not fair. But I did want to get the ball rolling on getting this resolved. I didn’t want him to feel badly toward me. AND I really really wanted to see him.

Not only was I feeling the need to be with him physically, I really wanted to share some things about my life with him. I had things I wanted to talk about with him. I needed his companionship as well.

I waited until the late afternoon and sent him a message saying I had made him speechless, hadn’t I?

His response was that he was afraid to engage in a conversation with me because he didn’t know which me he was going to get. And a sad face.

This hit me hard. It made me sound bipolar. It made me sound like the crazy ex-girlfriend I didn’t want to be. It made me very very sad to think I had made him not want to talk to me. The only response I could muster was a sad face with a tear.

And then I lost it all the way home. And more at home. I had made him not want to talk to me. Good job, Sheila. Way to be insane.

I had nothing to say to him for a long time. I didn’t know how to respond. Anything I came up with only made me sound like I was protesting too much. It felt like no matter what I said to him, I would sound crazy. So I stayed quiet. Even though I really wanted to see him and get this straightened out.

Finally, after not hearing anything from him, and as a way of just getting some closure (I mean, if I sound crazy to him and he has made me act crazy, perhaps this should just all be over), I sent a message saying that I wasn’t crazy but that I was hurting. That I was trying to balance being with him and protecting myself. That I got scared when he hadn’t shown interest on Sunday and I just shouldn’t have expressed it. Then I told him I didn’t want him to think I was nuts.

And that was it. That’s all I wanted to say. I wanted him to know I wasn’t crazy ex-girlfriend.

He actually replied right away that he didn’t say I was nuts. That he couldn’t understand where I was coming from on Sunday and that he hadn’t had the energy for it today.

Kind of ouchie. After all the patience I’ve had for him, he doesn’t have patience for me.

Because my first impression from his message was that he wanted to be left alone, I responded with, "O.k. I hear you."

And then I planned to leave him alone. If he didn’t have the energy…fine. I didn’t want to seem crazy anyway and it was starting to feel like he was driving me in that direction.

Unfortunately, I also still really wanted to see him. I still had things to share. I still missed being with him. I still wanted to wake up with him on Tuesday morning.

Why must I feel so many competing things all at once?

The other thing I wanted to do was admit that I had been wrong not to accept his invitation the night before. I thought this would make him feel better. He would get to be right. And he would know that I wanted to see him. So I sent him a message that I had made a mistake not going over and that I woke up frustrated with myself that I wasn’t with him.

He was still geared for a fight because his response was that I had frustrated and irritated him the night before. That he had wanted to see me but I had wanted to play games.

More ouch. It really hurts that he thinks I play games. And it completely sucks that he still hasn’t understood a word I’ve said. I didn’t want to go over all of this again, but I felt I had to defend myself.

So, I replied that I wasn’t playing games. I reiterated that he hadn’t said anything all day Sunday about wanting to see me and that took me by surprise. I told him that I wasn’t sure what game he thought I was playing but that I was sorry I had made him feel that way. And that I was sorry he would think I would do that.

No reply.

And finally I texted that I hadn’t been trying to throw us into another valley but that I was trying to start a conversation to see if he wanted to see me without going out on a limb and asking the potentially embarrassing question of whether or not he wanted to see me outright. That obviously it had gone wrong somewhere.

He never responded.

He has not had enough respect for me to even respond. Not even enough to tell me he doesn’t know what to say to me so he’s going to be quiet.

The thing is, I don’t have anything more to say to him either. If he can’t respond, I’m done trying. If this is how it ends, o.k. I’m ready. It makes things icky and awkward because there are unresolved issues, but I’m not going to chase him.

This is the problem with an undefined relationship. When this crap happens, there’s no reason to get it resolved. It used to be that when we would fall into these miscommunication traps, I would just finally demand that we talk and we would work it out and be closer for it. Now…what’s the point? Why work it out to just be broken up? I hate having unresolved issues with people I care about, but he’s not going to let me come talk this one out, so I’m not even going to try.

Besides, I’ve got OkCupid to distract me. It’s amazing, but I haven’t felt the need to text him all day. Usually, by now, I’m planning my strategy and thinking about what the right thing to say would be. Today…not so much. It’s refreshing.

Coincidentally, I can remember being at this place a month ago. I remember that first Friday night when I found out how nice it was not to be worried about whether or not I was doing the right thing all the time. I was ready to get on with my life. Hours after I expressed that on this blog, Guy was texting me saying he wanted to invite me over. And that was how I got dragged back in. That’s where all of this went awry. That is what has led to the crazy.

And that makes me blame him.

But I still love him.

And I do wonder if I’ll ever hear from him.

S: Online Dating...Continued

2010-09-14T06:42:00.005-07:00

The online dating saga continues. As I suspected, this is, if nothing else, a good distraction for me. (There is more Guy stuff to update you on...so many blog posts...so little time.)

After one day, I hid my profiles on Match and Chemistry. What a complete waste of time. You can't do anything on those sites if you don't subscribe. And I was too much of a moron to realize this before I wasted a crap-ton of time filling out questionnaires and making up BS about how awesome I am.

What I did do was follow Jane's excellent example and sign up for OKCupid. Which is free and has an easy to navigate user interface.

Here's my problem. (Ok, one of my problems). Why is it that not a single man in or near my city can take a decent picture? Who are these guys? What's wrong with their faces?

This is why, to me, it's better to meet people in person. Because looks are so much less important when you are getting the full effect of someone's personality. If I strike up a conversation with someone somewhere, it's usually because I'm being a sassypants about something. If they can throw it back...done. Then perhaps there is an assessment of looks, but by then the light is positive and the judgment is softened.

Online, I find myself passing over guys very quickly because of how they look in their photos. That seems really wrong.

I also don't like assessing someone based on a cursory glance at how well they can describe themselves. This seems highly unfair.

In fact, assessing people at all seems unfair. I do not enjoy being a judge.

I do not like it Sam I Am.

Another issue...I've read a few of the profile pages and some of the guys seem interesting, but I still feel really hung up. Every time I have to consider what I'm looking for in someone, all I can think about is Guy. I stop...picture Guy in my head...and try to describe him. I don't do it on purpose. This is just automatically what happens. It's hard to decide if I'm at all interested in someone when I know exactly who I want to be with and that dude is not him.

Plus, I feel bad because so many of these guys are obviously looking for something special and I just need to finish out this damn challenge so I can go back to spintsting. (No, it's not a word, but it should be.) I've tried to be up front about the fact that I'm not planning to get involved, but in the framework of these sites, that makes me sound like some kind of slut. Like I'm just looking to hook up. It also begs the question, why be on a dating site if you aren't looking to get involved?

Another thing that I never considered...what do you do when you come across guys you know? Oh, hi friend of mine, I see you are on a dating site and now you see that I am. Let's not ever speak of this. P.S. You are so not the guy you describe in your profile, but whatevs.

Does this mean I know all the single guys in my city already? Eeeek! Do I commiserate with them? Is this awkward? Should it be? Why is there such embarrassment involved? Apparently I still harbor some kind of dating site stigma.

This is a whole new experience for me. Which I guess is a good thing. Wasn't that the point of all of this in the first place? Experiences. I've already been through what I just experienced over the last 6 months, so perhaps now is the time for something new.

O.k. That's it. I gotta go. I have 600 messages to reply to from a lot of random guys who think they are really hot. None of whom live anywhere near me or are in my preferred age range. Just what I needed. More administrative hoopla in my life.

It does beat wondering what I should be doing about my "relationship" with Guy. It is refreshing to focus on something else for a change. Even though focusing on dating at all is just a constant reminder of the fact that I'm back to dating.

S: Throwing in the Towel

2010-09-13T14:25:00.005-07:00

I feel I should update you on the current situation with Guy, but I’m not entirely sure how. Everything is pretty inexplicable and I find myself just going with the flow and living in the moment.

As far as I can tell, Big Talk Day has been removed from the schedule. I think we had it. Well, we talked and I heard the same things I’m sure I would hear a couple of weeks from now. Which is why I’ve given up on him coming to any kind of realization.

The talk happened last Wednesday. Just a mere 3 days after my suggestion that we take a couple of weeks and decide where we are. Early in the week, he continued to be frustrated with my decree of time and space and no sex. He kept saying that I was withholding sex to get what I wanted. Like his ex did. For which he despised her.

This bothered me because it was unfair and nonsensical. And I just couldn’t make him understand. On Wednesday I asked if we could get together and talk in the evening because I wanted to get this straightened out so it wasn’t clouding our think time. I told him that it really disturbed me that he used the word “despise” in reference to what was going on.

At some point while we were exchanging messages, he suggested that since I mentioned needing to move on maybe I should forego the 2 weeks of no sex and just move on.

This was a slap in the face. I replied that this was why I wanted to talk. Because I didn’t think he understood what was going on in my head at all. I told him I wasn’t ready to give up but that if he doesn’t want me then I have to move on. Then I said that if he wants me to move on I will, but did he really want to do this to me via text.

He responded in the negative and that I was the one who kept talking about moving on. To which I replied that my true need was to know where his head is, but that I hadn’t wanted to put pressure on him. Then there was quiet on the text front. He never did respond about getting together to talk.

A few hours later, I was finishing up a job near his house wondering how to time dinner and more work when I decided to see if he was around and I could weasel a dinner out of him. I didn’t hear back right away, so I headed home. By the time he texted, I was already home. I told him as much and he didn’t respond.

Later, I was back in his neck of the woods after finishing work and running one final errand. I texted again, mainly because I wanted to have that talk. I needed him to understand me so he didn’t think I was being evil. This time I killed time while waiting for a reply.

Finally a cryptic reply came that I had teased him before and he needed to workout. I wasn’t sure what that meant so I said I was still in the neighborhood and asked if he was refusing. He replied that he was trying to decide if he was going to be stubborn like me and not let me come over. And then sent another message saying he would not be stubborn and I should come over.

Sometimes I want to shake him.

O.k., a lot of the time I want to shake him.

I made my way over there and we sat down to talk. We covered a lot of the same ground we’ve covered before. In fact, we talked about things I had not intended for us to talk about. I really just wanted to clear the air about the 2 week think time and the no sex thing. We went way beyond that.

He said he has strong feelings for me, that he trusts me and that he misses me when I’m not around. He also said that he knows it’s his own fault if he’s lonely without me. But he kept going back to not wanting to go through a difficult break up like his divorce. I still didn’t have the words to combat that. I can’t tell him what the future holds.

We talked about a lot of things. We snuggled on the couch. I told him that to completely move on I would probably have to cut him out of my life but that I really couldn’t do that right now. He asked if I wanted him to tell me I had to go away. I told him he didn’t get to that. It’s my choice. I just can’t do it.

And I don’t believe he would be o.k. without me around. This relationship hasn’t ended. But, it does seem like it isn’t going to go any further. He’s stuck on this fear that I’m going to hate him in a few years and break his heart. He doesn't have the courage to see what could happen with us.

O.k. Fine. There is no future for us. And so, I will live in the now. I will do what works for me now, because there isn’t any reason to think about what it would mean for the future.

After all the talking and cuddling and being close, I stayed. And it was good. It always brings us closer and makes the sun shine a little brighter the next day. It’s a little different outside of something more permanent, but it still makes both of us feel better.

So, this is me letting us go into the friends with benefits zone. Because I don’t care. There’s no future for us. I’m happier when I’m around him. He’s happier when he’s around me. It helps me get over thinking we should be together. I’m sure I’ll get bored with it soon enough. I just don’t have it in me yet to cut him out completely.

He knows I have to date. He even makes jokes about it. At first it bothered me that he was comfortable with it, but then I realized that he’s not. He’s making the jokes as a way of getting used to it, but I can tell he doesn’t want me to move on. (At some point I joked that he could just pay the $10 for me not to get a date every month. He may be considering it.)

I know how all of this sounds. It sounds like a poor choice, and maybe it is. I don’t know any more. At this point, no matter what I do, I doubt myself. When I spend time with him and stay close…I doubt. When I keep my distance and try to cut him out…I doubt. It feels good to be with him and it feels wrong to be at odds with him. Something continues to draw me back. I just can’t let go of how much better I feel when I’m with him.

I don't know which voices to listen to. Every time I listen to someone else, I get miserable. But when I listen to myself I get confused. I don't know if I'm hearing my head or my heart half the time. And when I do know, I'm not sure which one is right. They both know what's going on and they both know there will be ache at the end. They've known that since last February when all of this started. They are at odds at how to arrive at that ache.

The problem is that I’m just not sure when our how this undefined relationship ends. It’s bound to get messier before it gets cleaner.

I’m asking for it, I know. And, to quote Guy, "it’s my own damn fault."

S: Online Dating...Because I Have To

2010-09-12T20:49:00.002-07:00

I spent a good deal of time today setting up profiles on Match and Chemistry. But only because I feel like I have to in order to finish out this challenge.

What I realized today is as I was filling out questionnaires and describing my ideal match is that I don't want to date. If the question "Who are you looking for?" isn't followed by a box next to the name Guy, then I'm not interested.

I don't want to get into a relationship. I didn't want to 7 months ago, but I did and I'm right back to not wanting to. I don't want to try to talk someone into wanting to go out with me. I don't want to come up with clever things to say and pretty pictures to make someone think I'm worth his time.

I don't care. I'm not interested. I don't want a boyfriend. I'm not looking for love.

I'd like to flirt a little bit. But otherwise, this sucks. And I don't want to do it.

But I will.

Because I feel like I have to.

And you heard it here first.

J: Does he like me? Will he call? When do I get to see him again? UPDATE

2010-09-12T20:05:00.004-07:00

In answer to my questions...

1. Yes he likes me! (At least I'm purty dern sure of it! See #2) :)

2. Yes he called! (Okay, so I called him...but ONLY after he texted me telling me that he had been thinking about me & about all the fun we had yesterday and asked me to call when I was done with all of my stuff. I sent him a smiley face and told him that I'd call in an hour-ish. And I did. And we talked for an hour-ish...which just flew by. I know...I know...that's anti-"the Rules" again. But didn't I say I couldn't get enough of this guy?)

3. Tuesday. I get to see him again on Tuesday! :) :) :)

J: Does he like me? Will he call? When do I get to see him again?

2010-09-12T11:45:00.004-07:00

Mr. September is amazing.

Yesterday, we had a really great day on the lake and afterwards went back to his place for pizza and (part of) a movie.

The “part of” was due to pure exhaustion. We both started off the day a bit sleepy from being out so late together the night before. Then, we were in the sun & water for hours, getting more and more burnt & dehydrated. By the time we got back to his place, there wasn’t a lot of hope for a full movie. But we gave it a valiant shot.

I was the one to finally call the night but at his front door, his kisses drew me back to the couch where we had a nice little extended make out session before I again dragged myself out the door.
Yum.

I don’t know if I can express how much I like this guy. I like all of the stuff that I’ve mentioned here already. But my new ”like” is that he notices the little things...and compliments them. His compliments alone are amazing…very specific & genuine. He must have been taught well by his mom & sister…or maybe it’s something good that came from his ex-wife? Who knows, who cares where it comes from! I just really appreciate it!

We also have this amazing chemistry. After our first kisses on Friday at one point he said “Well, that answers THAT question”. But I was so umm…distracted…(yeah, we’ll say ‘distracted’) at the time that I didn’t want to stop to ask him specifically what he meant. But, since then, I’ve spent a lot of time dissecting that comment because in my mind it could have meant several things. Last night, I asked exactly what he had meant. His response: “Sexual chemistry…we have it”.

Ummmm…yep. Absolutely! My thoughts exactly!

I can’t seem to get enough of this guy. It’s been a looooong, long time since I’ve been kissed so skillfully…and so thoroughly.

But when will I see him again?

This weekend was his child’s weekend with Mom so it worked out perfect for us. But today I’m getting ready for next week’s trip to New York for work and will be gone until Thursday night. He leaves on Friday for a trip to California and will be gone until the next weekend. And then when he gets back I’m sure that he’ll want to spend time with his kid. (From what I’ve seen so far, he seems to be a really great Dad.) Hopefully we’ll stay in touch. Hopefully we’ll be able to find some time to spend together somewhere in the midst of the craziness. Hopefully we can grow this relationship even further.

He knows that for me today is all about getting ready for my trip, spending some time with the girls and getting in a couple of dance classes. I really don’t think that he’s the kind of guy who would step on my plans or ask me to change them around for him. But today, I wish that he was. I want to spend more time with him…on a boat, on a plane, in a bookstore, watching a movie, grocery shopping, in a restaurant, on a hike…anywhere. Even with the risk of not getting to check everything off my to-do list.

But he doesn’t know that. And it’s probably better that way. There still needs to be a little mystery… a little delicious anticipation…a little flirty unavailability. There still needs to be a bit of a chase.

So for today, I’ll bask in my memories, knowing that if he asks, I’d be fully willing to drop my plans and hang out with him.

Even if it’s completely anti-“The Rules” and opposite of what I was saying just a couple of sentences ago.

I like this guy.

I want more of him.

Now, please!

J: Magical Night

2010-09-11T00:04:00.006-07:00

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

Wooooooow! :) :) :)

Just...wow.

[dreamy sigh...]

I do believe I like this Mr. September fellow.

Kisses with fireworks. Yum.
How could I forget how wonderful kissing can be?
And how could I ever settle for less?

And did I say: Wow?

[dreamy sigh...]

Oh...and by the way...I'm getting out my swimsuit afterall. (Eek!) I agreed to an afternoon on the lake with him....TOMORROW. So I gotta log off now...it's time for some emergency crunches.

But...wooooooow....

[dreamy sigh...]

:)

Mmmmmr. September

2010-09-10T15:06:00.003-07:00

I found Mr. September on OKCupid. Okay…actually, he found me.

In short, we emailed back and forth and back and forth and our messages got longer and longer. So, when we discovered that we work at the same (very large) company, we decided that it was time to meet for lunch….and so that we could IM at work, we exchanged… (da da dummmmm) last names.

(Oooohhhh)

With the exchange of last names, we were now exposed to the ability of looking each other up on the corporate directory. And on the directory are… (da da dummmmm) badge pictures. (Which are typically about 1000 times worse than driver’s license pictures.) Seriously.

I promised not to check out his badge picture, and after getting his promise to do the same I’m proud to say that I haven’t even peeked! Haven’t checked out any of the other stuff I can see either…and in my role, that’s a lot! Haven’t even let my coworkers check it out on my behalf. Honorable, huh?

So our lunch date happened on Thursday.

I’d seen his online pictures on his profile but it turns out, while they were good, they didn’t do him justice. This guy is sooo cute! He’s taller than me, (even in my heels!) He has dark hair (a full head of it!!!) and bright blue eyes. This one’s the perfect level of hot.

But as I get to know him, I’m finding that he’s great, beyond the physical cuteness. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s thoughtful, he’s clever and most important of all…he really seemed to ‘get’ me. I’d throw out a subtle joke and he’d pick it right up and run with it.

So refreshing! And FUN!

He’s also been married before but has been divorced now for 2 years. His was a similar situation to mine with the exception of the fact they had a child (who now lives with him 75% of the time. An issue? Hmm…I don’t know yet.) He has a great job, he’s a Christian, he has a dog, he loves traveling and is a bit of a foodie…and did I mention his sense of humor?

I probably don’t need to say it…but I will...lunch was FABULOUS! This was without doubt the most promising of all of my dates so far. I walked back in to work grinning like a fool.

And, not only was the first date rockin’, we lined up a second date already! We’re going dancing TONIGHT!

Apparently, he dances like Elaine (his words!) So he’s set my expectations extremely low. But he’s willing to learn and willing to give it a try. That’s all I can really ask for, right?

Plus, his passion is boating & wakeboarding. If a second date is going to involve something that one of us loves, I’d much rather be putting on boots than a swimsuit! ;)

Wish me luck, friends! I hope tonight is magical.

J: Huh??

2010-09-07T17:51:00.005-07:00

So…Sunday, around 7pm, I got a text from Mr. May asking if I had to work on Monday. When I said that I didn’t because of the holiday he asked if I’d be willing to drive 3 hours to an undisclosed location…with my boots.

Huh?

Was he not in the same room that I was in on Friday night?

Wouldn’t arriving at wherever at 10pm imply an overnight adventure? Is he hoping for another chance? Maybe that he’ll be able to talk down my boundaries?

I just don’t get it. I guess I haven’t actually been rejected. But I don’t fully understand the invitation or appearance of the continued interested either.

I didn’t go. But since then, there’s been several more flirty texts. Huh? Sometimes, I just don’t understand guys.

But really...tonight, I don’t want to think about it. My skating date is (obviously) not happening. So I’m enjoying a nice glass of wine and the sound of the rain outside of my window and a night with no definite plans (and no dance classes) and the chance to catch up on a little bit of DVR’ed trashy reality TV.

I’m also actually waiting for the NEW potential Mr. September to give me a call. We’ve chatted on OKCupid a bunch. He works where I work. His emails make me laugh. We seem to really have a lot in common. And the latest message from him earlier today said that he’d give me a call tonight. Yay!

So now, I’m just hoping the call comes before too much of the wine has disappeared from my glass and while I’m still charming enough to snag myself a date.

S: The Talk...the Day After

2010-09-07T12:25:00.004-07:00

The story of The Talk continues. And will likely continue until we arrive at Big Talk Day.

The next step for me in the Talk process was to schedule the actual day of the Big Talk. We had yet to establish when we would get together after our couple of weeks of time and space and chat about the status of us. We needed to set Big Talk Day.

After the way things were left on Monday morning, I wanted to give Guy some space. He was blindsided and frustrated and I wanted him to have a chance to come down a bit and really think about the things I had said. He has a tendency to hear my words long after I've left, once he's stopped and thought through things.

I thought I might even get an apology at some point, but I didn't.

I was thinking that if he was embarrassed or felt at all bad, he would be reticent to reach out and wait to hear from me. I let most of the day go by and then checked in with him to see how his thing from the morning had gone.

He responded with a cryptic message about how a quote about single fathers had upset him (I think I missed another message he sent but I got the gist of it). So he wasn't having a great day. I tried to make him feel better, but didn't hear back from him. A bit later I asked if he was o.k. and he said he was.

Then, I crawled out on the limb and suggested a date for BTD (Big Talk Day), slightly less than 3 weeks from now. I was nervous about bringing it all up again, but a date had to be set. This has to happen. It seemed like it took him forever to respond. But he did and was o.k. with the date. Literally. His response? "Ok."

Nothing else.

I told him if he wanted to suggest a different day, maybe sooner, he could.

Nothing.

Then I told him that if he wanted me to move on now that he should just tell me. I didn't feel like that was what he wanted and that's why I'm giving him time...and if there's a reason not to move on, I don't want to miss it...but he should tell me if I've misread the situation. I told him I wasn't trying to waste his time. I told him I couldn't tell how he was feeling about all of this.

Finally I got a response. He said he has been enjoying the time we have spent together and that he was not prepared for the discussions we had. He just didn't know what to say. He said he understood where I'm coming from and wasn't mad, just at a loss for words.

I said that this was why I thought taking some time would be good and then tried to explain that this may have seemed to come out of the blue (he was curious on Sunday night about why I was all about this before but now, not so much) because I was not that proud of my behavior and was starting to see myself go into the "I'm not going to get over this and move on" danger zone.

He said that made him feel like what we have shared is horrible and wrong. I responded that it's precisely because it's not horrible and wrong that it's a problem. That every time we are together it makes me love him. I want him to be around. I want to sleep with him. I want him to want me. But, I'm not supposed to want those things. I told him I'm supposed to be strong and move on, but I don't want to.

No reply.

Then, because I use humor to ease tension and conflict, I sent a cute message about also wanting a delicious ice cream treat. He LOL'd and said he needed that.

I love making him LOL.

A little while later he texted that he missed me. I responded in kind.

Later, while I was still trying to get some blogging done but couldn't make myself get anywhere, I texted him that I hoped he was accomplishing more than I was. He responded that he was still working, but I could come hang with him. Followed by "Ha."

I replied that I would love to hang but I knew it would only frustrate him. And then the conversation headed straight for naughtyland. Danger.

We bantered back and forth. It was flirty and kind of hot. But just texting, so not a big deal. (And, admittedly, something that had worked in the recent past). I was resistant to suggestions, but was trying to keep it fun and not preachy and serious. I didn't want to assume the worse of him. I assumed he was just having fun, not that he actually expected me to change my mind about what I had requested.

At some point I told him to stop being so cute. He responded with "stop being so stubborn." I told him it couldn't be helped.

A bit later, as I was shutting down my computer for the night, knowing I wasn't going to get any more focused on my work at that hour, he asked what happened to me and was I on my way over to his place or was I asleep. I told him I was headed to bed. He frowned at that.

More naughty flirtation. Harmless, right? Wrong.

He said he was going to drive over.

Uh oh.

I told him not to. That we couldn't. That we were supposed to be avoiding confusion so we could figure out what we wanted.

He repeated that he was driving over.

I responded with "Please. No. I'm trying to be strong. I need the security of a relationship."

No more cute. No more fun. Time for serious.

He replied that he was getting ready to leave.

I frowned.

He asked if I was going to let him in. I knew I wouldn't leave him outside if he showed up, but if I let him in, he would be hard to resist, so I couldn't really answer that. I wanted to reply with "Are you coming over to talk about a relationship?" but didn't have the guts. Instead I told him I didn't want to have sex. Then I sent a message correcting myself, saying I didn't want to have sex if we can't be together.

Nothing.

It was pretty late at this point, but I waited up in case he showed up at my house. I would have let him in so we could at least talk. And because I'm not hard-assed enough to turn someone I care about away. He never showed up.

He hasn't said a word.

I have no idea what's going on. I don't know if he was just messing with me. I don't know if he got halfway to my house and turned around. I don't know if he's angry or if he feels bad. Lesson learned: Apparently even just talking about sex adds as much confusion as the sex itself.

I haven't sent any messages to him today either. I don't really know what to say to him. I'd like him to be the first to reach out. Besides, now I'm afraid that if I do say something, it'll be construed as an invitation for sex. And I'm frustrated that he thought we would get together last night. That, after all of this, he's still pushing so hard.

What I wanted before I went to sleep was the sweet "Good night, beautiful. I miss you." message that I usually get. What I got was the feeling that I was somehow a bad person for refusing to sleep with a guy I'm not even dating. And the feeling that the guy I wish I were dating is not as fantastic as I once thought he was once.

And the sad thing is...I would have loved to sleep with him last night. It was great that he was so excited by the thought of me that he wanted to hop in his car and drive over. Except, what I really want is for that to be happening inside the confines of a committed relationship.

O.k., and this is something new that is concerning me...an effect of the "let's not have sex and think about what we want" decree. What if he decides to get back together just for the sex? I don't want him to come over and say that he wants to be with me because he has needs that must be met. I don't want him to give into my desire for a relationship just so we can sleep together again. And now, how will I know that he's not?

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we go on more than one date with our Date Club fellas.

J: Skating into September?

2010-09-06T22:02:00.005-07:00

I talked with an OKCupid boy about going rollerskating tomorrow. (ROLLERSKATING!! How cool is THAT?!?)

But honestly, the conversation happened a couple of weeks ago, so I'm not completely sure whether the date is still happening. We've texted back and forth several times since then but there's not been another mention of time or place.

However, I get a feeling this is a fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants type guy.

And really, for once, I'm not at all worried about finding a date. I'm actually chatting with about 4 different fun (and attractive) guys. Maybe this OKCupid thing isn't so bad...

So if the date happens...it happens. If not, some other lucky guy will get to be Mr. September.

Besides, the last time I went skating (5ish years ago) I broke my elbow. So you'll understand if I'm not calling him to make sure we're actually lined up for tomorrow.

S: The Talk Update

2010-09-06T14:56:00.010-07:00

I did it. Well...we did it. We had the talk.

The jury is still out on how it went. The worst didn't happen. The best didn't happen. I certainly didn't leave there on top of the world. Or any less confused.

Sunday evening, while we were both still mid-workout, Guy texted asking if I had eaten yet. I hadn't so I let him know that I was finishing up my workout and would then be hungry.

Yay...an opportunity to get to his place and hopefully talk.

Unfortunately, from earlier messages, I knew that he was already frustrated about it raining when he was in the middle of staining his deck. So, I had my work cut out for me. Did I really want to bring up something like this when he's already ticked off? And he mentioned having some beer to deal with the ticked-offedness. Did I really want to have this conversation with someone who's been having angry beers?

But there would always been an excuse, right?

We debated the topic of dinner until he finally decided to make us some pasta while I headed his way (I do like it when he cooks for me). As a surprise, I stopped on the way to grab a movie he had been wanting to see. It was something silly that I thought would lighten up the evening for him.

When I got there, he didn't seem too upset. He was still frustrated about the stain, but certainly wasn't throwing any of it in my direction. We talked about it and that got it off his chest a little bit. He was happy about the movie and thought I was cute for bringing it.

We had our pasta and started watching the movie. He relaxed. When we were done eating we sat close on the couch and then he laid down and put his head in my lap.

So damn cute.

He started falling asleep. Crap. How can I bring up a serious conversation when he's falling asleep? And when he's so cute and snuggly and right there on my lap. Urgh.

And, furthermore, how can he be so cute and snuggly and right there on my lap and not just want to be with me? If I could shake him I would.

The movie ended, but we were comfortable where we were, so he switched to the TV and we just stayed put. And then I was falling asleep. Unable to break the sweetness with my need to know whether or not I should be moving on with my life.

Finally, he asked if I wanted to stay because he wanted to go to bed. I couldn't answer. This was the moment. If I didn't stay I would have to explain. He asked what was wrong. I told him I was hoping we could have a conversation but I didn't want to bring anything up because he was so tired and falling asleep. He wanted to know what I wanted to have a conversation about.

I told him we needed to talk about where we were in all of this because I am confused about what I should be doing and if I should be moving on. He asked if this was the "shit or get off the pot" conversation. I said it was and he woke himself up so we could talk.

I let him know that I felt like we were both confused and that, while I didn't want to move on, if I needed to, then I needed to know that so I could. I said that I felt like I was in limbo because it seems like he doesn't want me to move on, yet we're not together. I could tell I had blindsided him because he didn't have much to say.

Because I didn't think pressuring him into making a decision on the spot was going to be helpful, I had hatched a little plan to give him the gift of time. I told him I didn't want to pressure him and laid out what I had in mind.

My plan was to take a couple of weeks to stop and think. No worrying about anybody moving on and no bedtime fun to add to the confusion. We can still talk, text and hangout, but no sex. With each other or anyone else. In that couple of weeks, we think about what we want so we can decide how to move forward.

He agreed to this, but only because it was what I wanted to do. I'm not sure why he would make a concession, since we're broken up and he can just tell me to go away, but he conceded. I asked if he had a better idea but he didn't. He did say that we shouldn't hang out if we couldn't have sex and I told him it was perfectly fine for him to set boundaries as well. So, no hanging out.

We decided we would take some time and space and schedule a date for a couple of weeks in the future to get together and talk about the status of our relationship. But I still wasn't sure he got it. In fact, at some point, he said it was like being married and I was withholding sex to get what I wanted.

Hello? I'm withholding sex because you broke up with me. At this point, my status is the same as every other female on the planet. Are they all withholding sex to get you to be their boyfriend?

I tried to make him understand that this wasn't the same, but he had been taken by surprise and was reacting to not being prepared. Meaning he was just going to be dense and think what he thinks no matter what I say.

Then he asked if I wanted to stay and cuddle. I did want to. We had been so cozy on the couch that I wanted to keep that going. And, I got the feeling we weren't really done with our conversation and I wanted stay and try to get more out of him. But I had to remind him and make sure he understood that that's all it would be. He agreed. (Ladies? We know how this goes.)

So we climbed in bed and the coercing began. He tried. And tried. And tried. But I wouldn't allow it. I had already drawn the line. Now, if I have sex with him, it will seem wrong, even if it hasn't before, because I've said we shouldn't.

We talked a little more. At some point he mentioned again that if it was just sex to him he would get what he wanted and leave. I agreed with him that it's clear when we are together that he cares about me, but reiterated that it's confusing that he cares about me enough to sleep with me, but not enough to risk a relationship with me. He saw my point. And his response indicated that maybe he did care enough to be in a relationship.

???

Finally, we fell asleep.

And then it was morning. Time for more coercion. Still I refused. And then I decided I better leave, talk or no talk. He asked if I was going and I said I didn't want to make him mad. He said he was already mad because I was using sex to get what I wanted as if we were married. Again, I tried to make him see that that was not at all the same as what was going on here.

More talking. Mostly me. He was very quiet. We snuggled a bit more. And then more coercion. Aggressive coercion this time. Very un-Guy-like behavior. And not pleasant at all. I made him stop and got up to leave. He rolled over, angry and frustrated.

I told him that, try as I might, I could not be o.k. with sex outside of a relationship. That, as much as I want to keep him close to me, I can't make it o.k. in my mind. And, that I didn't want him to be o.k. with it either. It's not who I am and it's not who he is.

Silence.

He got up to get ready to go to something he had scheduled that morning. I wondered if he was just going to let my words hang in the air without a response. Apparently he was.

So I said we should keep the lines of communication open and figure out when to get together to talk about us. He agreed. I followed him to the kitchen and got ready to leave. I waited by the door and he came over and gave me a hug. He tried to make it brief and friendly, but I held on.

And then I wished him a good day and left.

I'm not sure how I felt. I was glad I had stayed, because we did talk some more and I got to make my points. And I think he heard what I was saying. AND I got to prove that I meant what I said about not having sex. But I was so frustrated with him and his behavior. How could he not just respect my wishes? And yet, it's because he's attracted to me and cares about me, which is what I want, right? But I also want him to love and respect me and be in a relationship with me. He seems to want that too most of the time. Again, there are two Guys I seem to be dealing with. One of them thinks with his boy parts too much.

I wasn't sure how he was feeling either. I knew he was frustrated, but I wondered if he would feel ashamed or embarrassed. I wondered if he was sorry, or just mad. Perhaps, at this point, if I remind him of being married, then he'll just want me to move on now instead of waiting.

See? More confusion. Even without the sex, the sex still got in the way. But we're on the road to decision time. Soon enough I will know what I have to do. In the meantime, I still have some hope.

Really I have hope for several things. I have hope that Guy and I can find a way to be together. But, if not, I have hope that I can find someone else who makes me feel as good as, if not better, than Guy did.

I suppose that's actually just hope for one thing. I hope I get to be one of those people who finds someone they can be with until the clock stops ticking. It's a long shot...but it could happen.

S: The Talk

2010-09-05T13:49:00.003-07:00

Guy and I really need to have the talk tonight. I'm hoping he'll accept my request for dinner and Rock Band. And then I'm hoping I have the cajones to draw a line in the sand.

It's September now and I either need to have a boyfriend or find a date. This half-n-half stuff isn't going to work. I wish I didn't have to face this, but I do.

I'm afraid he's going to opt for it being over. I'm afraid of the pain of that. I'm afraid that if it has to be over, then I have to cut him out of my life completely until I'm over him. I'm afraid that once again I will be losing something and someone I will miss for a very long time and always wonder about.

But what choice do I have other than to face these fears and deal with them head on? The situation is what it is. It's too late to turn back now.

Send strong vibes my way. I need all the strength I can get.

J: Would you?

2010-09-05T07:08:00.005-07:00

This weekend I rented TiMER a movie recommended by a married friend as one that I'd really identify with and enjoy. She was right!

I loved the concept: a new technology has emerged that allows you to know the exact moment that you will meet your true love and due to a timer that is implanted in your arm you can watch the count down and will be notified by a beep-beep-beep of the moment that the magical eye contact happens (just in case you don't happen to notice it on your own).

What a fabulous thing, right?

Well…with such a great gift there are always challenges...

For one thing, your timer doesn’t start counting down until your soul mate also has a timer implanted. So if you have a timer but it's blank, every timer-less guy just might be “the one”. But what if he has a moral objection to the whole idea? Do you force the issue? And if he finally agrees to get a timer of his own and you take him in and your timer stays blank but his shows a countdown…what then?

What if your “zero-out” date is years and years in the future? How do you spend those years of waiting? If you’re 34 and know you have another 10 years of wait do you have a child on your own, knowing that you’ll be too old to have one when he finally shows up? Or do you spend the years playing around…having meaningless worthless flings with other guys who are still counting down and want to sow their wild oats before they meet their true love and have to settle down?

What if you get your timer at 16 (legally, the earliest possible age for timer implantation) at your parent’s insistence, only to discover that the wait time is just days away? As a 16 year old, how are you mature enough to handle the knowledge that the girl next door is the only one you’ll ever know?

And what if you truly fall in love with someone with a different zero-out than yours? Do you still go into the relationship, knowing that it’s doomed to eventually fail when he meets the real love of his life?

Okay, obviously, this was a movie and movies aren’t real life. But it begs the question…if the technology was available to you today, would you get a timer of you own?

As a single gal it seems like it would be a relief to know that there was actually someone out there and that it's just a matter of time before you meet and live happily ever after.

But would the value of knowing “when” outweigh the price of knowing “when”?

J: The End of Mr. May??

2010-09-04T16:39:00.005-07:00

Last week I blogged about my date with Mr. August. However, that same week, I went out dancing on Wednesday again with Mr. May. And then we went out on Friday night and then again on Saturday. Each time out we were just a little bit more comfortable together…and ended up kissing and cuddling and touching more and more.

So, I finally agreed to go to his favorite swimming hole with him this Friday afternoon.

While I didn’t relish the idea of being seen in my swimsuit, I packed up my sunscreen and towel & headed to his place. The swimming hole turned out to be about 30 minutes out of town and was BEAUTIFUL! The drive was lovely, the conversation was fun, the weather was perfect. We swam for awhile and then went on a little hike & ended up snuggled in a hammock for a little afternoon nap. Fantastic! I couldn’t have dreamed up a more perfect day.

The plan all along was to go swimming and then to head out dancing for the evening. So at sunset we left our beautiful little oasis and headed to a honky-tonk dance spot out in the country. The dancing (again) was a blast…and oh so sexy. But we stayed out very very late and this time (unlike last time), I agreed to stay at his place instead of driving the half-hour home...all based on his promise to “behave”. Well…that didn’t happen. And honestly, I couldn’t be all that surprised…things had been building to this moment all day…all week…and I could probably say, for all of the last several months.

Well…it didn’t go well. Without going into too many details, I’ll just say that things went further than I wanted. I stopped things at a critical point and started a conversation about how I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship from this and that I didn’t think he was either (which was met with silence) and for that reason, I didn’t want us to do anything or go anywhere physically that would make things awkward. I told him that I worried about changing the relationship that we’d already built and making things complicated…since I do truly enjoy the time that I spend with him.

Despite the “let’s not take this all the way” conversation we had very different expectations of what that meant. I think we both ended up a little hurt and I KNOW we were both pretty frustrated (in completely different & opposite ways) by the time I headed home.

Before this, I already was pretty sure that we wouldn’t be a good long term fit but thought that we could still flirt around and have fun. After last night, I’m not even sure that returning to our previous level of ‘friendship’ is a possibility anymore.

I just don’t know what to do from here. Do we go out again? (I don’t know if I want to go out if it means more of this awkward emotional wrestling.) But then again, won’t it hurt if he doesn’t ask me out again? (Rejection! Could it be because he now knows the true size of my thighs?) How do we act in class now that we know so much more about each other? (I know I'm going to do my best not to let things change too much...will he?) Am I now going to start being jealous when I see him flirting with other girls in class? (Even if I don’t want him?) How do I deal with him looking at me differently? Or, acting differently around me? Does this mean no more of that sexy, delicious dancing for the two of us?

Ugggh…this is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

Luckily, due to the holiday weekend my next class with him isn’t until Wednesday so I have some time to sort through these feelings.

And, in the meantime, I’m pretty sure I have Mr. September all lined up.

I hope, I hope, I hope that this guy is fantastic enough to distract me from the Mr. May drama that is I fear is right on the verge of unfolding.

Fun Blog Alert

2010-09-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

Date of the Month Club has just stumbled across this great blog.

(500) Days of Boy

It looks like we're not the only ones who have challenged ourselves to do some dating.

We're looking forward to seeing if Summer finds her "true love's kiss." (And, if there are any boys she doesn't like, perhaps she can send them our way...we still need dates.)

Take a look at what she's doing and see how her perspectives and experiences differ from and are similar to our own. We're all just out there trying keep our eyes and hearts open.

Enjoy!

Date Club Gals